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Round Eight
The Top Ten Reasons Why Rossi Didn't Win In Donington.
10. Colin Edwards. The Texan 'reverse-cycle-air-conditioner' (he blows hot or cold at the touch of a button) totally freaked Rossi out by starting from the front row (on pole, no less) and not having a crap race. Since Edwards is the yin to Rossi's yang, #46 was waiting for #5 to drop back so he could surge forward. When that didn't happen Rossi was stuck in limbo (also known as running at Suzuki pace--not ...., but not right at the front, either).
9. Silly Season Rumours. Everyone's talking about Lorenzo, Capirossi, Melandri, Hopkins, Toseland, et al: where are they going? who's signed? etc., etc. Rossi feels left out, and is sulking, because his 2008 contract with Yamaha was a done deal last year.
8. He gave up. And who could blame him? The 2007 championship is over. At half race distance Rossi knew he wasn't going to catch the leading duo--and that he couldn't rely on Edwards to take points off of Stoner, either. Now that there's only ten races to go (and hence a maximum 250 points up for grabs) Rossi knew that the gap between himself and Stoner would be insurmountable. Stick a crown on jug ears already and be done with it.
7. His Yamaha is crap. All Yamahas are crap. Seriously. Did you see those Tech 3 bikes? Eight seconds off the pace. And Rossi? Almost 22 seconds down on the race winner. The only reason why the Yamaha guys aren't wailing at the heavens in despair is because the Hondas are worse. Just to drive the point home, look at double WSBK champion Edwards, he finished way down in.... er, wait... uh... second.
Ahem. Move along, people, nothing to see here.
6. He's not his normal self. Rossi just isn't Rossi without the best tyres on the grid. Those new rules for 2007 might have made for a level playing field with the tyre companies, but that's, like, totally unfair on Michelin.
5. His love life has become a soap opera. Arianna dumped him because the whole situation with Uccio was just getting out of hand (she refused to go to Mugello after he told about the heart on the helmet thing). Elisabetta went along instead, but she thought it was too weird as well (and was jealous of Uccio's man breasts). Poor Vale. How hard can it be for a filthy rich and famous sporting star to get a bit of undemanding totty who will make him look like a Latin stud and leave him free to keep his special bond with Uccio?
4. He's afraid of water. It's well known that Brits don't bathe for years on end, and, living in London for so long, His Rossifuminess has now taken up the custom. Being the superstitious type, he's taken this aversion to water to extremes. The facts speak for themselves: beaten by the Hoff at Le Mans, and by his own team mate (oh, the humanity!) at Donington... With a wet Assen on the cards, Rossi needs to find his water wings again. Some nice yellow floaties on each arm should do the trick. Perhaps a matching pool pony for Uccio too.
3. Michelin. Because it's always their fault.
2. Again he ignored Hoffman's advice. Since it was a wet race, Rossi just couldn't bring himself to fully embrace the commando option. However, he did try crotchless panties--but found they were somewhat of a mixed blessing. While he didn't have to worry about picking them out so much, swinging free at the front combined the sensation of, uh, being 'confined' at the sides affected his concentration levels during the race. At Coppice when he ran wide, the sensation had made him think of Elisabetta. Then, in the second half of the race, he started day dreaming about Uccio...
And the number one reason why Rossi didn't win in Donington:
Rossi seemed to be chasing a good set up all weekend. He never really found one for the wet, but had something for the dry. A wet track that dried out as the race went on was a bridge too far. He got another average start, and his forward progress was stiffled by the early-lap glory seekers like Hopkins and Hayden. As a consequence he couldn't get into a rhythm when his tyres were at their best. That and the mistake at Coppice probably cost him a spot on the podium.
Stoner once again rode a faultless race, and seems to be holding all the cards--but if there's one certainty in MotoGP, it's that it won't stay that way for the entire season. Fifteen years ago another Australian came to Assen in an even more dominant position in the championship...
The Top Ten Reasons Why Rossi Didn't Win In Donington.
10. Colin Edwards. The Texan 'reverse-cycle-air-conditioner' (he blows hot or cold at the touch of a button) totally freaked Rossi out by starting from the front row (on pole, no less) and not having a crap race. Since Edwards is the yin to Rossi's yang, #46 was waiting for #5 to drop back so he could surge forward. When that didn't happen Rossi was stuck in limbo (also known as running at Suzuki pace--not ...., but not right at the front, either).
9. Silly Season Rumours. Everyone's talking about Lorenzo, Capirossi, Melandri, Hopkins, Toseland, et al: where are they going? who's signed? etc., etc. Rossi feels left out, and is sulking, because his 2008 contract with Yamaha was a done deal last year.
8. He gave up. And who could blame him? The 2007 championship is over. At half race distance Rossi knew he wasn't going to catch the leading duo--and that he couldn't rely on Edwards to take points off of Stoner, either. Now that there's only ten races to go (and hence a maximum 250 points up for grabs) Rossi knew that the gap between himself and Stoner would be insurmountable. Stick a crown on jug ears already and be done with it.
7. His Yamaha is crap. All Yamahas are crap. Seriously. Did you see those Tech 3 bikes? Eight seconds off the pace. And Rossi? Almost 22 seconds down on the race winner. The only reason why the Yamaha guys aren't wailing at the heavens in despair is because the Hondas are worse. Just to drive the point home, look at double WSBK champion Edwards, he finished way down in.... er, wait... uh... second.
Ahem. Move along, people, nothing to see here.
6. He's not his normal self. Rossi just isn't Rossi without the best tyres on the grid. Those new rules for 2007 might have made for a level playing field with the tyre companies, but that's, like, totally unfair on Michelin.
5. His love life has become a soap opera. Arianna dumped him because the whole situation with Uccio was just getting out of hand (she refused to go to Mugello after he told about the heart on the helmet thing). Elisabetta went along instead, but she thought it was too weird as well (and was jealous of Uccio's man breasts). Poor Vale. How hard can it be for a filthy rich and famous sporting star to get a bit of undemanding totty who will make him look like a Latin stud and leave him free to keep his special bond with Uccio?
4. He's afraid of water. It's well known that Brits don't bathe for years on end, and, living in London for so long, His Rossifuminess has now taken up the custom. Being the superstitious type, he's taken this aversion to water to extremes. The facts speak for themselves: beaten by the Hoff at Le Mans, and by his own team mate (oh, the humanity!) at Donington... With a wet Assen on the cards, Rossi needs to find his water wings again. Some nice yellow floaties on each arm should do the trick. Perhaps a matching pool pony for Uccio too.
3. Michelin. Because it's always their fault.
2. Again he ignored Hoffman's advice. Since it was a wet race, Rossi just couldn't bring himself to fully embrace the commando option. However, he did try crotchless panties--but found they were somewhat of a mixed blessing. While he didn't have to worry about picking them out so much, swinging free at the front combined the sensation of, uh, being 'confined' at the sides affected his concentration levels during the race. At Coppice when he ran wide, the sensation had made him think of Elisabetta. Then, in the second half of the race, he started day dreaming about Uccio...
And the number one reason why Rossi didn't win in Donington:
Rossi seemed to be chasing a good set up all weekend. He never really found one for the wet, but had something for the dry. A wet track that dried out as the race went on was a bridge too far. He got another average start, and his forward progress was stiffled by the early-lap glory seekers like Hopkins and Hayden. As a consequence he couldn't get into a rhythm when his tyres were at their best. That and the mistake at Coppice probably cost him a spot on the podium.
Stoner once again rode a faultless race, and seems to be holding all the cards--but if there's one certainty in MotoGP, it's that it won't stay that way for the entire season. Fifteen years ago another Australian came to Assen in an even more dominant position in the championship...
