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The Secret Diary of Chav Davies
Christmas Special ‘06: Part 1
<div align='center'>
<u>Volume 1: Alton Towers and Spain</u>
It's been a better half year, that's for sure. I've been up, I've been down and I've been side to side - my family (lying to the ticket man that I was under 12) took me to Alton Towers in September. How cool is that? We went on all the best rides. I had to take my sister with me though, whilst my parents got the family room tidied up (don't know what that was all about - I thought maids were supposed to do that). She was sick though, all over my new, two tone jeans after we went on Nemesis. That was so non-triumphant. Before that I saw some two really hot looking girls. You could tell they took care of themselves; they only had one kid each and wore only two-layers of make-up, real classy like. But with sick on my jeans and my little sister with me, I had no chance. I tried to pass her off as my daughter but it didn't work. Oh well.
Oh yeah, I've been racing again as well! I was out at Valencia. It was rubbish. I had this second-hand RS 250 that used to belong to Jay Holland (god knows who he is). First off, the paint job was rubbish and it handled so badly. Only afterwards did they tell me that one of the front forks was a 04 model and the other one was from a 1987 model. That meant ones was upside down and the other was the other way up. It handled about as well as Ellison's Yam, or so he says. But, even though the bike was rubbish, my payment rocked. I got a PSP and the promise of a Wii when it came out. Now I know how Rossi feels with all those perks. He lost the title. I was there you know.
There are a lot of things that I can't believe have happened this year - you know what Diary? Gigi told that really good journalist Gareth at the beginning of the year (when he had hilarious adventures in Spain) I would get the same bike as that real old bloke Locatelli. I cry to think of it.
I felt so bad for Dani though. As you know, diary, I have admired Dani for a very long time now. His brooding looks, his mentor and the fact that he took out Nicky Hayden all contribute to why I adore him so much. I hope he wins next year. My good friend Casey Stoner, who I used to beat, and was much quicker than, got me Dani's e-mail address. Well, at least I thought it was. I've sent 673 e-mails a week and not one has got through. I don't know. Perhaps he's busy. He couldn't have freaked out, could he?
So, anyway, when I was wobbling about at the back of the 250 GP in Valencia, hoping to take out Lorenzo - just cause he's younger and faster than me, that doesn't mean he's better - I got a couple of e-mails.
Firstly I got mailed from some bloke about this Ilmor bike that some funky chimp was riding at Valencia. They asked if I wanted to test it at Jerez. Apparently, the great McWilliams said I should have a go. They called him up when he was having second breakfast (his third Guinness of the day) and he spat out my name as well as saying I could take you all on, you pansies. I'll have to mention that to him. So, I've booked my EasyJet flight and now I'm on my way to Jerez, playing on my fee: My PSP and waiting for my first go on a proper MotoGP bike - although, to be fair it will probably be slower in a straight line than my old Aprilia.
I'll check in soon.
<div align='center'>
Well, that went well! I was a MotoGP rider for the day! A chance to test with living ....-sapien Garry McCoy, some bloke called Andrew Pitt and McWilliams. It was amazing. They were talking about paying me for the test as well. Paying me?? For just a test? Incredible!
I was due to ride the bike on day 3 of the test. It was so cool. They had a proper buffet at the team hospitality tent, so I could go and get food whenever I wanted. I texted my mom and she told me to go out and buy a freezer bag so that I could fit a load of food in the bag and take home. We're going to be eating like kings when I get back in!
So, anyway, I got to sit on the bike in the evening, after not doing much but getting to the final 3 levels of Grand Theft Auto: Sheffield Stories on my PSP. I've customised my PSP by the way, put on a real classy Burberry print on it. Safe. Oh, the bike? It was cool. I sat on it and it was the same size as my 250. I couldn't believe it: the same size as my 250 but with nearly 8 bhp more. Stunning.
When I rolled out on the bike for the first time, it broke down. Then, 3 hours later I rolled out onto the circuit and it broke down on the exit of turn one. This is like the Campetella bike! Then, with the sun setting, I got to complete a lap. How amazing! It sounded so cool and was nearly as quick as my Nova. What was so cool was that when I was going down the straights, I managed to munch on some bananas that the team had put there to keep The Real McCoy happy. I ate one and put the rest in the combat pockets I've sewed into the pockets. They look sharp - I look like I'm married to someone from the All Saints!
In the end, I made 15 laps, and went a tad slower than the best lap I did on my 250. Pretty crap really!! I'm so slow and wooden these days though, I just want to race. My highlights this year have been pushing Casey's Honda into the warming up area at the Goodwood Festival of Speed. It's not gone well. So, still depressed, and with Jezza wanting to warm up for the test tomorrow he took me out.
Apart from the fact that Jezza 'Begbie' McWilliams 'did someone in' for suggesting that he'd hired me for the night, it was really good. I've never gone out with a man who wasn't my dad, but jeez, he can drink. He drank an oil drum of Spanish beer in 23 seconds, beating all the Australian riders by a mile. Amazing. He was even better testing the day after, well until he lobbed the Ilmor into Portugal, snapping it into four pieces. He broke his leg and mangled his hand. I spoke to him afterwards and all he said was: 'Fecking piece of rubbish. I could've done a 42 that lap, now me wee lad, get me toddy before these greasy donkey-eaters pull me apart. Also, get me the January issue of Bike magazine!" He's my new hero.
So, like an evening watching BBC's Sport Personality of the Year, I finished the testing unfulfilled. The highlight was watching Dani fly around the track and him beat everyone. Some people slag him off, that's just cause they don't know him like I think I know him. He's perfect.
Then, I was on my way home, and some American, Harvey Ballstein or something, called me. He's just offered me a full-time AMA Supersport ride. I'm off to America! Then, the next call I got was from Jamie Ellison. He said to me that he's got a ride in America, and that we could both go together on the same plane. I won't sit next to him. Loser.
How exciting is this? I can't wait till I get to The States. Perhaps I'll get a room to myself! I'll let you know how I get on….
<div align='center'>
<div align='center'>
LINK
Do you think Chaz was being a little sarcastic? Or is there some bad blood between him and Hayden?
Christmas Special ‘06: Part 1
<div align='center'>
<u>Volume 1: Alton Towers and Spain</u>
It's been a better half year, that's for sure. I've been up, I've been down and I've been side to side - my family (lying to the ticket man that I was under 12) took me to Alton Towers in September. How cool is that? We went on all the best rides. I had to take my sister with me though, whilst my parents got the family room tidied up (don't know what that was all about - I thought maids were supposed to do that). She was sick though, all over my new, two tone jeans after we went on Nemesis. That was so non-triumphant. Before that I saw some two really hot looking girls. You could tell they took care of themselves; they only had one kid each and wore only two-layers of make-up, real classy like. But with sick on my jeans and my little sister with me, I had no chance. I tried to pass her off as my daughter but it didn't work. Oh well.
Oh yeah, I've been racing again as well! I was out at Valencia. It was rubbish. I had this second-hand RS 250 that used to belong to Jay Holland (god knows who he is). First off, the paint job was rubbish and it handled so badly. Only afterwards did they tell me that one of the front forks was a 04 model and the other one was from a 1987 model. That meant ones was upside down and the other was the other way up. It handled about as well as Ellison's Yam, or so he says. But, even though the bike was rubbish, my payment rocked. I got a PSP and the promise of a Wii when it came out. Now I know how Rossi feels with all those perks. He lost the title. I was there you know.
There are a lot of things that I can't believe have happened this year - you know what Diary? Gigi told that really good journalist Gareth at the beginning of the year (when he had hilarious adventures in Spain) I would get the same bike as that real old bloke Locatelli. I cry to think of it.
I felt so bad for Dani though. As you know, diary, I have admired Dani for a very long time now. His brooding looks, his mentor and the fact that he took out Nicky Hayden all contribute to why I adore him so much. I hope he wins next year. My good friend Casey Stoner, who I used to beat, and was much quicker than, got me Dani's e-mail address. Well, at least I thought it was. I've sent 673 e-mails a week and not one has got through. I don't know. Perhaps he's busy. He couldn't have freaked out, could he?
So, anyway, when I was wobbling about at the back of the 250 GP in Valencia, hoping to take out Lorenzo - just cause he's younger and faster than me, that doesn't mean he's better - I got a couple of e-mails.
Firstly I got mailed from some bloke about this Ilmor bike that some funky chimp was riding at Valencia. They asked if I wanted to test it at Jerez. Apparently, the great McWilliams said I should have a go. They called him up when he was having second breakfast (his third Guinness of the day) and he spat out my name as well as saying I could take you all on, you pansies. I'll have to mention that to him. So, I've booked my EasyJet flight and now I'm on my way to Jerez, playing on my fee: My PSP and waiting for my first go on a proper MotoGP bike - although, to be fair it will probably be slower in a straight line than my old Aprilia.
I'll check in soon.
<div align='center'>
Well, that went well! I was a MotoGP rider for the day! A chance to test with living ....-sapien Garry McCoy, some bloke called Andrew Pitt and McWilliams. It was amazing. They were talking about paying me for the test as well. Paying me?? For just a test? Incredible!
I was due to ride the bike on day 3 of the test. It was so cool. They had a proper buffet at the team hospitality tent, so I could go and get food whenever I wanted. I texted my mom and she told me to go out and buy a freezer bag so that I could fit a load of food in the bag and take home. We're going to be eating like kings when I get back in!
So, anyway, I got to sit on the bike in the evening, after not doing much but getting to the final 3 levels of Grand Theft Auto: Sheffield Stories on my PSP. I've customised my PSP by the way, put on a real classy Burberry print on it. Safe. Oh, the bike? It was cool. I sat on it and it was the same size as my 250. I couldn't believe it: the same size as my 250 but with nearly 8 bhp more. Stunning.
When I rolled out on the bike for the first time, it broke down. Then, 3 hours later I rolled out onto the circuit and it broke down on the exit of turn one. This is like the Campetella bike! Then, with the sun setting, I got to complete a lap. How amazing! It sounded so cool and was nearly as quick as my Nova. What was so cool was that when I was going down the straights, I managed to munch on some bananas that the team had put there to keep The Real McCoy happy. I ate one and put the rest in the combat pockets I've sewed into the pockets. They look sharp - I look like I'm married to someone from the All Saints!
In the end, I made 15 laps, and went a tad slower than the best lap I did on my 250. Pretty crap really!! I'm so slow and wooden these days though, I just want to race. My highlights this year have been pushing Casey's Honda into the warming up area at the Goodwood Festival of Speed. It's not gone well. So, still depressed, and with Jezza wanting to warm up for the test tomorrow he took me out.
Apart from the fact that Jezza 'Begbie' McWilliams 'did someone in' for suggesting that he'd hired me for the night, it was really good. I've never gone out with a man who wasn't my dad, but jeez, he can drink. He drank an oil drum of Spanish beer in 23 seconds, beating all the Australian riders by a mile. Amazing. He was even better testing the day after, well until he lobbed the Ilmor into Portugal, snapping it into four pieces. He broke his leg and mangled his hand. I spoke to him afterwards and all he said was: 'Fecking piece of rubbish. I could've done a 42 that lap, now me wee lad, get me toddy before these greasy donkey-eaters pull me apart. Also, get me the January issue of Bike magazine!" He's my new hero.
So, like an evening watching BBC's Sport Personality of the Year, I finished the testing unfulfilled. The highlight was watching Dani fly around the track and him beat everyone. Some people slag him off, that's just cause they don't know him like I think I know him. He's perfect.
Then, I was on my way home, and some American, Harvey Ballstein or something, called me. He's just offered me a full-time AMA Supersport ride. I'm off to America! Then, the next call I got was from Jamie Ellison. He said to me that he's got a ride in America, and that we could both go together on the same plane. I won't sit next to him. Loser.
How exciting is this? I can't wait till I get to The States. Perhaps I'll get a room to myself! I'll let you know how I get on….
<div align='center'>
<div align='center'>
LINK
Do you think Chaz was being a little sarcastic? Or is there some bad blood between him and Hayden?
