A Top Ten Guide...

Round Fourteen

The Top Ten Reasons Why Rossi Won In Estoril.

10. Zzzzzzzzzzz... Don’t know about you, but I turned the TV off after the first lap. Stoner in front, again. ...., MotoGP is sooooo boring these days. Seeing one guy or one bike or one tyre manufacturer dominate... it’s never happened before. What? Rossi won? Oh, forget everything I said, then. Great race. The man is back! Woo hoo!

9. Nicky Hayden. It turned out that Hay Bales’ pole on super sticky tyres was no fluke, as he had the best race pace of all. It was too bad then that he wasted the first part of the race battling with ‘Random Numbers’ while the leaders disappeared into the distance. Of course, making another meal of a first corner didn’t help, either. Note to ‘Trick Dandy’: the quickest way around a racetrack is, surprise, surprise, the shortest way! Trying to ride around the outside of people on a corner that tightens up is a recipe for disaster. Unlike Laguna Seca, at least the champ had the presence of mind to back off this time—or he would have collided with his teammate for the second year in a row at Estoril. Now that, Alanis Morissette, would have been ironic.

8. The clutch. It’s amazing what false neutrals can do for a guy. They can keep him in touching distance with the leaders, but not quite close enough to really do anything about it, and make a good excuse for when you run wide in the corners. But on the plus side, clutch problems are becoming standard issue for world champions these days.

7. Commando-style, baby! No, it wasn’t a return to balls out racing from Rossi, but Uccio playing dress-ups again. Unlike the horror of his German experiments, Uccio in camouflage cargo pants and army boots did the trick for Rossi. And the sight of Uccio, strategically seated between two flunkies (imagine that, the flunky has flunkies!) in the Fiat Yamaha pits, watching and reacting to every Rossi pass or mistake was the icing on the cake. Must see TV. Thanks, director. Less racing and more Uccio, please.

6. Tony Elias. The .......-LUNATIC-WHO-MUST-BE-STOPPED is still some way off full fitness, and thus wasn’t able to thwart Rossi’s chance at another world championship. Err, wait... that ship’s already sailed, hasn’t it? Well, he couldn’t stop him winning the race, either.

5. The taste of Moët. The state of Vale’s finances being what they are (and the fact that he hadn’t been on the podium—let alone the top step—since June) meant he was gagging for a taste of the good stuff.

4. Michelin. Taking a leaf out of Jeremy Burgess’ book (they won in Mugello because they stopped trying to make the bike go fast, and in Assen because a marathon debrief after Donington came up with the retro paint job) the French giants of the motor racing world had no new tyres for their teams this weekend—despite Bridgestone having the top 6 in Misano. But then, they did say last year: “As we are withdrawing from F1 we will have many skilled engineers and technicians with nothing to do—they will be of great benefit to our MotoGP programme.” Well, finally, they were!

3. Dani Pedrosa. Mr. “being small is my only skill set” heard about Rossi’s bean-eating exploits at Assen. So he too, the night before race day, consumed his own body weight in beans. But as that actually amounted to half a small plate of edamame he only had enough “gas” for two passes over Stoner and Rossi at the end of the straight into turn one. His sour disposition during the post-race procedures was in fact due to a nasty bout of reflux.

2. God Complex, revisited. Lo! And behold, after the dark disappointments of Misano, the wailing, the lamentation, the gnashing of teeth, the sun doth shine anew, and shall for evermore! Translation: when Rossi takes the win at Valencia (and the 2007 championship with it), it will be the greatest comeback since Jesus of Nazareth.

And the number one reason why Rossi won in Estoril:

Rossi lost a couple of positions at the start, but got them back inside two laps, and by lap 10 had hit the front. He led for 6-7 laps, but couldn’t string any laps together in the 1.37s. Pedrosa, aware that Hayden was coming, and Stoner hadn’t faded away, re-took the lead on lap 17 and stepped up the pace for a couple of laps. Rossi found it easy to go with him, whereas Stoner dropped back, and at that point Hayden’s surge forward was over. From then on, it was vintage Rossi, with Pedrosa playing the Gibernau part to a tee: a small mistake under braking on the second last lap and Rossi pounced, taking a well-earned victory.

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Rising Sun @ Sep 20 2007, 11:01 AM) [snapback]91875[/snapback]<div class='quotemain'>

The Top Ten Reasons Why Rossi Won In Estoril.

10. Zzzzzzzzzzz... Don’t know about you, but I turned the TV off after the first lap. Stoner in front, again. ...., MotoGP is sooooo boring these days.

I hope the F1 race was more interesting.

Another great installment Sun. I wondered how you would pull off the opposite angle, and I must say, you pulled it off in stellar fashion, this was Fantastic! Hahaha, Thanks man!

Cuts, Pastes, Prints, posts on bulletin board at work

You're famous man.

brilliant as alway's!

Round Fifteen

The Top Ten Reasons Why Rossi Didn’t Win In Motegi.

10. Colin Edwards. When the ‘Texan Tumbleweed’ (he blows around aimlessly these days) said at the start of the year: “I don’t see any reason why Valentino and I can’t finish 1st and 2nd in the championship,” what he really meant was: “I don’t see any reason why Valentino and I can’t finish 13th and 14th in the championship-deciding race.” When you apply this filter to every pronouncement Edwards has made this year, his season—and that of Fiat Yamaha’s—makes a lot more sense.

9. Roppongi. Seedy dives, firetrap clubs, drunk and bellicose US marines and sailors, Iranian drug dealers, Turkish Mafia wannabes, Nigerian/Ghanian gangsta wannabes, Thai and Filipino hookers (who may or may not have the right set of chromosomes you’re looking for), crazy Chinese massage girls (who will drag drunk guys into their shops)... and one ....-faced Italian MotoGP star. On race day, our Valentino was still clearly suffering from the effects of his mid-week big night out in Tokyo.

8.Honda. Letting Capirossi/Ducati take three wins in a row at Honda’s home circuit was just what the Doctor ordered. Suck on that bitter pill, you HRC .......s!

7. No Uccio. When Rossi’s constant companion gets air time, Rossi wins; it’s as simple as that.

6. Pure Ego. Rossi wins world championships, or Rossi loses world championships—there are no other realities. Because Rossi had problems again on Sunday, Rossi lost the world championship. I guess there really, really are no superheroes, Vale.

5. Michelin. It has been suggested that Rossi’s front tyre on his second bike was a hand-cut slick. It is also rumoured that Jean-Philippe Weber himself did the cutting. Unfortunately, having “F U C K Y O U D O R N A” as a tread pattern provides unpredictable levels of grip until the tyre gets up to temperature.

4. It just wasn’t meant to be. When de Puniet, Elias and Guintoli finish 2nd, 3rd and 4th in a race with tricky wet/dry conditions, and a hopelessly out of form Capirossi (also no stranger to binning it this year, or at times in the past) wins the race, it’s a sign that the world has gone mad. Up is down, black is white, Michelin tyre-warmers only make tyres colder, and so on... What chance did Rossi have under those circumstances?

3. Antfan. Premature, ahem... excitement over seeing his beloved Westy leading a race resulted in the launch of a unique missile from Australia. It landed, with a... ‘splat’ about 30 minutes later in Motegi, Japan. On Rossi’s front wheel.

2. Rossi’s reputation. Status and records, and providing clichés to TV commentators are very important to Rossi. He’s invariably had ..... races at Motegi, and never won the Japanese Grand Prix there, so that had to continue this past weekend. Also, Chubba Chump had a terrible race in the 250s, finishing 11th, and Rossi is not going to be upstaged by his 2008 teammate in any way whatsoever.

And the number one reason why Rossi didn’t win in Motegi:

The track conditions made this race something of a lottery, but poor tactics (before more tyre trouble occurred) were what cost Rossi his shot at victory. During the wet part of the race, he did everything right—a steady opening few laps, working his way up to third by lap 5. But then the track started to dry out considerably. Guintoli pitted for slicks on lap 7, and by lap 9 was the fastest rider on the track. This should have been a clear signal to all that slicks were the way to go, and for Rossi to change by lap 11 at the latest. Instead he stayed out until the end of lap 14. Problems with a cold front tyre ultimately ruined his race completely, but he wouldn’t have caught Capirossi anyway—the 5 second deficit at the change of bikes would have ballooned out to 15-20 (losing another 10-15 seconds to Capirossi because of the standard slow out lap on the new rubber), and nothing from Rossi (once his tyres were up to temperature)—or any other Michelin runner—suggested he had a chance of making much of a dent in that gap.

Another great installment! Loved no.5 . Dunno bout mentioning Antfan though - he may start thinking he's as good as Westy.

great as always!

'Texan Tumbleweed'

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Rising Sun @ Sep 26 2007, 10:42 AM) [snapback]93216[/snapback]<div class='quotemain'>
Round Fifteen

10. Colin Edwards. When the ‘Texan Tumbleweed’ (he blows around aimlessly these days)

9. Roppongi. Seedy dives, firetrap clubs, drunk and bellicose US marines and sailors, Iranian drug dealers, Turkish Mafia wannabes, Nigerian/Ghanian gangsta wannabes, Thai and Filipino hookers (who may or may not have the right set of chromosomes you’re looking for)


7. No Uccio. When Rossi’s constant companion gets air time, Rossi wins; it’s as simple as that.


5. nfortunately, having “F U C K Y O U D O R N A” as a tread pattern provides unpredictable levels of grip until the tyre gets up to temperature.

2. Chubba Chump had a terrible race in the 250s, finishing 11th, and Rossi is not going to be upstaged by his 2008 teammate in any way whatsoever.



Fantastic
Fantastic
Fantastic

Dude, how do you continue to come up with this .... and keep it funny and fresh? Fukn genius.

Bump

I'm trying to collect a complete set of these for the time when you are a famous writer - where's the Aussie round got to?! Surely you're not still drunk?!

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(yamaka46 @ Oct 19 2007, 06:32 AM) [snapback]95859[/snapback]<div class='quotemain'>
Bump

Ha! Now I'm bumped. I'm sure Bikergirl would appreciate the irony

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(yamaka46 @ Oct 19 2007, 06:32 AM) [snapback]95859[/snapback]<div class='quotemain'>
I'm trying to collect a complete set of these for the time when you are a famous writer - where's the Aussie round got to?! Surely you're not still drunk?!

I'm not as think as you drunk I am. But I will raise a glass to the idea of being a famous writer one day!

Round Sixteen

The Top Ten Reasons Why Rossi Didn’t Win In Philip Island.

10. Jeremy Burgess. The truth is out there: JB’s a closet Stoner fan! Actually, he’s just patriotic; helping Aussies win world championships is his ‘first, best destiny’. In the case of Gardner and Doohan, he did it directly, of course. With Stoner... well, let’s just say that judicious use of an energy polariser (a gift from the late, great Peter Brock [non-Australians might have to Google for this one]) played its part. This one was engineered to reverse polarity at the flick of a remote switch, and accounted for the DNFs at Misano and Sachsenring. It also worked on Rossi’s mind—making him think he has no grip from his tyres—and this accounts for Istanbul, Le Mans, Donington, Laguna Seca, Brno, Motegi, and, now, Philip Island. Onya JB! Aussie! Aussie! Aussie! Oi! Oi! Oi!

9. The Dreamtime Helmet. In a calculated move to appeal to both Australians and politically correct types (no mean feat, considering the two groups are complete opposites), Rossi went with an Aboriginal-style dot painting motif on his helmet. It looked great, but, unfortunately, after setting the fastest lap of the race on lap 7, Rossi went walkabout into dreamtime mode. He entered a trance-like state and barely seemed to notice when that old fart, Capirossi (Hi, Israeli Racer!), took second from him—let alone make any attempt to try and catch Stoner.

8. Dorna. Specifically, Carmelo “I make the rules, but I’m Rossi’s .....” Ezpeleta. Surprisingly, the MotoGP supremo didn’t cave in to Rossi’s latest demand: the Doctor wanted Bridgestones for the last 3 races of 2007, too.

7. Return of the Vegemite. Saturday night, Stoner, in full race gear, had a three hour soak in a huge vat of liquefied Vegemite. So, it was unsurprising that no one came within sniffing distance of #27 during the race—except for Hayden, that is. The proud owner of the no.8 plate for 2008 took the extreme measure of stuffing fermented hog’s trotters up his nostrils before the start, because he suspected that Stoner would pull the Vegemite trick for his home GP. It was too bad then that his prissy Honda couldn’t handle the power of "the world's greatest breakfast condiment™" [Why the second son of Earl “Lord! Oh! Lordy-lord!” Hayden was so upset as he coasted to a stop is a bit of a mystery. Pedrosa had nothing to do with it.]

6. Ducati. At long last the debate that raged since the Losail round in March can be put to rest: it’s all the bike. Washed up old farts like Capirossi and Barros (Hi again, Israeli Racer!) in the top five? And as for Stoner... real champions—real riders—don’t win championships by cruising home into 6th place (looking at you, too, Toseland). Hell, even Nickelodeon managed to at least podium at Valencia last year in his title-winning race.

5. Michelin. “Dear Valentino ‘Vale-the-Doctor-Rossifumi’ Rossi,

We apologise yet again for the poor performance of our race tyres. Mathematics is not our strong suit. 27 laps of a 4.5km circuit = ~60km, right? No? Sacre bleu! Well that’s how long we built the tyres to last for, at any rate. Oopsi.

Looking ahead to 2008, we wish you the best of luck with Bridgestone, you ungrateful, disloyal, manipulative ........ A warm place in Hell (obviously not powered by one of our tyre warmers) awaits you and that weasel, Brivio, who made unequivocal public statements in September about running with our tyres next year. It seems that old HRC adage is wrong after all. They claimed it’s the bike, not the rider, when actually it’s the tyres, not the rider.

Yours Sincerely,

Jean-Philippe Weber.”

4. Casey Stoner. For years Rossi’s had the best package, best team, best tyres, etc. Now Stoner has all those things. Rossi has Uccio. Now Stoner has Chaz Davies. Rossi has a big mouth. Now Stoner does, too. All this one-upmanship is getting to Rossi...

3. Nicky Hayden. The ‘Kentucky Babyshamble’ (Seriously, WTF? A pork-pie hat? Who is giving you fashion tips, dude? Hopkins? If so, I guess Pedrosa is lucky ‘Johnny Moneybags’ doesn’t speak Spanish; or English.) came to play this weekend. He brought a spiffy new wide-load fairing with him, too. It was so wide that it blocked Stoner from Rossi’s view when he was in third, and, by the time he got past soon-to-be-no.8, Stoner was gone, gone, almost-Lorenzo-style gone. Rossi thought he was leading after Hayden’s bike lunched itself, and letting Capirossi through for the win was Rossi’s gift for the washed-up little Italian who’s heading into his testimonial year with Suzuki in 2008.

2. The Mole. Our Vale doesn’t take to well to anyone stealing his thunder. So when the retro-cool-Barry-Sheene-tribute-show turned up at Philip Island, it made Rossi’s own obscure homage to Croatia look a bit second rate—and Rossi promptly lost any real motivation for the whole weekend. Mind you, while running the Sheene livery was a nice gesture, using Barry’s actual 1970s bike is just taking the piss (it appears that Suzuki have been using the bike since Estoril; a hot tip from a secret source told me that that “2008” bike that Aoki will ride at Sepang might have—hold-onto-your-hats, people—radial tyres).

And the number one reason why Rossi didn’t win in Philip Island:

Rossi never looked threatening at any time during the race (everyone except Livio Suppo put it down to tyre problems). Even when he set the fastest lap, he could only close the gap to Hayden in second place by a couple of tenths, and that fastest lap was only the second (and last) time he dipped into the 1:30 bracket for the race. And once the tyres were past their best, it was all he could do to stay in the fight for the podium. Stoner’s flawless race looked like a replay of Laguna Seca, Brno or Misano. Hayden even took the place of the Hopkins/Vermeulen ‘token gesture of pressure on the race leader’ present in those races. Who knows what awaits in Sepang—a classic dogfight (like Rossi vs. Capirossi, 2006), a close, but ultimately comfortable victory (like Capirossi, 2005), or another Stoner runaway win?

always worth the wait!

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(frosty58 @ Oct 19 2007, 03:49 AM) [snapback]95882[/snapback]<div class='quotemain'>
always worth the wait!
yes yes yes bravo!

Marvellous! Sorry for being impatient

Round Seventeen

The Top Ten Reasons Why Rossi Didn’t Win In Sepang.

10. Colin Edwards. Just because the Texan ‘Wet Sail’ is being dumped from the Fiat Yamaha squad, and His Rossifuminess is going to Bridgestones next season there’s no excuse for him shirking his tyre-testing duties. Your Rossi still needs you, Colin.

9. Launch Control. Rossi’s is obviously crap. The 100% automatic system that is entirely responsible for the blindingly fast starts that Stoner makes is an unfair advantage, and is ruining the sport as a spectacle for (Rossi) fans. Vale just wants to be able to compete on level terms. There’s no truth to the rumour that the makers of Ducati’s launch control system told a bunch of faceless Italian journos that Dorna is pressuring them to let Rossi have it next year; or that Dennis Noyes is writing a highly speculative article based solely on this information, and will make scurrilous accusations about waffling.

8. Michelin. At 5+ races this season Rossi’s rear tyre has ended up looking as though a flock of vultures just had rabid, cannibalistic ... with it. So it was no surprise on Sunday that... wait—there was nothing wrong with Rossi’s tyre at Sepang, was there? In that case...

7. Yamaha. ...it must be Yamaha’s fault. Has to be. Process of elimination, you see. It’s not the tyres, never the rider, so it must be the bike. Shame on you, Yamaha. You better get your .... together next season, or Uccio will wheel Rossi’s pram into someone else’s pit garage for 2009. I guess the Summer of Love—it was only at the US GP where Rossi was waxing all warm and fuzzy about the great people at Yamaha—ended with a pneumatic pop at Misano. We could be in for bitter and drawn-out divorce proceedings over the next twelve months. (If it comes to that, get your tax lawyers to help you, Valentino, in a 2 for 1 deal.)

6. Casey Stoner. Like all Americans who ride in the Tour de France or play baseball or win Olympic medals, the new world champion is a drug cheat. Most likely he’s using some form of amphetamines—his speed this season has to come from somewhere! He had a dodgy batch of pills for Sepang, though. The side effects meant his race pace was a bit erratic over the closing laps, and what was with all the dizziness and disorientation when he crossed the finish line? Make him pee in a cup, Dorna.

5. Ant West. Lining up in a 250cc slot, the clown-prince of start-line antics had Rossi laughing uncontrollably underneath his helmet (it’s been reported that Westy will line his Kawasaki up backwards at Valencia and do a U-turn when he takes off, to ensure he isn’t slapped with his 3rd jump start penalty in four races). But right before the lights went out, Rossi had a moment of sobriety: “This .....—who some say doesn’t belong in MotoGP—still managed to qualify five places ahead of me.” Unsettled by this notion, Rossi fluffed (wow! some words have two meanings) the start, and never recovered from that point.

4. Dorna. The powers that be move in mysterious ways: Hiroshi Yamada makes conspiracy-inflaming statements, and they let him live. They subject Valentino to a merciless press conference with faceless Italian journos (who appear to love tearing Rossi down even more than they love deifying his glittering achievements) where he gets so flustered that’s unable to comprehend simple questions. What kind of amateur-hour conspiracy are they running? How’s a poor, down-trodden seven-times world champion supposed to set up a bike, qualify and win a race under those circumstances?

3. Electronics. With all this Traction Control and ...., it’s become impossible to pass nowadays. If you end up with a bad grid slot, and don’t make a half-decent start, forget it. The same thing happened to Rossi at Assen. He started from way down back, was in 9th (over 3 seconds down) at the end of the first lap, and could only manage... 1st place.

2. Dani Pedrosa. The only MotoGP rider who needs a weight belt might not have enough influence to score some Brisgestones next year, but he has found allies at Michelin. Rossi gives the finger to the Fat French Tyre Company—and they give the finger right back to him. Pedrosa (plus Hayden, if you count Estoril) gets the ultra-sticky qualifying rubber now, and four poles in a row shows they can use it to good effect. No wonder Rossi struggled on Saturday afternoon; I bet he can’t wait for the season to end.

And the number one reason why Rossi didn’t win in Sepang:

Since all teams do extensive testing here, setting up a bike for this GP should be a relative walk in the park. Changes to the bikes and tyres, etc. since the pre-season means there’s a little more to it than that, of course, but it was the resurfaced track that gave teams the most headaches, and Yamaha—across the board—suffered more than anyone. Rossi’s had as bad or worse a Friday before this year and still won the race (Jerez), and he’s started from lower on the grid this year and still won the race (Assen), but the magic didn’t happen on Sunday. He didn’t get a very good start, and for whatever reason, couldn’t get up to race pace for the first few laps. When he did, he seemed to be matching the leaders’ times quite comfortably. But it was ultimately all too late. A 5th place might not look as good as the 3rd he got at Philip Island, but he was less than 5 seconds down on Stoner this weekend, as opposed to almost 11 seconds behind at Philip Island.

Valencia is not one of Rossi’s favourite tracks, and last year didn’t add any good memories, either. Call me sentimental, but I think it would be nice if Michelin and Rossi could end their incredibly successful partnership with a win in the season finale.

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Rising Sun @ Oct 19 2007, 03:59 AM) [snapback]95878[/snapback]<div class='quotemain'>
Ha! Now I'm bumped. I'm sure Bikergirl would appreciate the irony
I'm not as think as you drunk I am. But I will raise a glass to the idea of being a famous writer one day!


Bikergirl always appreciates irony. As she does good humour and great writing.
Can't believe there's only one more of these to go Rising Sun

Ben can you put the whole collection up in a hall of fame?

ahhhh..... i'm gonna miss the ol top 10 in the off season only 1 left

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(frosty58 @ Oct 26 2007, 10:33 PM) [snapback]97208[/snapback]<div class='quotemain'>
ahhhh..... i'm gonna miss the ol top 10 in the off season only 1 left


i'll second that....

mate, can you do the same top ten in testing? nyahaha...

Eagerly awaiting Round Eighteen................

Round Eighteen

The Top Ten Reasons Why Rossi Didn’t Win In Valencia.

10. Casey Stoner. In exchange for special lessons from Rossi during the off-season (on how to: earn respect, become wildly popular, handle the media and become solely responsible for everything that MotoGP is today), Stoner was supposed to use ‘Hector-of-the-pencil-eye-brows-Faubel’-style tactics on Pedrosa, in order to slow the pace and let Vale catch up. But in typical Aussie-rat fashion (must be the convict blood), the new champ welshed on the deal. Stoner’s lame excuse (that his old pillow-friend, Alberto, called in a favour) doesn’t cut it, in my opinion. Those men in black who work for Dorna should make him go back to Michelins next season.

9. His unbalanced diet. Too much wine, women and song—and not enough milk, cheese and chalk, for our Vale! It’s no wonder that the bones in his hand snapped liked twigs during Rossi’s now-annual gravel-kissing ceremony at Valencia. Or maybe he’s just a limp-wristed pooftah.

8. Ant West. Actually, Westy didn’t have anything to do with Rossi not winning, but it was hilarious to see him being gapped by a guy riding with a broken hand. Ant is such a joker, isn’t he? Jump starts, lining up in the wrong grid slot, riding with a bad case of the Hoffman-itis, and now patronizing cripples... I wonder what other tricks we’ll see from him next year, after he gets a full pre-season under his belt.

7. No rally fun in Wales. Now that the ball-gag and gimp-suit clad ‘Texan Tosser’ has been handed over to ‘Chubba (equal equipment? Hah! Suffer in your jocks, J-lo) Chump’ and ‘Piano Teeth,’ Vale was told by the powers that be at Yamaha that he can’t go swanning off to his WRC playground at the end of the month because he actually has to do some testing of his own this off-season. Predictably, Rossi took the news rather badly. Even JB’s normally soothing lullabies couldn’t smooth over this dummy spit—which included an episode of self-mutilation on Saturday afternoon...

6. Yamaha. Seriously, how pathetic is this manufacturer of motorcycles? They can’t even build a bike to get 15th place! Sure, Team KR has shown that finishing 15th (or even finishing at all) is not as easy as you might think, but in the post-Rainey pre-Rossi years Yamaha were famous for their mediocrity. But now they can’t even manage a piss-poor result when it counts. For the love of God (that’d be you, Vale) ditch Yamaha. Get Carmelo to buy out your contract with the piano and drum maker pinheads, and then force Repsol Honda to field a three man factory squad like in the good old days. I know what you’re thinking, but don’t worry: of course you’d be able to take your Bridgestones, too.

5. Method Acting 101. During the winter testing ban Rossi is going to become a movie star. Yep, that’s right: Vale goes to Hollywood. He’s to star in another remake of The Fugitive. The script has been changed slightly at the request of his Rossifuminess. He will be playing the one-armed man, as an Italian hero, who rides fast motorcycles, and has gratuitous ... with several glamorous supermodels. Rossi has thrown himself into preparations for the role: he’s got the motorcycle angle well-covered, of course, and is a natural as an Italian hero. He is also forever trying to get a foot (give or take a couple of inches) into the world of supermodels. But, what would it feel like to live life as a one-armed man? Rossi pondered, after Friday practice—apparently forgetting all about Assen 2006. [To be fair, when I think of Assen 2006 I have a hard time remembering anything other than the comical attempt by the ‘Texan Tosser’ to negotiate the final chicane.] So he made the decision to crash and give himself a broken hand to find out. Even Robert De Niro would be impressed by such dedication to the craft. Thus it was that Rossi learned (and remembered) what it was like to be one-armed: not only was it ....... painful, but he felt about as useful as Uccio at a job interview. His chances of winning the race were immediately cactus, of course, but it could be worth the sacrifice, come next March, when the Academy Award nominees are announced.

4. A ... experiment with Uccio ends in disaster. Contrary to the story released to the press, Rossi’s hand wasn’t badly injured in the crash on Saturday. The real damage was done on Friday night, when Rossi and his constant companion’s enthusiasm for each other got out of, uh, hand. What were they doing? I hear you ask. Well, it involved a bucket of lubricant (perhaps not enough as it turned out), and a body part of Rossi’s that rhymes with the last word in each of the following two sentences: Those who like these kinds of jokes will (hopefully) by now have their eyes filled with mist. However, ‘true’ Rossi fans (i.e. those who’ve followed him since 1995 when he rode in the Italian 125cc championship or something) and those who don’t like the Uccio jokes will be pissed.

3. Michelin. Ah, it’s been an incredible year, 2007, hasn’t it? The enduring love-fest between Rossi (and Dorna) and Jean-Phillipe Weber (and his magnificent tyre company) had to end, of course. The flame of their passion burned brightly, but such intensity can only be short-lived (just as it is with the beauty of a delicate butterfly and the precision of a small boy with insect spray). The rumour that Rossi was getting 2006 Michelin fronts that team LCR had rejected is ridiculous. It’s clear that Rossi was actually given LCR’s 2007 prototypes. When you watch Randy go (down) next year it will be due to the hard work Rossi put in at Valencia.

2. Doctor Costa. The usually unflappable medico to the MotoGP stars got a little anxious when giving Rossi his pre-race ... of local anesthetic. Instead of giving Rossi’s hand a little prick as per normal (so many Uccio jokes spring to mind here!) he squirted the anesthetic into Rossi’s bike. That was the mysterious bike problem, people, his engine was numb!

And the number one reason why Rossi didn’t win in Valencia:

Traction Control is for whinging Aussie .......... Valentino, because people on the Internet keep making scurrilous accusations about his ... life, wanted to prove to everyone that he’s a real man’s man who has bigger balls than any European premier class rider ever (apart from Christian Sarron—but as he suffered from elephantitis of the nuts he doesn’t count anyways). Thus Rossi decided to show everyone how to ride a bike old skool. Yeeeeaaaahhhhhhhh! As he flashed past the start/finish line during early qualifying he signaled to his crew that they could turn off all the ‘........ electronics stuff that’s ruining MotoGP’ on his bike. [Hayden had done something similar at Assen this year, and picked up a podium (and we all know how much of flukey, crap rider no.8 in ’08 is, don’t we) so Rossi knew it wouldn’t that difficult, either.] But as it turned out, he didn’t make it out of turn one upright, and broke several bones in his right hand. I guess what Capirossi said is true: that most of the grid, if given a 500cc monster, wouldn’t make it to the end of the first lap.

Wait, wait...

The real number one reason why Rossi didn’t win in Valencia:

Certainly there are worse injuries that riders can suffer, but broken bones in your throttle hand would have to be one of the most painful and inconvenient that still allow a rider to compete; of course there would be no fairytale charge from the back of the grid to victory. It was a courageous decision for Rossi to ride in the race. Although 2nd place in the championship was at stake—and keeping alive the chance to break Biaggi’s record of consecutive Grand Prix starts—there would have been no shame in electing not to line up. Rossi isn’t one to give up, and despite struggling through the opening few laps, he had started to settle into a reasonable race pace under the circumstances. But in the end a (yet to be identified) engine problem meant he wasn’t able to complete the race. It was a sad end to the season and Rossi certainly looked a forlorn figure in the pits as he watched the closing laps. But, like last year, he didn’t run away and hide and you know that next season—for all that the Pedrosas, the Stoners and the Haydens have achieved in the last two years—he will still be the man to beat for the 2008 championship.


BTW, when I say ‘Texan Tosser’ I realise I’m being a bit vague here; after all there seems to be a whole Lone Star State full of ......s for whom the nickname could apply. So let me be quite clear: I am referring to none other than Colin 'the Texan Tornado of MotoGP mediocrity' Edwards.