A Top Ten Guide...
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That got creepier as I scrolled down the page. First some drawing of the clown actually looking like a clown. Then Marquez' deranged 'smile'. Go beyond that and find an unexplainable minature Petrucci.
But most confusing of all, Hector Barbera at an official press conference?
But most confusing of all, Hector Barbera at an official press conference?
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A Top Ten Guide to MotoGP: looking back to 2013, forward to 2014, and (for bonus and time-relevant content) an eye on the present.
10. Colin Edwards and Bradley Smith
Oh, look! Here’s two non-Spaniards who had largely pedestrian 2013 seasons—with the odd result meeting (or occasionally exceeding) everyone’s low expectations—somehow maintaining their rides for one (last?) windmill tilt at staying in the big time. I guess it’s true that MotoGP is not a meritocracy: it’s a mediocrity! The Texan Tumbleweed and the Oxfordshire Reality Distortion bubble (‘My two Moto2 podiums back in 2011 proved I deserved two years on the plum non-factory Honda/Yamaha MotoGP ride’) make quite the pair: goals for the follicly-challenged duo in 2014 include attempting to keep the Espagaro Express in sight, making excuses in the event that does not happen, and securing lucrative contracts flogging strand-by-strand replacement comb-overs from Advanced Hair Studios. Yeah, yeah!
9. The Moto3 Class (My personal favourite)
In a sometimes closely fought battle, and sometimes not, which gently see-sawed (save for occasional sharp jolts) first one way, then another, then another, the 2013 Logan’s Run lawnmower drone championship finally came down to the final corner of the final lap of the final race. Across the year we saw: Alex Rins build and build through an impressive season that could have seen him crowned champion (were it not bookended by a couple of brain-fart induced crashes); Maverick Vinales win early, then fail time and time again to snag another 25, despite almost always being in position to do so—until it really counted; and Luis Salom look for the all the world an accomplished veteran with oodles of race-craft, until his sudden displays of young 22-year-old-wilts-under-pressure at the season’s end. Too bad there weren’t any true wily-old veterans in the mix to prevent the above trio from claiming a staggering 41 out of 51 podiums. It’s always good to be reminded that Dorna’s rules-tweaking-for-better-racing prowess extends across all classes. Be afraid, WSBK fans, be very afraid.
Like all riders hell-bent on the sausage-grinding Highlander path through MotoGP, Salom and Vinales have pissed off to Moto2 for 2014, and Rins would have loved to join them. That leaves C.A.M. (Crazy Alex Marquez; Marc is the sensible one), Jack ‘I hope I haven’t jumped onto the wrong horse, again’ Miller and Karel ‘Samson’ Hinika to take the fight to Rins for this year. Of course, Honda’s fury over another manufacturer daring to exploit the rules could still yet have the biggest say in the championship—in which case Alex vs Alex will be the main event. Still, there’s no denying the Miss Teen Moto3cyclist 2014 will be worth watching, not only for the special talent on display, and the swimwear and evening wear sections, but especially because of the always brilliant ‘If I were to become Miss Teen Moto3cyclist for 2014, I would…’ interviews conducted after each race.
8. The Open and Shut Class
Poor CRT, we hardly knew ya! Forever shall King Aleix be known as the two-time, all-time CRT champion. Yet, fear not, O MotoGP tragic, lie back, open your… minds, and get ready for the future, for the future is now: 24L of fuel, Magneti Marelli Spec ECU with Dorna Spec Software, and tyres from Bridgestone’s ‘sure-these’ll-be-fine’ pile. Oh, and no say in the MSMA—not that this would concern too many would-be backmarkers, since Honda and Dorna are the only two voices that matter in any discussion about rules; and Dorna (and the global economy) have seemingly slowly manoeuvred Honda’s back to the wall, and slid the Big H’s arse within hitting distance of the door.
Some have slighted the ‘Open’ class as a restrictive misnomer, perhaps not realising that ‘Open’ in this case actually stands for ‘Open to anyone not crazy enough to spend the GDP of a second world nation on attempting to race motorbikes on—literally—the smell of an oily rag.’ Of course, Dorna, using ‘one-eyed man is king in the land of the blind’-style logic hopes to—real soon now—make the Open Class the only game in town. In doing so, Ezy and Co. are forgetting that someone out there somewhere will complain vociferously that MotoGP is being dumbed down, that until a new set of arbitrary rules replaces the current arbitrary set of rules it’s possible for bikes to achieve an x kph better top speed and go y seconds a lap faster, using z-type tyre construction and therefore it can’t claim to be the pinnacle of ..... I, however, disagree: Dorna’s MotoGP, the F.I.M. MotoGP rulebook, and the often moving target that is the interpretation of said rulebook is, in fact, the pinnacle of .....
7. Slow-white-Hondas… now available in black!
Back when Barros, Biaggi and Hayden rode for Honda in 2004-2005 the mighty Repsol HRC factory team managed a massive… one victory; funnily enough it was Hayden, not the either of the other two hugely-experienced multiple race-winners, who claimed it. Meanwhile, the satellites were in high orbit, racking up wins with Gibernau, Tamada and Melandri (and, ironically, Biaggi and Barros with Camel Honda)—before the dark times came… before the Empire struck back. The battle in 2006—four wins for Repsol Honda, four for the satellites—might have looked even, but when the smoke cleared Big H had won the war. Since then, the satellite bikes have become whiter, and slower, and fewer in number; their fire has gone out, their charge to victory long since forgotten… now only a talented, but frustrating, Spaniard with a propensity to wreak havoc in the first turn, and a German who teases more occasional glimpses of promise than a virginal stripper, are all that remains of that noble ancient order.
For 2014, Shuhei the Salesman stepped into the breach: we have a new weapon, he proclaimed. It’s cheaper than a slow-white, yet barely off factory bike pace, and, to prove I’m not lying, we painted it black! Four gullible teams snapped up the offer that smug Insiders were already calling podium worthy, maybe even a winner, if the stars aligned—never noticing the fine print that read: we reserve the right to nobble further our already nobbled design, since Casey kinda showed in just a handful of laps the package potential and we .... our pants.
6. The Espagaro <strike>Lovers</strike> Brothers
Espagaro, Pol: Race wins: 5 x 125cc, 10 x Moto2.
Championships: 1 x Moto2 (2013)
Espagaro, Aleix: Race wins: 25 x CRT
Championships: 2 x CRT (2012, 2013)
The Espagaro Express…
Is a train that’s coming/
Picking up trophies from race to race/
Brother love is the key/
Open Class and Spanish Passport/
Monster drinks for all, just get on board.
Fraternal affection bordering on obsession can appear incredibly creepy or utterly endearing, depending on your point of view. However, their special bond will be tested in 2014 now that one won’t be watching and encouraging from the pit wall, the pit lane, the pit box and Parc Ferme when the other is racing. How will they cope? Who will cope best? Perhaps they’ll qualify and race side by side, like Team Ducati did so often in 2013. Or perhaps a schism, of the type seen in Greek or Shakespearian tragedies, will turn their worlds upside down? Beyond the fraternal narrative, there are so many possibilities for the Espagaro Express in 2014. Will Espagaro the Elder be able to match his CRT brilliance in the brave new Open world? [Of course.] How long will it take Espagaro the Younger to start regularly beating his teammate? [Not very long at all.] And for One HD MotoGP coverage watchers, how many times will Daryl Beattie fluff and mumble through the pronunciation of their surname? [Too many times, too many times…]
Occasionally Aleix was so good he actually managed to finish better than first, in that he beat home satellite machinery; sadly, he wasn’t awarded double points for this feat.
5. Casey Stoner
For a retired rider, jug ears sure was mentioned a hell of a lot in 2013. He was ‘missed’ by all and sundry; his talents rhapsodically reminisced over, and—somewhat ironically—appreciated all the more because of his absence. While his half-arsed testing duties with HRC—seriously, rain stops play for two thirds of his precious allotted time, and you don’t reschedule any of it?—generated a lot of column inches and helped sell a couple of production Hondas, why does Nakamoto have such a chub for Stoner? Is it because he’s not Spanish? Whatever the reason, Nakers can clutch his wood, hold a torch, carry a flame and do everything under the rising sun to try to facilitate a Stoner comeback but it-ain’t-gonna-ever-happen… unless: Stoner and family lose everything but the chips on his shoulders; or, Honda unloads a dump truck of money every fortnight at the Stoner McMansion and figures out a way to teleport #27 from his Sanctuary Cove home to the HRC pit box at the beginning of each practice/qualifying/race session (and returns him home promptly at the conclusion of each said practice/qualifying/race session); or, a set of freak, off-the-wall, totally out and there and bizzare-o circumstances—beyond the ken of human comprehension—befall the world of Dorna, MotoGP and everyone who ever said anything critical of little Casey.
4. Valentino Rossi
What’s worse than a bronze medal at the Olympics? Finishing fourth… being denied your one chance in four years to step onto the podium, bask in the nationalistic glory, and reflect on the world of corrupt corporate greed that is the modern Olympiad, while holding a shiny metallic trinket. That’s what the majority of the 2013 season felt like for His Rossifuminess. Even sadder: every time Vale did make it onto the podium—with the exception of Qatar (and what a false dawn that proved to be)—was due in no small part to the injuries or misfortune of Marquez, Lorenzo and Pedrosa; worse, in this fuel-starved, computer-controlled era, he also committed the heinous crime of being beaten home by satellite machinery on no less than five occasions. Ago’s record looks safe.
Rossi’s solution to his fall from Godhood? Fire JB. While many have lined up to take shots at #46 for so callously and clumsily sacking his long-time Saturday-night/Sunday-morning rabbit-from-hat-puller, really, how is it any different from earlier efforts at throwing Michelin, Honda, Yamaha and Ducati under the bus in an effort to maintain his sweaty grip at the top of the greasy pole that is MotoGP? Why did Rossi boot JB back to the farm—to suck on Cooper’s Pale Ale, tinker with old cars and stare mournfully at piles of books he won’t be able to read on long haul flights during the coming season—is a much more interesting question than tut-tutting over how he could do such a thing? Was it because Jeremiah never learnt Italian (having promised to do so, back in 2000 before they started working together)? Was it because Jeremy couldn’t remove the stain of Lorenzo’s DNA from his baby, despite innumerable hours of practice and testing across an entire season? Or was it because Jerry wouldn’t shut up to all and sundry about how Valentino was too old and slow, and at this stage of his career lacked the kahunas of the fast young kids to achieve the best lap times?
Still, Silvano has stepped in, and suddenly Rossi is looking fast in the pre-season. You can be sure the credit for any and all success will go to these two, and not Yamaha for attempting the expensive-Honda-style-let’s-have-separate-development-teams approach. But the old hen shouldn’t start counting his chickens before they hatch: once upon a time, another no.2 factory Yamaha rider always looked the goods in the pre-season, yet never delivered when it mattered.
3. Dani Pedrosa
One definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results. Eight seasons of start slowly, perhaps take an early victory, stay somewhere in contention/lead the championship before getting injured/falling victim to a statistically unlikely mishap, mixed in with a too late to really matter surge of dominance = Pedrosa is insane (in the membrane?).
Of course, there will be a change in the program for 2014: Alby Puig is off to south-east Asia to groom young talent. It’s interesting to consider this move in the light of the handbags-at-dawn ..... fight in the press back in April 2013: bombastic and quotable as ever, Schwantz had declared that Dani wouldn’t and couldn’t do .... until he’d cut his apron strings. Unsurprisingly, Alby and Capt’n Pedders didn’t take this too well: Pedrosa was quoted in a terse reply, telling #34 to get ...... (or words to that effect!); Puig used the media platforms at his disposal to vomit out a frothing rant that—while it contained a few accurate jabs about people who live in glass houses—curiously showed ‘the most powerful man in MotoGP’ was overly sensitive to criticism. Having started the fire, Schwantz seemingly left it to Dean ‘Deano’ Adams (for once actually putting his name to a piece on his myopic little blog) to continue the good fight… a response which said more about El Deanster than anything else. But although Revin Kevin has finally got his wish, and Capt’n Pedders will no longer receive the dubious benefits from the constant murmurings of his lifelong Svengali, I think it’s a safe bet that Dani will still bring home the Bermagui Bronze in 2014, an award which seems his by right.
2. Jorge Lorenzo
More than once it was said that J-Lo rode brilliantly in 2013: his gritty 5th place at Assen, a mere two days after fracturing his collarbone; his breath-taking win at Silverstone; the way he kept the pressure on Marquez remorselessly until the end of the season. It was even said by many that he rode at a higher level than in either of his championship winning years—although, when the question was put to Lin ‘I suck on 40 lemons a day’ Jarvis, he denied it categorically. Of course he would; otherwise prune-face would be admitting that the Yamaha was letting Lorenzo down.
There are two schools of thought as to how brilliant Lorenzo’s ride was in the final race of the season. Some have described it as reckless, dirty tactics from a pious-mouthed hypocrite; others as a sublime example of Rossi-esque racecraft, bending (but not breaking) the rules, from a rider at the top of his game. J-Lo did as he pleased, controlled the race—albeit with a couple of moments of Hector Faubel on Gabor Talmasci-style ridiculousness—then checked out for a comfortable win, once he realised that Rossi had decided the lesser of two evils would be to tell the public he was too embarrassingly slow to do anything about the artificially-slowed Repsol Hondas, rather than actually attempt to help his teammate to win a title.
With only 20L in the tank for 2014, things weren’t as buttery smooth at Sepang for the pre-season test as Jorgles might have liked, and Kouji Tsuya and friends have a lot of number crunching to do between now and March 23 to get things right. #99 fans shouldn’t be too concerned, though, as Wilco Zeelenberg is always saying: J-Lo is the best rider in the world, because no prepares better than J-Lo. Although… maybe he meant in even numbered years… and only since 2010. Yeah, that’s it. Bring on 2014, then!
1. Marc Marquez
In the last four years, the Marquis of Controversy has ‘dominated’ every class he raced in. 32 victories in 67 starts, with a further 23 podiums for good measure, and in 37 of those races he lined up on the grid in P1. In fact, #93 has only completed five races in the last four years without being able to wheel his bike into Marc Ferme. Perhaps Ago should keep fretting about losing his race victories record, after all. All this, and, oh… Marc only turned 21 last week; his birthday is the day after Rossi’s…
However, for all his wondrous achievements and unruffled poise in press conferences, dumb-arse Marquez is ‘just a kid’ with a limited educational background. How else do you explain his pathetic slant-eyed pose that adorned t-shirts (and, more incredulously, the back of his helmet) at the penultimate round of the 2013 championship in Motegi? He’s lucky that the sport now has such a low profile in the country that his ‘tribute to Japan’ didn’t register with the frothing denizens of 2-channel. Nakamoto and the Honda brass were also probably quite relived that—due to the laughable DSQ at Phillip Island—Marquez didn’t clinch the title at their home track wearing that ....... helmet. Perhaps we’re all lucky that the race wasn’t being run at Road Atlanta or Phakisa Freeway that weekend…
Back on track at Sepang for pre-season testing, Marky made everyone else look slow and stupid—especially with his blistering race simulation. Impressive race simulations aren’t always indicative of real-world results—Checa’s career highlight riding the 990cc Yamaha was an amazing test at Brno in 2001—but Marquez ain’t no Colin Edwards-type. The championship already looks like it’s his to lose.
Speaking of which, his latest dirt track efforts might prise the door open a crack for Lorenzo or Pedrosa to start the season on a stronger note. Of course, both Rossi and de Puniet came back in around four weeks from much more serious bone-snappage, so it wouldn’t be that surprising to see Marquez at his brilliant best in Qatar. If nothing else, the ‘overcoming adversity to triumph’ narrative would provide easy copy for lazy journalists. In future, though, perhaps Dorna should quit trying to shove ‘racing is in the entertainment business’ down everyone’s throats, and, especially, refrain from using the old showbiz adage: “Break a leg!”
Although, you do wonder if Marquez’s spectacular, ragged-edge accident-in-waiting style will stand up for another eight seasons…
10. Colin Edwards and Bradley Smith
Oh, look! Here’s two non-Spaniards who had largely pedestrian 2013 seasons—with the odd result meeting (or occasionally exceeding) everyone’s low expectations—somehow maintaining their rides for one (last?) windmill tilt at staying in the big time. I guess it’s true that MotoGP is not a meritocracy: it’s a mediocrity! The Texan Tumbleweed and the Oxfordshire Reality Distortion bubble (‘My two Moto2 podiums back in 2011 proved I deserved two years on the plum non-factory Honda/Yamaha MotoGP ride’) make quite the pair: goals for the follicly-challenged duo in 2014 include attempting to keep the Espagaro Express in sight, making excuses in the event that does not happen, and securing lucrative contracts flogging strand-by-strand replacement comb-overs from Advanced Hair Studios. Yeah, yeah!
9. The Moto3 Class (My personal favourite)
In a sometimes closely fought battle, and sometimes not, which gently see-sawed (save for occasional sharp jolts) first one way, then another, then another, the 2013 Logan’s Run lawnmower drone championship finally came down to the final corner of the final lap of the final race. Across the year we saw: Alex Rins build and build through an impressive season that could have seen him crowned champion (were it not bookended by a couple of brain-fart induced crashes); Maverick Vinales win early, then fail time and time again to snag another 25, despite almost always being in position to do so—until it really counted; and Luis Salom look for the all the world an accomplished veteran with oodles of race-craft, until his sudden displays of young 22-year-old-wilts-under-pressure at the season’s end. Too bad there weren’t any true wily-old veterans in the mix to prevent the above trio from claiming a staggering 41 out of 51 podiums. It’s always good to be reminded that Dorna’s rules-tweaking-for-better-racing prowess extends across all classes. Be afraid, WSBK fans, be very afraid.
Like all riders hell-bent on the sausage-grinding Highlander path through MotoGP, Salom and Vinales have pissed off to Moto2 for 2014, and Rins would have loved to join them. That leaves C.A.M. (Crazy Alex Marquez; Marc is the sensible one), Jack ‘I hope I haven’t jumped onto the wrong horse, again’ Miller and Karel ‘Samson’ Hinika to take the fight to Rins for this year. Of course, Honda’s fury over another manufacturer daring to exploit the rules could still yet have the biggest say in the championship—in which case Alex vs Alex will be the main event. Still, there’s no denying the Miss Teen Moto3cyclist 2014 will be worth watching, not only for the special talent on display, and the swimwear and evening wear sections, but especially because of the always brilliant ‘If I were to become Miss Teen Moto3cyclist for 2014, I would…’ interviews conducted after each race.
8. The Open and Shut Class
Poor CRT, we hardly knew ya! Forever shall King Aleix be known as the two-time, all-time CRT champion. Yet, fear not, O MotoGP tragic, lie back, open your… minds, and get ready for the future, for the future is now: 24L of fuel, Magneti Marelli Spec ECU with Dorna Spec Software, and tyres from Bridgestone’s ‘sure-these’ll-be-fine’ pile. Oh, and no say in the MSMA—not that this would concern too many would-be backmarkers, since Honda and Dorna are the only two voices that matter in any discussion about rules; and Dorna (and the global economy) have seemingly slowly manoeuvred Honda’s back to the wall, and slid the Big H’s arse within hitting distance of the door.
Some have slighted the ‘Open’ class as a restrictive misnomer, perhaps not realising that ‘Open’ in this case actually stands for ‘Open to anyone not crazy enough to spend the GDP of a second world nation on attempting to race motorbikes on—literally—the smell of an oily rag.’ Of course, Dorna, using ‘one-eyed man is king in the land of the blind’-style logic hopes to—real soon now—make the Open Class the only game in town. In doing so, Ezy and Co. are forgetting that someone out there somewhere will complain vociferously that MotoGP is being dumbed down, that until a new set of arbitrary rules replaces the current arbitrary set of rules it’s possible for bikes to achieve an x kph better top speed and go y seconds a lap faster, using z-type tyre construction and therefore it can’t claim to be the pinnacle of ..... I, however, disagree: Dorna’s MotoGP, the F.I.M. MotoGP rulebook, and the often moving target that is the interpretation of said rulebook is, in fact, the pinnacle of .....
7. Slow-white-Hondas… now available in black!
Back when Barros, Biaggi and Hayden rode for Honda in 2004-2005 the mighty Repsol HRC factory team managed a massive… one victory; funnily enough it was Hayden, not the either of the other two hugely-experienced multiple race-winners, who claimed it. Meanwhile, the satellites were in high orbit, racking up wins with Gibernau, Tamada and Melandri (and, ironically, Biaggi and Barros with Camel Honda)—before the dark times came… before the Empire struck back. The battle in 2006—four wins for Repsol Honda, four for the satellites—might have looked even, but when the smoke cleared Big H had won the war. Since then, the satellite bikes have become whiter, and slower, and fewer in number; their fire has gone out, their charge to victory long since forgotten… now only a talented, but frustrating, Spaniard with a propensity to wreak havoc in the first turn, and a German who teases more occasional glimpses of promise than a virginal stripper, are all that remains of that noble ancient order.
For 2014, Shuhei the Salesman stepped into the breach: we have a new weapon, he proclaimed. It’s cheaper than a slow-white, yet barely off factory bike pace, and, to prove I’m not lying, we painted it black! Four gullible teams snapped up the offer that smug Insiders were already calling podium worthy, maybe even a winner, if the stars aligned—never noticing the fine print that read: we reserve the right to nobble further our already nobbled design, since Casey kinda showed in just a handful of laps the package potential and we .... our pants.
6. The Espagaro <strike>Lovers</strike> Brothers
Espagaro, Pol: Race wins: 5 x 125cc, 10 x Moto2.
Championships: 1 x Moto2 (2013)
Espagaro, Aleix: Race wins: 25 x CRT
Championships: 2 x CRT (2012, 2013)
The Espagaro Express…
Is a train that’s coming/
Picking up trophies from race to race/
Brother love is the key/
Open Class and Spanish Passport/
Monster drinks for all, just get on board.
Fraternal affection bordering on obsession can appear incredibly creepy or utterly endearing, depending on your point of view. However, their special bond will be tested in 2014 now that one won’t be watching and encouraging from the pit wall, the pit lane, the pit box and Parc Ferme when the other is racing. How will they cope? Who will cope best? Perhaps they’ll qualify and race side by side, like Team Ducati did so often in 2013. Or perhaps a schism, of the type seen in Greek or Shakespearian tragedies, will turn their worlds upside down? Beyond the fraternal narrative, there are so many possibilities for the Espagaro Express in 2014. Will Espagaro the Elder be able to match his CRT brilliance in the brave new Open world? [Of course.] How long will it take Espagaro the Younger to start regularly beating his teammate? [Not very long at all.] And for One HD MotoGP coverage watchers, how many times will Daryl Beattie fluff and mumble through the pronunciation of their surname? [Too many times, too many times…]
Occasionally Aleix was so good he actually managed to finish better than first, in that he beat home satellite machinery; sadly, he wasn’t awarded double points for this feat.
5. Casey Stoner
For a retired rider, jug ears sure was mentioned a hell of a lot in 2013. He was ‘missed’ by all and sundry; his talents rhapsodically reminisced over, and—somewhat ironically—appreciated all the more because of his absence. While his half-arsed testing duties with HRC—seriously, rain stops play for two thirds of his precious allotted time, and you don’t reschedule any of it?—generated a lot of column inches and helped sell a couple of production Hondas, why does Nakamoto have such a chub for Stoner? Is it because he’s not Spanish? Whatever the reason, Nakers can clutch his wood, hold a torch, carry a flame and do everything under the rising sun to try to facilitate a Stoner comeback but it-ain’t-gonna-ever-happen… unless: Stoner and family lose everything but the chips on his shoulders; or, Honda unloads a dump truck of money every fortnight at the Stoner McMansion and figures out a way to teleport #27 from his Sanctuary Cove home to the HRC pit box at the beginning of each practice/qualifying/race session (and returns him home promptly at the conclusion of each said practice/qualifying/race session); or, a set of freak, off-the-wall, totally out and there and bizzare-o circumstances—beyond the ken of human comprehension—befall the world of Dorna, MotoGP and everyone who ever said anything critical of little Casey.
4. Valentino Rossi
What’s worse than a bronze medal at the Olympics? Finishing fourth… being denied your one chance in four years to step onto the podium, bask in the nationalistic glory, and reflect on the world of corrupt corporate greed that is the modern Olympiad, while holding a shiny metallic trinket. That’s what the majority of the 2013 season felt like for His Rossifuminess. Even sadder: every time Vale did make it onto the podium—with the exception of Qatar (and what a false dawn that proved to be)—was due in no small part to the injuries or misfortune of Marquez, Lorenzo and Pedrosa; worse, in this fuel-starved, computer-controlled era, he also committed the heinous crime of being beaten home by satellite machinery on no less than five occasions. Ago’s record looks safe.
Rossi’s solution to his fall from Godhood? Fire JB. While many have lined up to take shots at #46 for so callously and clumsily sacking his long-time Saturday-night/Sunday-morning rabbit-from-hat-puller, really, how is it any different from earlier efforts at throwing Michelin, Honda, Yamaha and Ducati under the bus in an effort to maintain his sweaty grip at the top of the greasy pole that is MotoGP? Why did Rossi boot JB back to the farm—to suck on Cooper’s Pale Ale, tinker with old cars and stare mournfully at piles of books he won’t be able to read on long haul flights during the coming season—is a much more interesting question than tut-tutting over how he could do such a thing? Was it because Jeremiah never learnt Italian (having promised to do so, back in 2000 before they started working together)? Was it because Jeremy couldn’t remove the stain of Lorenzo’s DNA from his baby, despite innumerable hours of practice and testing across an entire season? Or was it because Jerry wouldn’t shut up to all and sundry about how Valentino was too old and slow, and at this stage of his career lacked the kahunas of the fast young kids to achieve the best lap times?
Still, Silvano has stepped in, and suddenly Rossi is looking fast in the pre-season. You can be sure the credit for any and all success will go to these two, and not Yamaha for attempting the expensive-Honda-style-let’s-have-separate-development-teams approach. But the old hen shouldn’t start counting his chickens before they hatch: once upon a time, another no.2 factory Yamaha rider always looked the goods in the pre-season, yet never delivered when it mattered.
3. Dani Pedrosa
One definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results. Eight seasons of start slowly, perhaps take an early victory, stay somewhere in contention/lead the championship before getting injured/falling victim to a statistically unlikely mishap, mixed in with a too late to really matter surge of dominance = Pedrosa is insane (in the membrane?).
Of course, there will be a change in the program for 2014: Alby Puig is off to south-east Asia to groom young talent. It’s interesting to consider this move in the light of the handbags-at-dawn ..... fight in the press back in April 2013: bombastic and quotable as ever, Schwantz had declared that Dani wouldn’t and couldn’t do .... until he’d cut his apron strings. Unsurprisingly, Alby and Capt’n Pedders didn’t take this too well: Pedrosa was quoted in a terse reply, telling #34 to get ...... (or words to that effect!); Puig used the media platforms at his disposal to vomit out a frothing rant that—while it contained a few accurate jabs about people who live in glass houses—curiously showed ‘the most powerful man in MotoGP’ was overly sensitive to criticism. Having started the fire, Schwantz seemingly left it to Dean ‘Deano’ Adams (for once actually putting his name to a piece on his myopic little blog) to continue the good fight… a response which said more about El Deanster than anything else. But although Revin Kevin has finally got his wish, and Capt’n Pedders will no longer receive the dubious benefits from the constant murmurings of his lifelong Svengali, I think it’s a safe bet that Dani will still bring home the Bermagui Bronze in 2014, an award which seems his by right.
2. Jorge Lorenzo
More than once it was said that J-Lo rode brilliantly in 2013: his gritty 5th place at Assen, a mere two days after fracturing his collarbone; his breath-taking win at Silverstone; the way he kept the pressure on Marquez remorselessly until the end of the season. It was even said by many that he rode at a higher level than in either of his championship winning years—although, when the question was put to Lin ‘I suck on 40 lemons a day’ Jarvis, he denied it categorically. Of course he would; otherwise prune-face would be admitting that the Yamaha was letting Lorenzo down.
There are two schools of thought as to how brilliant Lorenzo’s ride was in the final race of the season. Some have described it as reckless, dirty tactics from a pious-mouthed hypocrite; others as a sublime example of Rossi-esque racecraft, bending (but not breaking) the rules, from a rider at the top of his game. J-Lo did as he pleased, controlled the race—albeit with a couple of moments of Hector Faubel on Gabor Talmasci-style ridiculousness—then checked out for a comfortable win, once he realised that Rossi had decided the lesser of two evils would be to tell the public he was too embarrassingly slow to do anything about the artificially-slowed Repsol Hondas, rather than actually attempt to help his teammate to win a title.
With only 20L in the tank for 2014, things weren’t as buttery smooth at Sepang for the pre-season test as Jorgles might have liked, and Kouji Tsuya and friends have a lot of number crunching to do between now and March 23 to get things right. #99 fans shouldn’t be too concerned, though, as Wilco Zeelenberg is always saying: J-Lo is the best rider in the world, because no prepares better than J-Lo. Although… maybe he meant in even numbered years… and only since 2010. Yeah, that’s it. Bring on 2014, then!
1. Marc Marquez
In the last four years, the Marquis of Controversy has ‘dominated’ every class he raced in. 32 victories in 67 starts, with a further 23 podiums for good measure, and in 37 of those races he lined up on the grid in P1. In fact, #93 has only completed five races in the last four years without being able to wheel his bike into Marc Ferme. Perhaps Ago should keep fretting about losing his race victories record, after all. All this, and, oh… Marc only turned 21 last week; his birthday is the day after Rossi’s…
However, for all his wondrous achievements and unruffled poise in press conferences, dumb-arse Marquez is ‘just a kid’ with a limited educational background. How else do you explain his pathetic slant-eyed pose that adorned t-shirts (and, more incredulously, the back of his helmet) at the penultimate round of the 2013 championship in Motegi? He’s lucky that the sport now has such a low profile in the country that his ‘tribute to Japan’ didn’t register with the frothing denizens of 2-channel. Nakamoto and the Honda brass were also probably quite relived that—due to the laughable DSQ at Phillip Island—Marquez didn’t clinch the title at their home track wearing that ....... helmet. Perhaps we’re all lucky that the race wasn’t being run at Road Atlanta or Phakisa Freeway that weekend…
Back on track at Sepang for pre-season testing, Marky made everyone else look slow and stupid—especially with his blistering race simulation. Impressive race simulations aren’t always indicative of real-world results—Checa’s career highlight riding the 990cc Yamaha was an amazing test at Brno in 2001—but Marquez ain’t no Colin Edwards-type. The championship already looks like it’s his to lose.
Speaking of which, his latest dirt track efforts might prise the door open a crack for Lorenzo or Pedrosa to start the season on a stronger note. Of course, both Rossi and de Puniet came back in around four weeks from much more serious bone-snappage, so it wouldn’t be that surprising to see Marquez at his brilliant best in Qatar. If nothing else, the ‘overcoming adversity to triumph’ narrative would provide easy copy for lazy journalists. In future, though, perhaps Dorna should quit trying to shove ‘racing is in the entertainment business’ down everyone’s throats, and, especially, refrain from using the old showbiz adage: “Break a leg!”
Although, you do wonder if Marquez’s spectacular, ragged-edge accident-in-waiting style will stand up for another eight seasons…
barbedwirebiker
Banned Camp
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Brilliant as always. Thanks Sun.
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Fantastic writeup. Great job.
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The Top Ten .... that happened in 2015 (so far…)
10. Bradley Smith
Since Colin 'Wally' Edwards has shuffled off-stage into Mancation management (though he still has a small but important role to play as a Valentino-spec Michelin tyre tester), Bradders has stepped up manfully to be the lead-off man in his own right for this here Top Ten. I'm sure his personal highlight of the season was being kissed on the .... by a fairy at Misano and somehow finding himself in second place at the end of the race…
However, as long-suffering #38 fans know (he has a fan club, so I know they exist), the true season highlight, the moment that defines and captures our Bradders in all his glory, was his totally timid sixth place much earlier at Le Mans. Having slotted into a typically solid and predictable sixth off the line, he soon inherited fifth from the Marquis of out-breaking-himself. By lap 17 Iannone of the constantly-dislocated shoulder was tiring in fourth and Smith sensed his moment to get one over a loathed opponent. [Smith once vigorously gave Iannone the finger at Assen in 2009 in their 125cc days, when he beat him across the line for third place.] He diffidently shadowed Iannone for six laps, before finally, finally lining him up for a sweet, surgical pass going into the first chicane at turn 2. But the Marquis of Smash-mouth MotoGP, arriving like a particularly non-subtle freight train, shot that plan to hell by audaciously passing both riders in one fell swoop. Bradders was pushed wide, and could do nothing for the remaining laps but watch lamely as two one-armed riders (one, due to the aforementioned dislocation; the other, sadly, with one hand tied behind his back) put on a grand show of passing and re-passing from corner to corner, reminiscent of Rainey and Schwantz at Suzuka all the way back in 1989.
9. Jack Miller
Fun fact about Jack, #5: He loves riding in the wet. Not because rain is the 'great equaliser' or his true talent and bike control shines through. It's because he typically gets an opportunity to double up on his race day crashes; buy one, get one free is an offer no bogan can pass up, no matter what's on sale.
8. Michelin
<sniffle, sniffle> You'll have to forgive me for this entry, but I'm a little emotional. I never dreamed this day would come again… that Michelin would return to MotoGP… I mean, it's unthinkable, really, after the bitter wounds caused by the twin back-stabbing betrayals of Rossi and Pedrosa in 2007 and 2008 (not the first or the last time this ruthless duo has dumped a business partner, with whom they shared much success, once something more convenient came along), but here we are talking about Michelin (being ....) again in a Top Ten entry.
His Rossifuminess broke the strict confidentiality embargo when commenting disparagingly in public about the recent Michelin tests at Aragon. No doubt he'll be severely censured for this (i.e. behind closed doors Carmelo will threaten to slap him with a wet lettuce leaf). Of course, I'm sure not that it was worth this particular Italian journo burning his bridges with Vale by using quotes given under the expectation they were off-the-record and not-for-print. An article pointing out the shithousedness of the rubber made by the blobby white French guys is not exactly earth-shattering news, either, and would be better illustrated simply by pictures of the huge number of wrecked bikes from the tests at Mugello and Aragon. I wonder if 2016 will see the return of qualifying tyres (pseudo or actual); it might be the only chance for lap records to fall in the next couple of seasons.
7. Dani Pedrosa
It's a little late for a growth spurt, but beggars can't be choosers, I guess. It was nice to see a couple of inches of spine from Pedders at Aragon (especially running Rossi, of all people, off track at one point) and Motegi (pushing on for the win, rather than settling for a safe result; after ten laps he was 8 seconds off the lead and 8 seconds ahead of the Marquis of 'walks-away-from-200kph-crashes-unscathed-but breaks-bones-tripping-over-own-shadow' in a comfortable and lonely fourth). Despite missing three races because of arm-pump surgery (and failing to score points in his first return outing) he is only 43 points behind his more illustrious team mate, the Marquis of Inconsistency.
6. He who shall not be named, lest certain individuals develop irritation from loose granular substances in their lady-parts.
The jug-eared one has always walked to his own beat. At the end of 2007, at the ripe old age of 22, he considered retirement. He prefers fishing, bow-hunting and RC cars to a life of luxury, supermodels and clubbing in Ibiza; farm paddocks as opposed to the GP paddock; he married his (first and only) groupie. Add to this list: coming out of retirement to ride in an event so torturous that only insane or naïve or out-of-contract/leverage GP riders would choose to compete in it willingly. His detractors have always considered him pissweak. In light of recent medical tests and 38% kidney function, perhaps they know of what they speak.
5. Luck / Skill / Tinfoil
"You don't win a championship by luck."
"You make your own luck."
"If he had a duck it would drown."
"What stupid people call luck is actually skill."
"Luck and skill are two sides of the same coin."
"What an arsey-......."
"It's a ....... stitch-up."
At some point during a typical MotoGP season, journalists, serious fans, fan-boys and mouth-breathers from the cheap seats (the lines are increasingly blurred between these groups in the Internet age – and not in the good way that is the uncensored video of that song on Vevo; remember to mute the sound if you choose this opportunity to take a(nother) peek) start to rhapsodise philosophically over various existentialist paradigms that might impact upon the championship (a.k.a. 'coulda, shoulda, woulda'). The focus of this year's discourse is the nature of luck and how it validates or invalidates a world title. A 'worthy' topic… brought low by such pearls of wisdom as: "Lorenzo's wins in the dry have come as a result of good luck with the weather."
Consider this: the MotoGP circus schedules its events to coincide as much as practicable with the warmer months of the year in both hemispheres, such that the default climatic settings experienced each race weekend are, ahem… warm and dry. Also consider this: stretching back over the last ten seasons, the average number of wet races is 2.5 per year (median: 3; max: 4 in 2009; min: 0 in 2010). Therefore, it can hardly be ....... fortuitous that any given race day is warm, dry and sunny.
[The corollary point, of course, is that while J-Lo may grumble theatrically about the three wet races in 2015 (falling on weekends at some of his favourite tracks, where he has been the pace setter in practice, clocked the pole time for two (P2 for the other), and looked for all the world that he would go out and win in his usual, dominant flag-to-flag style), statistically speaking he doesn't have a leg to stand on.]
Some (better?) examples of luck and/or skill: Lorenzo, millimetres from re-enacting Gibber's infamous demolition job at Catalunya in 2006, when blasting off the line and leaning into Iannone at Le Mans; Rossi, at Correntiao on lap 10 at Mugello, millimetres from crashing out (the back end almost broke away, then the front folded on him) as he tried desperately to make up lost ground on the pack ahead; Lorenzo, millimetres from being taken out by the Marquis of front-end loses at the end of the back straight on lap 2 at Catalunya; Rossi, surviving being clouted by the Marquis of bumper cars in two separate races (Argentina and Assen).
In a championship fight as tight as this one, it's interesting to consider those races where lucky bonus points obtained by the two protagonists were as a result of the Marquis of DNFs (assuming #93 would have maintained his position at the time of crashing; a mostly reasonable assumption, considering he's barely finished off the podium all year – when he manages to finish). J-Lo gained an extra point at Argentina, and two points at Silverstone; Vale gained three points at Mugello (five if you also include Dovi's broken seat), four points at Catalunya, and three points at Aragon. That's a net gain of nine points to His Rossifuminess. Of course, what Repsol Honda give with one hand, they take away with the other: Rossi's 'lost' exactly nine points to a resurgent Pedrosa in the last two rounds alone.
So maybe it all washes out? Perhaps Luck is dead; if so, Ben Spies definitely killed it.
Not to worry, there's always the conspiracy brigade. Dorna / Bridgestone / the Illuminati / the Muppets have rigged the outcome in 2015, because… reasons. I'd tell you, but then you'd kill me. Instead, why don't you follow these steps below and seek self-enlightenment:
Step 1: Go to your kitchen cupboard; take out three rolls of tinfoil (I know you have three rolls, because everyone has three rolls, since the stuff only gets used once in a blue moon, and then you're at a supermarket and you find yourself wondering if you've got enough – you think so, but you're not sure – so you buy another roll just to be safe, because you never want to run out; even though you never have and you never will.)
Step 2: Wrap a complete roll around your head like a HJC helmet. Make it tight; if it comes loose that would be a disaster.
Step 3: Wrap another roll across your face and over your ears. Cutting out eyeholes, nose holes and a mouth hole is recommended, but optional. It's very important you leave your ears covered, lest you leave yourself vulnerable to appeals of logic and reason.
Step 4: Wrap the last roll around your computer; it's your only friend, so you'd best protect it, too.
Step 5: Search your feelings; you know the truth, it's within you already.
Step 6: Tell the world. At length.
Step 7: …
Step 8: Profit.
4. Rossi fans are up and about and loving life
It's been a long time since the old hen was relevant in a championship. Five seasons of empty grid-filling, resting on past laurels and large-pay check cashing have been hard for the custard yellow hordes to stomach. Sure, there were a few moments of brilliance (a massive five wins, three – count them – three podiums on the Ducati!) amidst the dross, enough to give hope to the faithful, but the year of the busted shoulder and the broken leg was followed by the years of living Ducatiously, thence the year of retreating with tail between legs back to Yamaha (where JB completely failed to make him properly competitive), followed by the year where the Marquis of best-season-ever made everybody else look stupid. But in 2015 he's back, baby!
The three part series written by that Fremantle Dockers fan (who used to hang around the GP paddock sometimes – the lamest appeal to authority since a whack-job Insider told us the RCV1000R was a potential race winner) made enough valid points that it was pilloried by the Rossi-tifosi. Now, even though they read like bad undergraduate essays, complete with paint-by-the-numbers referencing, I maintain that the third part was the best written and most informative of the lot. [N.B. This joke will self-destruct if 'Trunkman' can tear himself away from watching 'Community' long enough to actually write the third part.]
Exhibit A: the race at Misano, in which our hero pissed away the victory to finish a distant fifth because he was too scared to pit for slicks at the right time, was described as a masterful display of mind games (i.e. Lorenzo, with Rossi totally inside his head, was pressured into a crash… because Scott Redding, on up-to-temperature slicks braked late then fired it out of a corner just ahead of him).
Exhibit B: the race at Motegi, in which our hero, who had built himself up for the challenge of matching Lorenzo's blistering speed all weekend long, including (gasp!) qualifying, actually lead into the first/second corner… then wilted almost immediately as J-Lo imperiously swept to the front in turns three/four before effortlessly establishing a commanding gap. Watching Lorenzo put three seconds on him in three laps, and manage that margin for 15 laps, was described as cunning strategy by a wily old fox, probably cooked up during his last minute chat on the grid with the Bridgestone guy.
Exhibit C: dealing with the media, in which our hero is ever-smiling and happy (except when he's not), gracious and humble (except when he's not), spontaneous, witty and charming (except when he's not), in marked contrast to his rivals who are always terse, scowling, sulky, whining, smug, or fake (except when they're not).
Exhibit D: watching a race from 2007 recently, I was reminded this is hardly a new phenomenon. Dear old, affable, slightly-addled, Nick 'absolutely-flying' Harris described Ducati's #27 thusly: "Here he is, the heir apparent to Valentino's crown," [Harris then self-corrected] "or should I say, to Valentino Rossi and Nicky Hayden's crown…" Nice of him to least co-acknowledge the title holder, don't you think? To say that Harris has enjoyed commentating on 36 year old (yes, he's 36 years old) Rossi's resurgent season is the biggest understatement since Niagara Falls was described as 'moist.' Even at his advanced age, I'm sure Nick would still totally marry him and have Valentino's babies.
Of course these foaming yellow VR46 merchandise-wearing, card-carrying band wagoners (who probably also support Man U, the Patriots or Hawthorn) will surely acknowledge either J-Lo or the Marquis of double-fist-pump-tantrums-standing-over-crashed-bikes (whoever finishes the season with more race wins) as the true and rightful champion for 2015. We all remember their strident and passionate declamations during the 2006/2007 off-season…
3. Nicky Hayden
The 2006 World Champion, who hasn't won a race in 3,401 days (at the time of writing), nor so much as stood on the podium in 1,657 days, has come to the realisation that his time in the GP paddock is over. He'll now take up a modest retirement fund with Ten Kate in WSBK, riding yet another god-awful Honda in 2016; the silver lining apparently being that he might get to develop a new bike in 2017 for someone else to win on in the future. Meanwhile, in an alternate universe where 990cc bikes and made to order Michelins weren't ....-canned after 2006, Hayden – his first four years compares favourably with Doohan's career trajectory – is a much venerated, wildly popular multiple world champion.
2. Jorge Lorenzo
The fastest rider of the 2015 championship will not be crowned champion. That's right, the Marquis of Pole Position (he has seven vs five total for Yamaha riders) and Fastest Laps (he has six vs four each for the Yamaha riders) will not be claiming a third straight world title. Nor will the second fastest rider, either. J-Lo's on-track failings, the oft-documented inability to adapt to changing circumstances in a race, in the event that plan A (win in runaway-Rainey-style domination from lights out to chequered flag) is not working, is not the reason he will not be champion this year. His perceived off-track failings – an insincere desire to be seen as calm and wise with a dash of wit and charm oft-marred by irritation and frustration over slights and misfortune both real and imagined – will not prevent him from taking the title, either. It's quite simple, really: podium finishes are the key for 2015. J-Lo has nine, while Rossi has racked up fourteen. Using a quick, back-of-the-napkin-average of 20 points per podium, that's a 100 point differential. It's amazing the championship is still even close at this stage. Barring the re-emergence of Valentino's once-annual gravel-kissing ceremony in one of the next three races, Lorenzo won't be joining Roberts and Rainey (and Rossi) in the pantheon of triple world champs for Yamaha.
1. Valentino Rossi
History never repeats /
I tell myself before I go to sleep
Don't say the words you might regret /
I've lost before you know I can't forget
In 2009 the MotoGP circus arrived at Philip Island with three rounds to go and 18 points separating Yamaha team mates Valentino Rossi and Jorge Lorenzo. The race was even held on the same day, Sunday the 18th of October. The more things change, the more they don't.
After J-Lo duly crashed out at the first corner at that event, His Rossifuminess wrapped up title number 7 (ok, number 9, if you insist) a week later in Sepang, to the surprise of no one; only a donkey-brained crash at Indianapolis had brought the championship back to life in the second half of the season.
What is different this time is that despite leading the championship the whole season Valentino has never really been considered the favourite to actually win it (until now). Somehow Mr. glittering career has not only managed to be 'the cleverest and most brilliant' this season but also positioned himself as the underdog and sentimental favourite. Perhaps it’s the way he's [Pete Bensoned] his way onto the podium at virtually every round. Perhaps it's because even his race wins have lacked the authority of previous years (with the possible exception of Silverstone); Dovi over complicated things at Qatar; the Marquis of hesitation blinked on the grid and made the switch to the wrong tyre at Argentina, while Rossi guessed correctly; the Marquis of 'careful-stalking-but-clumsy-pouncing' blew his chance at Assen.
Mathematically, all the Doctor needs is a maximum of 58 points – and that's only if J-Lo is able to run the table; something the Repsol Hondas will surely prevent. In reality, all he basically has to do is not crash and the title is his; of course, the last time he was faced with that equation… he crashed. Surely history won't repeat…
10. Bradley Smith
Since Colin 'Wally' Edwards has shuffled off-stage into Mancation management (though he still has a small but important role to play as a Valentino-spec Michelin tyre tester), Bradders has stepped up manfully to be the lead-off man in his own right for this here Top Ten. I'm sure his personal highlight of the season was being kissed on the .... by a fairy at Misano and somehow finding himself in second place at the end of the race…
However, as long-suffering #38 fans know (he has a fan club, so I know they exist), the true season highlight, the moment that defines and captures our Bradders in all his glory, was his totally timid sixth place much earlier at Le Mans. Having slotted into a typically solid and predictable sixth off the line, he soon inherited fifth from the Marquis of out-breaking-himself. By lap 17 Iannone of the constantly-dislocated shoulder was tiring in fourth and Smith sensed his moment to get one over a loathed opponent. [Smith once vigorously gave Iannone the finger at Assen in 2009 in their 125cc days, when he beat him across the line for third place.] He diffidently shadowed Iannone for six laps, before finally, finally lining him up for a sweet, surgical pass going into the first chicane at turn 2. But the Marquis of Smash-mouth MotoGP, arriving like a particularly non-subtle freight train, shot that plan to hell by audaciously passing both riders in one fell swoop. Bradders was pushed wide, and could do nothing for the remaining laps but watch lamely as two one-armed riders (one, due to the aforementioned dislocation; the other, sadly, with one hand tied behind his back) put on a grand show of passing and re-passing from corner to corner, reminiscent of Rainey and Schwantz at Suzuka all the way back in 1989.
9. Jack Miller
Fun fact about Jack, #5: He loves riding in the wet. Not because rain is the 'great equaliser' or his true talent and bike control shines through. It's because he typically gets an opportunity to double up on his race day crashes; buy one, get one free is an offer no bogan can pass up, no matter what's on sale.
8. Michelin
<sniffle, sniffle> You'll have to forgive me for this entry, but I'm a little emotional. I never dreamed this day would come again… that Michelin would return to MotoGP… I mean, it's unthinkable, really, after the bitter wounds caused by the twin back-stabbing betrayals of Rossi and Pedrosa in 2007 and 2008 (not the first or the last time this ruthless duo has dumped a business partner, with whom they shared much success, once something more convenient came along), but here we are talking about Michelin (being ....) again in a Top Ten entry.
His Rossifuminess broke the strict confidentiality embargo when commenting disparagingly in public about the recent Michelin tests at Aragon. No doubt he'll be severely censured for this (i.e. behind closed doors Carmelo will threaten to slap him with a wet lettuce leaf). Of course, I'm sure not that it was worth this particular Italian journo burning his bridges with Vale by using quotes given under the expectation they were off-the-record and not-for-print. An article pointing out the shithousedness of the rubber made by the blobby white French guys is not exactly earth-shattering news, either, and would be better illustrated simply by pictures of the huge number of wrecked bikes from the tests at Mugello and Aragon. I wonder if 2016 will see the return of qualifying tyres (pseudo or actual); it might be the only chance for lap records to fall in the next couple of seasons.
7. Dani Pedrosa
It's a little late for a growth spurt, but beggars can't be choosers, I guess. It was nice to see a couple of inches of spine from Pedders at Aragon (especially running Rossi, of all people, off track at one point) and Motegi (pushing on for the win, rather than settling for a safe result; after ten laps he was 8 seconds off the lead and 8 seconds ahead of the Marquis of 'walks-away-from-200kph-crashes-unscathed-but breaks-bones-tripping-over-own-shadow' in a comfortable and lonely fourth). Despite missing three races because of arm-pump surgery (and failing to score points in his first return outing) he is only 43 points behind his more illustrious team mate, the Marquis of Inconsistency.
6. He who shall not be named, lest certain individuals develop irritation from loose granular substances in their lady-parts.
The jug-eared one has always walked to his own beat. At the end of 2007, at the ripe old age of 22, he considered retirement. He prefers fishing, bow-hunting and RC cars to a life of luxury, supermodels and clubbing in Ibiza; farm paddocks as opposed to the GP paddock; he married his (first and only) groupie. Add to this list: coming out of retirement to ride in an event so torturous that only insane or naïve or out-of-contract/leverage GP riders would choose to compete in it willingly. His detractors have always considered him pissweak. In light of recent medical tests and 38% kidney function, perhaps they know of what they speak.
5. Luck / Skill / Tinfoil
"You don't win a championship by luck."
"You make your own luck."
"If he had a duck it would drown."
"What stupid people call luck is actually skill."
"Luck and skill are two sides of the same coin."
"What an arsey-......."
"It's a ....... stitch-up."
At some point during a typical MotoGP season, journalists, serious fans, fan-boys and mouth-breathers from the cheap seats (the lines are increasingly blurred between these groups in the Internet age – and not in the good way that is the uncensored video of that song on Vevo; remember to mute the sound if you choose this opportunity to take a(nother) peek) start to rhapsodise philosophically over various existentialist paradigms that might impact upon the championship (a.k.a. 'coulda, shoulda, woulda'). The focus of this year's discourse is the nature of luck and how it validates or invalidates a world title. A 'worthy' topic… brought low by such pearls of wisdom as: "Lorenzo's wins in the dry have come as a result of good luck with the weather."
Consider this: the MotoGP circus schedules its events to coincide as much as practicable with the warmer months of the year in both hemispheres, such that the default climatic settings experienced each race weekend are, ahem… warm and dry. Also consider this: stretching back over the last ten seasons, the average number of wet races is 2.5 per year (median: 3; max: 4 in 2009; min: 0 in 2010). Therefore, it can hardly be ....... fortuitous that any given race day is warm, dry and sunny.
[The corollary point, of course, is that while J-Lo may grumble theatrically about the three wet races in 2015 (falling on weekends at some of his favourite tracks, where he has been the pace setter in practice, clocked the pole time for two (P2 for the other), and looked for all the world that he would go out and win in his usual, dominant flag-to-flag style), statistically speaking he doesn't have a leg to stand on.]
Some (better?) examples of luck and/or skill: Lorenzo, millimetres from re-enacting Gibber's infamous demolition job at Catalunya in 2006, when blasting off the line and leaning into Iannone at Le Mans; Rossi, at Correntiao on lap 10 at Mugello, millimetres from crashing out (the back end almost broke away, then the front folded on him) as he tried desperately to make up lost ground on the pack ahead; Lorenzo, millimetres from being taken out by the Marquis of front-end loses at the end of the back straight on lap 2 at Catalunya; Rossi, surviving being clouted by the Marquis of bumper cars in two separate races (Argentina and Assen).
In a championship fight as tight as this one, it's interesting to consider those races where lucky bonus points obtained by the two protagonists were as a result of the Marquis of DNFs (assuming #93 would have maintained his position at the time of crashing; a mostly reasonable assumption, considering he's barely finished off the podium all year – when he manages to finish). J-Lo gained an extra point at Argentina, and two points at Silverstone; Vale gained three points at Mugello (five if you also include Dovi's broken seat), four points at Catalunya, and three points at Aragon. That's a net gain of nine points to His Rossifuminess. Of course, what Repsol Honda give with one hand, they take away with the other: Rossi's 'lost' exactly nine points to a resurgent Pedrosa in the last two rounds alone.
So maybe it all washes out? Perhaps Luck is dead; if so, Ben Spies definitely killed it.
Not to worry, there's always the conspiracy brigade. Dorna / Bridgestone / the Illuminati / the Muppets have rigged the outcome in 2015, because… reasons. I'd tell you, but then you'd kill me. Instead, why don't you follow these steps below and seek self-enlightenment:
Step 1: Go to your kitchen cupboard; take out three rolls of tinfoil (I know you have three rolls, because everyone has three rolls, since the stuff only gets used once in a blue moon, and then you're at a supermarket and you find yourself wondering if you've got enough – you think so, but you're not sure – so you buy another roll just to be safe, because you never want to run out; even though you never have and you never will.)
Step 2: Wrap a complete roll around your head like a HJC helmet. Make it tight; if it comes loose that would be a disaster.
Step 3: Wrap another roll across your face and over your ears. Cutting out eyeholes, nose holes and a mouth hole is recommended, but optional. It's very important you leave your ears covered, lest you leave yourself vulnerable to appeals of logic and reason.
Step 4: Wrap the last roll around your computer; it's your only friend, so you'd best protect it, too.
Step 5: Search your feelings; you know the truth, it's within you already.
Step 6: Tell the world. At length.
Step 7: …
Step 8: Profit.
4. Rossi fans are up and about and loving life
It's been a long time since the old hen was relevant in a championship. Five seasons of empty grid-filling, resting on past laurels and large-pay check cashing have been hard for the custard yellow hordes to stomach. Sure, there were a few moments of brilliance (a massive five wins, three – count them – three podiums on the Ducati!) amidst the dross, enough to give hope to the faithful, but the year of the busted shoulder and the broken leg was followed by the years of living Ducatiously, thence the year of retreating with tail between legs back to Yamaha (where JB completely failed to make him properly competitive), followed by the year where the Marquis of best-season-ever made everybody else look stupid. But in 2015 he's back, baby!
The three part series written by that Fremantle Dockers fan (who used to hang around the GP paddock sometimes – the lamest appeal to authority since a whack-job Insider told us the RCV1000R was a potential race winner) made enough valid points that it was pilloried by the Rossi-tifosi. Now, even though they read like bad undergraduate essays, complete with paint-by-the-numbers referencing, I maintain that the third part was the best written and most informative of the lot. [N.B. This joke will self-destruct if 'Trunkman' can tear himself away from watching 'Community' long enough to actually write the third part.]
Exhibit A: the race at Misano, in which our hero pissed away the victory to finish a distant fifth because he was too scared to pit for slicks at the right time, was described as a masterful display of mind games (i.e. Lorenzo, with Rossi totally inside his head, was pressured into a crash… because Scott Redding, on up-to-temperature slicks braked late then fired it out of a corner just ahead of him).
Exhibit B: the race at Motegi, in which our hero, who had built himself up for the challenge of matching Lorenzo's blistering speed all weekend long, including (gasp!) qualifying, actually lead into the first/second corner… then wilted almost immediately as J-Lo imperiously swept to the front in turns three/four before effortlessly establishing a commanding gap. Watching Lorenzo put three seconds on him in three laps, and manage that margin for 15 laps, was described as cunning strategy by a wily old fox, probably cooked up during his last minute chat on the grid with the Bridgestone guy.
Exhibit C: dealing with the media, in which our hero is ever-smiling and happy (except when he's not), gracious and humble (except when he's not), spontaneous, witty and charming (except when he's not), in marked contrast to his rivals who are always terse, scowling, sulky, whining, smug, or fake (except when they're not).
Exhibit D: watching a race from 2007 recently, I was reminded this is hardly a new phenomenon. Dear old, affable, slightly-addled, Nick 'absolutely-flying' Harris described Ducati's #27 thusly: "Here he is, the heir apparent to Valentino's crown," [Harris then self-corrected] "or should I say, to Valentino Rossi and Nicky Hayden's crown…" Nice of him to least co-acknowledge the title holder, don't you think? To say that Harris has enjoyed commentating on 36 year old (yes, he's 36 years old) Rossi's resurgent season is the biggest understatement since Niagara Falls was described as 'moist.' Even at his advanced age, I'm sure Nick would still totally marry him and have Valentino's babies.
Of course these foaming yellow VR46 merchandise-wearing, card-carrying band wagoners (who probably also support Man U, the Patriots or Hawthorn) will surely acknowledge either J-Lo or the Marquis of double-fist-pump-tantrums-standing-over-crashed-bikes (whoever finishes the season with more race wins) as the true and rightful champion for 2015. We all remember their strident and passionate declamations during the 2006/2007 off-season…
3. Nicky Hayden
The 2006 World Champion, who hasn't won a race in 3,401 days (at the time of writing), nor so much as stood on the podium in 1,657 days, has come to the realisation that his time in the GP paddock is over. He'll now take up a modest retirement fund with Ten Kate in WSBK, riding yet another god-awful Honda in 2016; the silver lining apparently being that he might get to develop a new bike in 2017 for someone else to win on in the future. Meanwhile, in an alternate universe where 990cc bikes and made to order Michelins weren't ....-canned after 2006, Hayden – his first four years compares favourably with Doohan's career trajectory – is a much venerated, wildly popular multiple world champion.
2. Jorge Lorenzo
The fastest rider of the 2015 championship will not be crowned champion. That's right, the Marquis of Pole Position (he has seven vs five total for Yamaha riders) and Fastest Laps (he has six vs four each for the Yamaha riders) will not be claiming a third straight world title. Nor will the second fastest rider, either. J-Lo's on-track failings, the oft-documented inability to adapt to changing circumstances in a race, in the event that plan A (win in runaway-Rainey-style domination from lights out to chequered flag) is not working, is not the reason he will not be champion this year. His perceived off-track failings – an insincere desire to be seen as calm and wise with a dash of wit and charm oft-marred by irritation and frustration over slights and misfortune both real and imagined – will not prevent him from taking the title, either. It's quite simple, really: podium finishes are the key for 2015. J-Lo has nine, while Rossi has racked up fourteen. Using a quick, back-of-the-napkin-average of 20 points per podium, that's a 100 point differential. It's amazing the championship is still even close at this stage. Barring the re-emergence of Valentino's once-annual gravel-kissing ceremony in one of the next three races, Lorenzo won't be joining Roberts and Rainey (and Rossi) in the pantheon of triple world champs for Yamaha.
1. Valentino Rossi
History never repeats /
I tell myself before I go to sleep
Don't say the words you might regret /
I've lost before you know I can't forget
In 2009 the MotoGP circus arrived at Philip Island with three rounds to go and 18 points separating Yamaha team mates Valentino Rossi and Jorge Lorenzo. The race was even held on the same day, Sunday the 18th of October. The more things change, the more they don't.
After J-Lo duly crashed out at the first corner at that event, His Rossifuminess wrapped up title number 7 (ok, number 9, if you insist) a week later in Sepang, to the surprise of no one; only a donkey-brained crash at Indianapolis had brought the championship back to life in the second half of the season.
What is different this time is that despite leading the championship the whole season Valentino has never really been considered the favourite to actually win it (until now). Somehow Mr. glittering career has not only managed to be 'the cleverest and most brilliant' this season but also positioned himself as the underdog and sentimental favourite. Perhaps it’s the way he's [Pete Bensoned] his way onto the podium at virtually every round. Perhaps it's because even his race wins have lacked the authority of previous years (with the possible exception of Silverstone); Dovi over complicated things at Qatar; the Marquis of hesitation blinked on the grid and made the switch to the wrong tyre at Argentina, while Rossi guessed correctly; the Marquis of 'careful-stalking-but-clumsy-pouncing' blew his chance at Assen.
Mathematically, all the Doctor needs is a maximum of 58 points – and that's only if J-Lo is able to run the table; something the Repsol Hondas will surely prevent. In reality, all he basically has to do is not crash and the title is his; of course, the last time he was faced with that equation… he crashed. Surely history won't repeat…
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Thank you Sun. Where things can get very serious on the internet regarding Motogp and opinions it's great to read something a little more lighthearted and humorous. I haven't laughed so much since reading a "motogpnews.com" article quite a few years ago.
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