A Top Ten Guide to Brno, Czech Republic, 2008.
10. Colin Edwards. The ‘Texan Deflation’ was not a happy camper from the moment the first wheel was turned in practice. Possibly something to do with tyres, I believe. In the pits before the race and on the starting grid we saw lots of grimaces and theatrical rolling of the eyes, because 15th on the grid (and an eventual 14th place finish in the race) is so incredibly embarrassing for a mid-pack hack. But look on the bright side, Wally, because you were off the pace in practice and qualifying (starting 4 seconds back from noted wet weather genius, Toni Elias) at least there was no disappointing slide down the order during the race itself.
9. Dani Pedrosa. If we turned the clock back to July 12, who could have predicted that Pedrosa would score just a solitary point from the next three races? Sure, plenty of people might have wished for it—but no one would have expected such a result. His piss-poor 15th place on Sunday (barely finishing ahead of Randy de Gravel Rash), and his half-arsed effort in post-race testing have people in some quarters questioning his heart, integrity, work ethic and cod-piece size. But let me tell you, Pedrosa is going through a serious medical condition right now: erectile disfunction is no laughing matter, especially not when the boy (er, man-child) in question has yet to hit puberty. Not being able to point Percy skyward can’t do much for a rider’s confidence, and it’s clear to me that Pedders doesn’t need better tyres to improve his performance, he needs Viagra. If Dani sees blue at Misano next time out he could take the race by storm, and perhaps remind the world of that old saying: short jockeys carry long whips.
8. Kawasaki. Team Snot was the only manufacturer to have two bikes qualify in the top six, and—even more remarkably—both bikes managed to hold those positions for a big chunk of the race. Westy finished in 5th place, and smiled for the first time since Assen, 2003, and, while Hop-along Hopper faded at the very end to a disappointing 11th (still not 100% after injuring himself for the 723rd time in his career back in Assen), Kawasaki have transformed their bikes from ..... into... average. The reason behind the dramatic increase in performance is an amazing story, and one I can now reveal, in a Powerslide.net exclusive: I spoke with Ichiro Matsui, the Head Janitor at the Autopolis International Racing Course in Oita-ken, Japan. He was there, tidying up at the back of the pits, on the fateful day when Melandri held his ultra top secret test during the mid-summer break for Kawasaki. As Ichiro tells it, initially, neither side was impressed with the other: Marco thought he might be red/green colourblind, and the Kawasaki people wondered why they were thinking of hiring a guy that slow when they already had West (and Jacque still waiting in the wings). Then, Marco asked them to shorten the clutch and brake levers by 1cm. Eureka! doesn’t even begin to cover the magnitude of the transformation. On his subsequent out-lap, Melandri broke Jamie Hacking’s three week old track record. Kawasaki made the same modifications to their bikes at Brno, and the rest, thanks to Marco, is history.
7. Michelin. What can be learned from statistics? (Well, apart from anything that the presenter of the argument chooses to highlight?) How about the fact that Michelin’s improved, competitive showing in 2008 is either nothing of the kind, or that they were competitive in 2007. Fact: After 12 rounds in 2007, Bridgestone runners had won 8 of 12 races, Michelin runners 4 of 12. Fact: After 12 rounds in 2008, Bridgestone runners have won 9 of 12 races, Michelin runners 3 of 12. If not for Pedrosa’s passionate embrace with an air fence at Sachsenring last month, the statistics might have been identical. Fact: Bridgestone runners have 2 more podiums than this time last year (22/36), and Michelin runners 2 less (14/36). Fact: Bridgestone are supplying tyres to one more factory bike in 2008 and Michelin to one less. When you consider that the Michelin runners (a slow American, a crash-prone de ....., a satellite bike rookie, a satellite bike race-day turtle, a factory bike rookie, and a factory bike championship contender) are up against a horde of Bridgestone runners (outnumbered 2:1), the numbers are actually statistically encouraging. So, maybe Laguna Seca and Brno weren’t so much ‘cover-your-eyes-awful,’ but more like ‘move along, now, nothing to see, here.’
6. Marco Melandri and Nicky Hayden. These guys have been crap for two years, and yet both appear to be signed up for factory rides in 2009. How does that work? Yeah, yeah, I know, past history, blah, blah, blah. But if that’s the criteria, bring back Barros. The Brazilian legend (in his own lunchtime) has almost as many race wins as these two guys combined. Put him on one of those bikes, and he’d have an equally good chance to have a disappointing season as those two. The fact that Melandri finished 7th on a day where Bridgestone dominated, and a satellite Ducati made the podium, has people wetting their pants (he also made up 4 positions on the last 3 laps) is nothing but another damning reminder of Marco’s annis horribilis. And why does Hayden get a free pass for getting himself foolishly injured during the mid-summer break? Sure, his defence of the no.8 plate was all but a foregone conclusion anyway, so why not have some fun in a Supermotard race—but how about showing a bit of respect to your employer!
5. Shinya Nakano. What a difference a factory bike can make: Mr. Perennial P9, P10 brought home his Bridgestone-shod, spring valve-engined Honda in 4th place. Watching him in the rarified atmosphere of the top 5 was reminiscent of those once or twice yearly performances from Colin Edwards. And, given his lap times from mid-race onwards, Nakano had the pace to have finished on the podium, if only he hadn’t blown the start. Spring-valve + Bridgestone – fat American must just = a winning formula. No wonder Pedrosa was so sour the whole weekend long, pondering (not for the first time) why HRC wouldn’t split the Repsol Honda pits just as Fiat Yamaha did—after all, if HRC are doing everything possible to shaft Hayden and ensure he fails, why not give Bridgestones to the rider who ‘deserves them most’?
4. Casey Stoner. If they awarded points for dominating practice and taking pole in a cakewalk Stoner would be leading the championship by a country mile. To that you can add: if they awarded points for annihilating the lap record in testing following the race, Stoner would be awarded the championship by default, and races themselves would have no meaning. But to finish first, first you must not flush your championship chances down the toilet with a stupid crash. After the race at Sachsenring, Casey mentioned how difficult that race had been, with dozens of ‘little loses’ that he was lucky to recover each time. Well, I guess we know now what it looks like when he has a ‘little lose’ that he can’t recover from. Fifty points in six rounds is a tough ask, but Stoner does have Vale’s annual gravel-kissing ceremony at Valencia to look forward to. But even that might not win him the championship, so he should concentrate on racking up more race wins than Rossi for 2008; then all those Rossi fans who were carping on back in 2006 about how the number of race wins determines the ‘real champion’ will comfortably be able to acknowledge Stoner’s superiority.
3. Toni Elias. ‘Something inside’ Elias told him that he could get a good result at Brno. No ...., Toni, it’s contract time. Fear can be a powerful motivator. Despite stalling the bike on the warm-up lap and starting from 13th on the grid, Elias powered through the field to take second, ‘only’ 15 seconds down on the race winner. It was a riding lesson of the type not seen since Rossi’s performance at Catalunya earlier in the season. And, judging by the post-Brno rumour mill, it looks like someone will be fooled into signing Elias up again, keeping him in MotoGP for another year. Toni’s apparently already ruled out riding alongside Nitro Nori for Yamaha in WSBK (imagine the hammering he’d give to the Pirellis), because, unless he stays in MotoGP with Pedrosa, Elias would be the smallest rider on the grid and thus become a target for all those cruel Spanish Dwarf jokes.
2. Valentino Rossi. Win number 5 for the season was achieved with monotonous ease, as Rossi moved to put one hand on the championship cup. After Rossi’s modest start, which included taking half a lap to deal with Hopkins, Stoner had carved out a one second gap that proceeded to fluctuate a few tenths in either direction until lap 6 when Stoner went down for the count, leaving Rossi to cruise to victory. Some guys have all the luck, I mean, c’mon! ...how many riders have a pregnant brolly dolly, whose belly they can fondle on the starting grid? The whole Rossi-was-catching-but-Stoner-said-he-could-do-1:56s debate really doesn’t matter. Rossi was very confident of his pace in the post-race press conference, and Stoner actually managed 1:55s in post-race testing, so the only losers in this little game of ‘I was/could’ve been faster’ happened to be us, the viewers.
1. Alberto Puig. The evil Pig-man as a populist revolutionary? Truth is stranger than fiction. But on Sunday, moments before the race, Alberto was rushing from Michelin-shod pit-box to Michelin-shod pit-box trying to organise an Indianapolis F1-style race boycott by all the Michelin runners. That it failed so spectacularly is in no way a reflection on his popularity and standing within the GP paddock community. Although, given the performance of Pedrosa and Edwards (it’s hard to tell on recent form with James Ellison... er, I mean, Toseland), it does appear he managed to coordinate a half-hearted race effort. Perhaps he’ll turn up at Misano in army fatigues, sporting a Che Guevara beret and three-day growth?
