Darrell ‘Dazza/Macca/Mac the Champ’ McIntyre tells you Ten Things about...
... Estoril, Portugal, 2009.
10. Colin Edwards.
He’s a great bloke, is Colin, and half Aussie to boot—which makes up for the half Texan part. I sprayed beer all over me tele, listening to him talk about his podium at Donington earlier this year. But for a funny guy he sure does talk a lot of ..... ‘I coulda won that one.’ ‘I shoulda won that one.’ ‘I’m not a guy who’s happy to finish fifth.’ Mate, hate to break the news to you, but fifth place is where it’s at for you: fifth on the grid for the race, fifth on every lap, finishing fifth—and practically fifth in the championship standings. Crickey, if you don’t like fifth, maybe you should stick another number on ya bike! (Or perhaps, Dovi’ll see to that for you by the end of the year, heh heh.)
9. Suzuki
It was hard being back in the Grand Prix paddock, but not with Suzuki. A couple of times I thought about dropping by for a chat with some of the guys, like Stuey, my old crew chief [ed. Stuart Shenton, who’s currently working with Loris Capirossi], but thought better of it since I was sure to run into that arsehole, Denning (his restraining orders on me have lapsed, so it’s all good there, but he’s still a smug prick with no reason to be). One plus to not riding for Suzuki at the moment: I don’t have to ride in them gay blue leathers. Another plus: I don’t have to ride a bike that’s ...... Vermeulen’s a guy I have a lot of time for (even if his tongue was wedged a bit too firmly up Barry Sheene’s arsehole for my liking), and to see him running around in tenth place... it’s not right. But you know the ’zooks must really suck when a guy like that turns down a ride with them for 2010 to go with Kawa-.......-nowhere-saki in WSBK! As for sneaky little Loris, the old coot still keeps doing just enough to stay in MotoGP; he knows how to shadow a fast guy in qualifying to get a good grid slot, and how to ‘break’ his bike when a .... result is on the cards. MotoGP needs more of these ‘dodgy’ Europeans on the grid, in the old Angel Nieto and Juan Martinez mode—when guys like that are on track I don’t feel so bad (or look so bad, heh heh) overtaking Rossi or Elias style!
8. Nicky Hayden and Alex de Angelis
So, apparently, these two have a ‘history’; I haven’t seen what happened at Misano, but Edwards was talking about it the other day, saying that it was actually Valentino who kicked off the whole thing on that occasion (panicky 250 kids, sheesh!). But as for the latest one during qualifying, I was right there on track when it happened, about 20 metres back from de Angelis. Hayden pulled out from behind Talma the Hungarian Road Block at the last minute, but de Angelis was a bit slow to react and gave Nicky a little ‘love tap’ as a consequence, heh heh. Pffft, a storm in a tea cup, really, although the way Hayden was carrying on afterwards you’d think that de Angelis had shot his dog, cut the head off the corpse and smacked him on the arse with it. Actually, Nicky does tend to throw the toys out the pram a bit when things don’t go his way on track... Estoril 2006, Shanghai 2007, Laguna Seca 2007, Philip Island 2007, Motegi 2009, and Misano last month. That’s a lot of screaming fits. I haven’t had the chance to speak with Nicky since my comeback, but when I do, I’ll tell him straight up: “Mate, just calm the .... down a bit” I mean, it’s not like he was going to win any of those races I mentioned above, and he wasn’t going to end up on the front row for Estoril, either. Some guys are wound a little tight, I guess. And I think people should cut Alex ‘it’s-a-.......-peace-symbol-on-me-helmet-orright-I’ve-had-more-chicks-than-Rossi-and-Uccio-combined!’ de Angelis some slack, instead of always sticking the boot in. Hell, maybe we should try and get him a Nobel Prize for Peace... seems like they’re giving them to just about anyone, and you don’t really have to do anything to get one, either.
7. Andrea Dovizioso and Toni Elias
I’ve seen guys like these before; some riders do worse with a factory bike than when they were battling with lesser equipment, and some guys only seem to be able to ride for their next contract (as opposed to riding for their current one like they’re supposed to!). Dovi won a race in the rain at Donington, but, hey, so did Capirossi at Motegi in 2007, and Vermeulen at Le Mans in 2006. They’re nothing special; even Eddie-.......-Lawson did it for Cagiva in Hungary one time. Andrea’s always miles behind his team mate, can’t qualify for ...., and gets beaten far too much by satellite bikes. Clearly all that’s Pete Benson’s fault; he’ll have to go. Funny thing, though: Dovi’s gone ‘head to head’ with Rossi twice since he’s been in MotoGP, and ‘won’ both of them (Qatar 2008, Donington 2009). As for Elias, someone ought to sign him up on a race by race contract: if he doesn’t finish in the top ten, he’s got one more race—and if he doesn’t finish in the top ten of that one he’s gone. Maybe we’d see more of Toni circa Estoril 2006 and less of Toni circa Valencia 2008 that way...
6. Valentino Rossi.
First time I met Rossi was back in the late 1990s; I think he was still riding in the 125s. I was having a piss in a toilet block when this slight, young thing with long blonde hair that curled into a bob came to stand at a urinal next to me. Now, I’m not one for checking out others, or having conversations while pointing Percy at the porcelain, but as I zipped up I couldn’t help saying, ‘Little girl, while it’d be impressive to see you take a piss standing up, I think you’re better off in the girls’ dunny.’ Imagine my surprise to find out it was a guy, and it was Rossi (he’d won a race or two by then, so I knew the name). He still looked confused, after introducing himself, finally saying, ‘What is dunny?’ I told my crew the story afterwards, we had a big laugh, and it got around, as stories always do, and, yeah, since then we’ve never really been friends. But you can’t take anything away from his record (even if I, and some of the other golden-age riders, like Rainey, Schwantzy, and even Eddie-.......-Lawson, would shake our heads having watched Biaggi, Barros, Gibbers or whoever hand Rossi race win after race win, and championship after championship, and wonder when a decent rider would give him a run for his money).
So it was something of a surprise to see him finish the race at Estoril off the podium. These 800s are tricky buggers to set up, and it can happen to the best of us. I saw him in the hotel lobby after the race, gave him a pat on the shoulder and said, ‘It’ll be different at Philip Island—’ But he interrupted me, before I could finish, muttering, ‘No autograph now,’ and stalked away. ‘It’ll be different at Philip Island,’ I repeated, raising my voice to make sure he’d hear, ‘Ducatis’ll kick your arse!’
5. Dani Pedrosa
I was relaxing out front of my motorhome on Friday morning, when this little boy all dressed up in Repsol leathers came up with his dad. I thought it was cute, a young Pedrosa fan showing his dedication. Then the dad spoke up, and I realised it was Alby Puig—which meant the Pedrosa fan actually was Pedrosa! Fark! He’s bloody tiny; he oughta be a jockey. Dani didn’t hang around long after introductions, but he wished me good luck, and said it was great that I was back racing, then, after Alby nodded, he left to wait for Alby in his motorhome. Now, I know that Puig isn’t most popular guy in Grand Prix racing, but I’ve always gotten on great with him. He was often my wingman/translator when we’d go out to bars and clubs after the races in the 1990s, and let me tell you, he can drink like a fish! Never seemed too fussed that I always got the hot chick, either. Obviously, after his horrific career-ending accident, I had to find a new wingman/translator, but we kept in touch and I visited a couple of times while he was rehabilitating, talking about whatever crazy dance club I’d been to the night before, which I could tell was a real boost to his spirits. Alby’s certainly managed to carve out a nice post-racing career nurturing new talent onto the GP stage, something I’d briefly considered myself, before realising I didn’t want to hang around moody, pimply, squeaky-voiced teenage boys all the time.
Anyways, his boy, Pedrosa, had a good race. He’s a rocket off the line, and he led the race briefly, but didn’t seem to have the package to challenge for the win. Still, 3rd place is alright for a little guy, I reckon. When he grows up, I’m sure he’ll be a top talent.
4. Casey Stoner.
You know, this round being Casey’s comeback as well, kinda took a little of the shine (and press attention) off of my own. But I’m okay with that. It’s cool. I didn’t want a fuss made about me anyway, and like everyone else, I was happy to see the little Aussie battler back out there. A lot of ....’s been written about Stoner’s health and physical condition and diet, and so on. No one seemed to find fault with any of that when he was kicking arse in 2007 and 2008. But for us top sportsmen it’s always that way; armchair snipers write a lot of bollocks about ..... like ‘core strength’ (whatever the .... that is)—sounds like those critics have all their ‘core strength’ in their wrists, if you know what I mean, heh heh. Don’t get me wrong, Casey ain’t perfect. He had a good race weekend, and finished strong in 2nd place, but there was no call to go shooting his mouth off about Kevin Schwantz. I mean, come on, he’s lost respect for Kevin? Schwantzy is one of the greats, and a good mate of mine; we did a lot of testing together, and several Suzuka 8 Hours (‘Team Good Times,’ we were called—those races were bloody hard yakka, but the parties afterward were good times; Schwantzy always went wild after those races, probably because they were one of the few race meetings when he left his mum and dad at home!). I doubt the F.I.M. will retire #27 after Stoner’s hung up his leathers. You don’t go giving a legend the finger, via the world press. But then, I don’t think Casey ever stops to think before he opens his trap, more’s the pity.
3. Jorge Lorenzo
This guy’s a real character. A bit like Rossi, I reckon. And just like with Rossi, either you love all the antics and ego that goes with him, or you hate it. ‘Walking on the Moon’ or standing in a porta-loo by yourself for 30 seconds... whatever floats your boat, I say. Lorenzo sure was on another planet this weekend, though, and a ....... fast one at that. His runaway win certainly brought the championship to life again. One thing that hasn’t changed in my time away is all the sniping in the press and mind games that the riders like to play. I used to love it—in a press conference at Philip Island one time, I remember asking Junior how it was possible with Kenny for a father that he could be the ugliest one in the family. Barry Sheene just about collapsed, he was laughing so hard; mind you, Junior had a great comeback: Have you ever met my brother, Kurtis? Sometimes, though, you can trip over yourself trying to be too clever. Take Rossi this year: When Lorenzo was bleating about not having equal parts or a say in development, Rossi was all: Dude, I’m the #1; I get the new stuff first. But now (after Yamaha have said they will be equal in that department next year), Vale and JB are all: Man, we’re developing for other guy; he just has to turn up and ride.
2. My race
Of course, I’m sure what you’re all most interested in is what happened in my race, my comeback, my weekend. First, let me talk about my motorhome. It’s awesome! I managed to find the exact shade of sea green that I’ve always wanted, and it matches with the huge VB stubby mural splashed across one side. It’s got all the mod cons, and enough room to host a rockin’ party. There’s even a special space just inside the door where the race queens can leave their umbrellas and hang up their high heels, heh heh. Friday and Saturday nights were so good I never made it back to the hotel—having Victoria Bitter as sponsor means I’ll never run out of beer, either!
On track, I’ll be the first admit things didn’t exactly go to plan. As I said, setting up these 800s is a tricky business. When I was last racing we used computers for a bit of engine management, and a lot of .... downloading. Now there are more guys in the garage with PCs than with spanners. We were chasing our tails with setup all weekend long (heh, I sound like Colin ‘the excuse machine’ Edwards!). Qualifying felt strange without, you know, actual qualifying tyres, and I was lucky not to end up last on the grid (Talma the Hungarian Road Block spared me that embarrassment). We found something in Sunday warm-up, and I started to feel confident for the race. It was great being back on the starting grid; I wasn’t nervous, just excited. I got a great start, tipping it into turn one just behind the leading group. On turn two the engine went bang, and that was my race. Given Rossi’s well-documented problems I reckon I could’ve finished fourth. It will be different at Philip Island!
1. The Championship
Twelve points is a fair chunk to be taking out of someone’s points lead this late in the season—especially when the gap is now only eighteen. Still I think it would take another Rossi DNF for Lorenzo to win the title. Next up is Philip Island, where Rossi’s always gone well. Sepang is another Rossi favourite (because he wins there, not because the weather is nice, or the track exciting). That leaves Valencia as Lorenzo’s best shot for another win, on paper. But you never know, Stoner and Pedrosa could end up deciding the championship, and you can bet I’ll be trying my hardest to force my way to the front as well! Until next time, don’t forget: drink up!
