A Top Ten Guide...

I've been away for 2 years, and forgot how much I loved these!

A Random Top Ten Guide for MotoGP, 2011



10. “I think that—at some tracks—the CRT teams will surprise some people next year.”



That was the ‘Texan Tumbleweed’ a week or so before Indianapolis, where it emerged he would be signing with Forward Racing for 2012. Was Colin trying to convince himself that running around at the back of the field for a pitiful salary—although his presence in the MotoGP circus will at least drum up some free advertising for his down home Mancation Retreat programme—would be a good way to sign off his GP career? I think the gold standard for mediocrity deserves better than competing for last place with all the Moto2 kids who couldn’t get a decent ride in 2012.



9. “Someone has to come last; why not us?”



Allegedly, this quote was uttered by Paulo Campinoti, team principal at Pramac Ducati, when asked to sum up their wretched 2011 season so far, but we can’t be sure as journalists don’t exactly flock to the Pramac garage at the end of the day. It’s also hard to say whether Capirossi knew what he was doing when he walked away from Ducati at the end of 2007 (he had the option to ride for this team in 2008, with factory support), or whether it’s karma biting him in the arse that he limps toward the end of his career riding for a team that he’d once rejected. As for Randy de Puniet, he’s surely reaping the benefits of being much higher in the pecking order at Ducati than he ever was with Honda.



8. “If only I was Japanese.”



Andrea Dovizioso is a loyal Honda man (in ten full seasons in GPs he’s only ridden for two Honda-based outfits) and in his career he has done everything Japanese manufacturers require from their local riders: be occasionally good enough for a podium and—when the planets align—be able to take the odd win. Dovi won’t be lining up for the big H in 2012 on a factory bike, but it would surprise no one (if he signs with a team like Tech 3 or LCR) to see ‘the Hat’ finish the 2012 championship around fifth or sixth; just as he has for the last few years.



7. “Is ok for me, I will ride with Honda next year. Just a few things like money and parts for my bike to sort out.”



One podium, a string of inevitable crashes and other poor results sees the Hair Bear Bunch languishing down in 8[sup]th [/sup]place in the point standings—behind even the dynamic duo at Team Philip Morris. For those who think Super Sic is underserving of keeping his ride for next year, look to his history in the smaller capacity classes: years of crash-strewn, shambolic performances, with only infrequent results hinting at apparently limitless potential, eventually culminated in a season or so of sustained brilliance and controversy. With a pay off like that waiting in the wings, surely Marco Simoncelli has a job for life.



6. “It gives me enormous pleasure to confirm that Tech 3 has signed a three-year agreement with Bradley Smith.”



The latest in Herve Poncharal’s Brit rider fetish (and who can blame him when Dorna subsidises and encourages said fetish) should keep in mind how quickly the wheel can turn at Tech 3. Remember his initial infatuation with James ‘Jimmy, Jim, Jimbo, er… call me James’ Toseland? Herve signed him up for a second season after only two races. Remember how ‘pleasantly surprised’ Herve was with Crutchlow’s first, promising results, and how the fulsome praise has dried up since? If Cal didn’t have a watertight contract for 2012, he would likely be slinking back to the WSBK paddock with cap in hand—although he is currently locked in a tense battle with Karel Abraham for Rookie of the Year; as of writing, Crutchy has a two point lead, with… a dozen or so more points still up for grabs!



5. “There are no team orders. Did you see me pass Lorenzo at Indianapolis?”



Yes, ....-for-a-name, we did. We also saw Lorenzo pass you at Aragon, and gesture firmly at the back of his bike. What are we supposed to make of that? Was he inviting you to take a close look at his tight little tooshie?



4. “The RC212v was developed by me.”



Bucking the recent trend of rider’s named Valentino and Jorge claiming not to be engineers, Dani Pedrosa says he’s the reason why the Hondas are so dominant in 2011. Hayden fans would love to see #26 relegated solely to development duties in 2012 for Stoner the contender and Marquez the boy wonder, before being railroaded out of Repsol land altogether.



3. "What I don't like is that, during my time at Ducati, people were only questioning me, not the bike. I don't think Valentino is comfortable right now. He is going slower than he did at the start of the season, even though they have changed the bike three times and he is fully healthy now. That's not normal, but nobody is asking why, which seems wrong to me."



In a recent interview with GPone, Marco Melandri, Rossi’s close confidant and ‘manager’, was not exactly representing his client in the best possible light. Maybe he’s trying to get Vale fired from Ducati, and land him a ride on the Gresini CRT bike?



2. “When various motor sports series come to Indianapolis,” wrote Indianapolis Star columnist Bob Kravitz, “we want the drivers (or riders) to give us a bit of genuflection. We want them to take one moment out of their busy weekend to wax rhapsodic about the history of Indianapolis Motor Speedway, the cachet of the place ... Got concerns? Talk to officials, then shut your mouth.”



Thanks for the advice, Bobby K. Here’s some for you: shut your ....... pie hole. Every MotoGP rider who’s come to Indianapolis has acknowledged the history, the facilities and the massive scale of the place in PR puff pieces, but apparently that’s not enough rhapsodic wanking to fill up a milk bottle, or whatever the exact amount of genuflection it is that ole Bob wants. None of that changes the fact the track is a steaming turd—a freshly paved and not properly bedded-in steaming turd. Indianapolis should be ashamed that its history and facilities are being represented by such a piss awful go kart run. How is it that the run-off areas look like a putting green, but the track has more bumps than the dark side of the moon? It should be of no surprise to anyone that Dorna, ever in search of the almighty dollar, continues to have an event in Indianapolis, despite the obvious indifference of the IMS owners.



Or, alternatively, we could just say .... Indianapolis and their ....... Neanderthal soccer hooligan fans. Remember their disgraceful attitude towards Dani Pedrosa, when he was introduced on the starting line in 2008 to a chorus of boos? Imagine if Mr. Rainey had been there!



1. “Valentino Rossi ready to change riding position if necessary.”



His Rossifuminess has declared he is considering “pulling his thumb out of his arse.”

Bravo Bravo. Thank you RisingSun for making may weekend all that more enjoyable. Good stuff, as is your fine custom!

My top ten guide for this Saturday evening..upon seeing Austin's ...... awesome article and Benny's ...... awesome picture in Motorcycle Racer Magazine I decided to drink my current favourite top ten alcoholic beverages..

10. Westons special reserve cider 8.2%

9. Cheddar Valley scrumpy cider 6.6%

8 Katy's cider 7.4%

7. Stowford press cider. Don't know the Abv

6. Oh nice, my local pub has bought some Pussers rum.

5. Thirsty Ferret



I might have to revisit this post at a later date. I do not want my grammar to suffer due to alcohol. All I can confirm is that later this evening I shall enjoy a glass of ice cold horchata with a double Woods in it.

Willski said:

My top ten guide for this Saturday evening..upon seeing Austin's ...... awesome article and Benny's ...... awesome picture in Motorcycle Racer Magazine I decided to drink my current favourite top ten alcoholic beverages..

10. Westons special reserve cider 8.2%

9. Cheddar Valley scrumpy cider 6.6%

8 Katy's cider 7.4%

7. Stowford press cider. Don't know the Abv

6. Oh nice, my local pub has bought some Pussers rum.

5. Thirsty Ferret



I might have to revisit this post at a later date. I do not want my grammar to suffer due to alcohol. All I can confirm is that later this evening I shall enjoy a glass of ice cold horchata with a double Woods in it.

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That's a great top ten compa Wilski.

Jumkie said:

That's a great top ten compa Wilski.

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Thank you Sir. I plan on completing the top ten this weekend and probably starting again. I wil let you know the rest of the countdown

The Top Ten Races of the 800cc era



10. Qatar 2007



The switch to the 800cc capacity formula—a shrewd marketing move if ever there was one; consider the amazing tie-in possibilities to be had with the stupefying Suzuki Intruder VL 800, the confusingly-named BMW F 650 GS, and the sewing machine-inspired Husqvarna 800cc twin that needed an intervention from God to kick-start successfully—began in the blazing heat of Losail, with a race that was only decided on the last lap when the winner, Casey Stoner, set the fastest lap of the race. Stoner was hounded the entire race by a certain Mr. Seven-times (as he was known in those days), who was never more than half a second adrift (and even led, briefly) until he gave up on the last lap. Not an easy way to win your first ever MotoGP race, even if Stoner’s Ducati accelerated so well off the last turn onto the main straight that it gave rise to one of the biggest myths MotoGP has ever seen.



This race was also notable for being Ilmor’s last (we barely knew you!), for the Texan Blowhard’s unfailing ability to turn a front row start into a mediocre finish, and for the lamentable sight of the defending champ struggling home in 8[sup]th[/sup] place (only just good enough to beat a white-helmeted Barros riding the fastest Ducati on the day).



9. Le Mans 2007; Motegi 2007; Donington 2009; Assen 2011



Okay, putting four races in one entry is a bit of a cheat, and none were classics by any stretch of the imagination, but, when grouped together, they are unique! Only 8 riders have ever won an 800cc MotoGP race. Compare that with the 990cc era: there were 7 different race winners in the 2006 season alone. Just four riders—the ‘aliens’—won a staggering 84 of the 88 800cc races held. The remaining races (conveniently listed above) were won by Vermeulan, Capirossi, Dovizioso and Spies. Convincing arguments could be made (perhaps except for Spies) that these riders only won because it rained. It goes without saying that no one won a race riding for a satellite team (for all that Suzuki tried so hard to make us believe they were one, rookie rule and all), either… but at least this has the benefit of getting us in right frame of mind for the glorious CRT era.



8. Jerez 2011



For a race such as this one the ingredients are complex and finely nuanced: 1 red/yellow MALBORO bowling ball, 8 or 9 impartial marshals, 2 Tech 3 serves of heartbreak and oopsies! 1 Repsol dose of transmogrification (Rain Man Dovi for precipitationally-challenged Pedders), 1 sliding Spies, 1 steady Eddie (no, wait… sorry, one gritty Jorge) and 1 four-seasons-in-one-day (tears, rage, futility and smugness) jug-eared child-man. They need careful blending and addition at exactly the right moment otherwise the excitement will fizzle out and you’ll just be left with a soggy mess. Or you could sum it up with a simple formula: rain + 800cc = clusterfuck.



7. Laguna Seca 2011



The race that broke Lorenzo’s title defence; at least that’s what Kevin Schwantz and the writers’ of hyperbole (sounds like a great name for a band; I wonder what kind of music they’d play… probably something over the top) would have you believe (I’d argue that his crash at Silverstone and being taken down by Simoncelli at Assen had more of an impact, but that’s just me). Stoner’s coming of age, with a measured come from behind win, sage scribes (like Michael ‘mentally weak’ Scott) would write. A breath-taking round-the-outside pass on the front ‘straight’ never seen before, screamed Gavin Emmett (and Schwantzy, back for more), perhaps forgetting that Stoner had performed the same manoeuvre there many, many times three years earlier on Rossi while riding the more unwieldy Ducati. But outside of the sublime porfuera and the ‘out-of-my-way-Dani-I’m-coming-through’ corkscrew pass it was a fairly professional race. Nevertheless, because it broke the typical 800cc race mould (laps 1-3: minor passing as riders recover from poor starts/make the most of limited opportunities before everyone’s confidence and tyre temperatures are up; laps 4-end: a high speed procession that the Holden Precision Driving Team could only dream of emulating—see Catalunya 2011 for the most extreme version) it ‘gets a guernsey’ in this here Top Ten (two references in one sentence for non-Australian readers to Google ).



6. Valencia 2011



Stoner book-ended the 800cc era by winning the first and last race, and was heading for a typically dominant victory until suffering a last minute case of Pedder’s water aversion disorder, making the race one of the closest ever. A sky blue bowling ball, with a propensity for DNFing and claiming innocence (it’s the pretty boy face), added precisely the kind of first corner drama that MotoGP didn’t need to see following the tragedy in Sepang, and cut the field by 25% in one ill-considered and clumsy braking attempt. Not only was Valentino robbed of the chance to honour Marco in the way he knows best, but it was also an opportunity lost for de Puniet to try and convert his impressive showing in practice into a haul of points, salvaging something from a wretched season. And while somewhat apt, it was also hardly the best way for Suzuki to bow out of grand prix racing. And spare a thought for Hayden, brushing the dust off his leathers after a first corner incident for the 432[sup]nd[/sup] time in his MotoGP career: he broke the wrist of his preferred hog-tying hand, and, on a less serious note, wasn’t able to take part in the post-race testing of the new 1000cc bikes.



An entertaining battle raged between Dovi and Pedders, with Spies keeping a watching brief, for most of the race. Initially, Pedrosa seemed the fastest of the three, but he couldn’t stay in front long enough. Dovizioso, riding to keep 3[sup]rd[/sup] in the championship out of Pedder’s clutches, was motivated, determined and aggressive—and basically proved that HRC were right to kick him to the curb for 2012, because he didn’t try hard enough, often enough; Dovi had 3 years riding for the strongest team in the paddock, but all too often merely produced the results a good satellite rider should unless sufficiently motivated by the chance to beat a team-mate or he fell into a situation where he could put one over Rossi.



When the rain got heavier, Pedrosa decided that Dovi could brag all he like about finishing 3[sup]rd[/sup] in the points; he was happy enough keeping his seat with the Repsol team; besides this way he could threaten to run Dovi’s cherished #4 plate in 2012! Spies made his way to the front of the group, and then inherited the race lead as Stoner came back to them at a sudden rate of knots. At the start of the last lap, with a ‘comfortable’ gap, Benny-boy looked likely to shed his one hit wonder status, and show that lightning can strike twice. However, a sloppy last corner exit, and a rampaging Stoner—who decided, for the first time in a year that had already seen 9 previous race victories, to really go ‘all out for the win’—pipped him on the line by a margin even smaller than the number of yen allocated yearly by Suzuki for their MotoGP factory effort.



In other news, Cal ‘Crotchety Cal’ ‘Crutchy-crunchy’ Crutchlow took Rookie of the Year, despite giving up at Mugello (the kind of thing that got big bad Alex Hoffmeister pilloried in the press and fired immediately), when Karel ‘I’ll show you a Sugar Daddy’ Abraham opened the door for Cal to go through on the last lap, then promptly shut it on himself, crashing out. And, last, but by no means least, Josh ‘I took overacting on the starting grid 101 while on an Edwards’ Mancation retreat’ Hayes and Katsuyuki ‘a 250cc wildcard in 2002, and now 2 rides on Jorge’s girlfriend in 2011… the sky’s the limit for my GP career!’ Nakasuga duelled for the honour of a newly struck trophy, to be forever known as the ‘Two-time-national-SBK-champion-who-receives-the-least-acknowledgement-of-their-performance-in-a-MotoGP-wildcard-ride.’ Nakasuga won.



5. Philip Island 2009



Stoner and Rossi went head to head once again, and spent most of the race separated by around half of a second. Rossi never led, nor made an attempt to pass, but this was some of the purest racing you’ll ever see. Their slides coming out of the Southern Loop—Stoner, especially—were simply breath-taking, and they absolutely destroyed the rest of the field.



4. Motegi 2010



Stoner took the hole-shot and prised out enough of a gap over the course of the race such that he was never seriously threatened for the victory. Dovi started from pole and rode to a lonely second. Rossi jumped the start, wasn’t penalised, and came home in third—despite Motegi being a circuit with some of the hardest braking areas (previously agony on his well-documented and ever-excuse-ready shoulder injury) on the calendar. Champion-elect Lorenzo let his pride unwisely lead him into playing a game of biff and barge with the aforementioned Valentinio ‘is fine, is normal, great battles like this I love (except if Elias or someone else mean does it to me) the Doctorinio’ Rossifumio and had to settle for fourth. Their back-and-forth passing on lap 23 and 24 from turns 5 through 9 made for dramatic viewing (MotoGP fans had been waiting for and expecting a confrontation like this since the day J-lo signed with Yamaha) and generated strong words from Lin Jarvis and whining from all Lorenzo’s land afterwards. Rossi didn’t appreciate the telling off he received, a point his faithful lap-dog… er, I mean, Yamaha employee, Davide Brivio, articulated well. Oh, and the ‘Texan Tumbleweed’—a guy on record as hating finishing in 5[sup]th[/sup] place—crossed the line delighted to finish 5[sup]th[/sup]…



3. Catalunya 2009



The opening of Mark Neale’s latest opus, ‘Fastest: the search for Valentino,’ is an excellent examination of this race—it’s the highlight of the film! If you get a chance to see the movie at your local multiplex go and watch the first ten minutes, then leave and catch 75% of any other film showing (Chipmunks 3: for the Furries! is my recommendation). Anyway, about the race: it was all Team Fiat from flag to flag, even though Casey, the little puke, puked his way to the fastest lap (on his first flying lap…), and despite the preponderance of stomach juices in his mouth, a fading Stoner was able to hold a fast-finishing Dovi at bay and take third.



At the pointy end, Lorenzo led from the off until lap 3, when Rossi took over, thinking it prudent to put #99 between himself and vomit-boy. That lasted until lap 12, when Rossi let Lorenzo by to have a look at his rival. He must’ve liked what he saw, because he stayed there until lap 23. The lap chart says Rossi was never headed after that—but those last laps were off the chain! Indeed, Lorenzo looked to have it won, when he blocked Rossi at the end of the back straight on the last lap, but Valentino threw his bike into the final corner with the desperation of Biaggi, praying that his front tyre wouldn’t fold on him; it didn’t, and another superb chapter was added to his storied career.



2. Catalunya 2007



Ever had one of those threesomes where the girl brings another guy along and his sexual prowess intimidates you so much all you can do really is watch? How about a situation where your wife’s best friend joins in, but you’re not allowed to touch her… and again, all you really end up doing is watching? Well, I imagine that’s exactly how Pedders felt as he clung desperately to the back of Rossi and Stoner, but never even poked a… wheel in there, during the intense three way action that exploded over the last 10 laps of the race. Rossi and Stoner traded passes all over the circuit, under braking, on acceleration, with the change of direction, and by lining up moves two and three corners in advance. In a particularly brilliant bit of foreshadowing, Rossi even passed Stoner in the last corner with three laps to go. Stoner ultimately prevailed, but Vale was gracious in defeat and everyone was all smiles in the press conference afterwards. Of course, the Doctor couldn’t leave it there, and by the end of the season he was referring to Catalunya as one of those races where his Michelins had let him down.



John Hopkins 4[sup]th[/sup] place was a brilliant ride on the underpowered Suzuki, and for two thirds of the race he kept the gap to the front trio under a second, before fading slightly at the end. As for the other Americans, well… allow me to quote… myself! “Nicky Hayden and Colin Edwards had nothing to do with Rossi's race—not being anywhere near the front—but it was amusing to see them battling it out in 10th and 11th for 'most irrelevant American' in the field (the Roberts clan don't count; they would struggle to beat the 250cc guys). Edwards eventually triumphed. Figures.”



1. Laguna Seca 2008



‘When two tribes go to war/

[25] point is all that you can score’



‘Casey probably wasn’t expecting to have to race Valentino today; he probably thought it would be an easy victory.’ (Jeremy Burgess, speaking after the race.)



No one gave Rossi much chance to win, just like in Welkom in 2004, and just like in Welkom, Rossi took extra risks in order to win. So much electronic ink has been expended on this race that I hardly need to say anything. Forums all over the internet have gone into meltdown over the major talking points: the corkscrew incident; the phantom brake check in the last turn; the touch on Rahal ‘straight’; the hard passing and aggressive track positioning (a.k.a. Rossi-style race-craft); and Stoner’s post-race dummy spit. But, more than any other grand prix in the last 5 seasons, this race wasn’t about electronics packages, tyre brands, or bike set-up. It was a race between two riders, and on that metric alone it stands tall as the number one race of the 800cc era.

Awesome piece, great to read one once again

A Pictorial Top Ten Guide to Losail and Jerez, 2012 Part One

A Pictorial Guide to Losail and Jerez, 2012 Part Two

When I looked up to the thread that I had lost hope would ever be revived, it said "posted today". I looked at my Limited Edition Tissot Nicky Hayden watch and smacked it thinking it had obviously malfunctioned...



Thanks for lighting us with a ray of SUN shine today buddy.

This screen capture doesn't reveal full horror of Stoner and the Missus steppin' out for some line dancing, but if you stare at​

that shirt long enough I swear you'll start to hear banjos jangling, fiddles fiddling -- and the sound of your own eyes bleeding.​

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That's unfair. He's from Surfers... nobody ever expected culture to come from Surfers...



You're lucky he's not a weed dealer.

Haha, amazing

mt1960 said:

You're lucky he's not a weed dealer.

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keeping an eye on you sir

cliché guevara said:

keeping an eye on you sir

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A bit of local humor... everyone knows all the weed dealers in Surfers are Kiwis

haha no worries, i got it if he was a weed dealer he'd be far more popular on this board though

It'll give him something to do when he retires - after all, the Libs have screwed all other forms of agriculture....

mt1960 said:

It'll give him something to do when he retires - after all, the droughts have screwed all other forms of agriculture....

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In Aus I'm thinking the dryness has had a lot to do with it...

It hasn't helped - along with the torrential rains, flooding, banana disease, general economic downturn worldwide...



While it's easy to point the finger at Labour and that horrible ginger minger Gillard, it's the Libs that need to cop it for the state of agriculture.



And don't get confused, in Oz, Libs are the conservative party... Labour are the liberal/progressive/left.

Jumkie said:

When I looked up to the thread that I had lost hope would ever be revived, it said "posted today". I looked at my Limited Edition Tissot Nicky Hayden watch and smacked it thinking it had obviously malfunctioned...



Thanks for lighting us with a ray of SUN shine today buddy.

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Cheers, Jumkie (and heyhuub). Thanks for the encouragement, as always. Sito Pons, or rather the giant, pneumatically-breasted fembot standing behind him, was the inspiration for this latest edition.



Just a few questions for you, Jumkie. Does that Nicky Hayden watch run a little fast after you first wind it up? And then run slower later in the race, er, I mean... later in the day? Also, has it ever suffered from electronic interference?