KR gets a motor maker!
http://www.superbikeplanet.com/2005/Aug/050823a.htm
Satire By Ohlin: Team Roberts Embrace BS
and with bs, we mean briggs & stratton
by ohlin metzler
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
CONTACT: The Lawnmower Man (800) CUT-THIS
CRANKPIN, WISCONSIN (VPI) Ah, the fortunes of genius-icons are amazing to watch, especially when they hit life's chicanes. King Kenny Roberts is a great example of a legend that has had to fight many weird bits of business voodoo to stay afloat, unlike the days when he just used to jump on a motorcycle and beat everybody like a rented mule. Back when he ran a Yamaha team and had Wayne Rainey in his stable, all was pretty much sweetness and light when it came to having GP bikes with motors in them (a necessary requirement for a getting a good start).
But once Roberts went all Wildcat on us by creating his own team and motorsickle to race with, the road to winning got all curvy and stuff. He's had a bunch of different bits and pieces in the engine room over the years, and it looked like KTM was going to build him a badass motor this year.
But nooooooooo.
Here's what has happened so far, sort of. When Roberts left Yamaha and created his new Teams Roberts based in a land where the rain is cold and the beer warm, he decided to cobble together his own moto including the motor itsownself. It was a three cylinder V, or W, or L, or some damn thing. Cool,though, and gutsy. Little dude in a little shop, taking on the Big Boys with their massive R&D departments and hi-tech pencil sets. Roberts had a small contingent of incredibly talented Ooopah Loompah engineers, who built the engine and everything else. A fly on the wall (with a Cockney accent of course) told me they used to sing this song:
Ooompah Loompah Doobadee-Doo,
We have a Lovely Two-Stroke for You.
It will have the Power to Pass,
Show-ing the Fac-tories the crack of Your ....
There's more, but a flattened the fly with my fist. I hate singing insects, man. No, really. Especially cicadas.
Don't get me started on those .......s.
Anyways, Roberts actually saw his K3 beast on pole towards the end of the Two-Stroke era, which is amazing when you think about it. But avoid thinking about it too much, because we live in age where thinking is frowned upon. Just move along, mentally. Nothing to see here.
As rules changed the motor did too, of course. This smoky 3 begot a kickass smokeless V5, a Four-Stroke of the team's making. I say kickass, but it wasn't really getting it done. At all. Sucked, I think the pit boys say. So for the year 2005, Roberts struck a deal with KTM to build him a V4 Four Stoker, and here's where things get more Grimm and even less Fairy Tale.
As you know, the Roberts Team (known as Team Roberts) has not been winning this year. And now KTM has pulled out, leaving the team in the lurch a bit. A lot more than a bit, to be honest. This is a Bigtime Lurch-Leaving, even bigger than the Adam's family's trusted butler departing the Estate with a rocket belt. You dig, Hombre?
There are lessons here:
A) Always build your own motor, if you're Kenny
Always have an odd number of cylinders, if you're Kenny
C) If you break rule
, there will be Bigtime Lurch-Leaving.
D) Oh, and do you honestly think that if you screw around Don Vito Roberts you ain't gonna find a T. Rex head in your bed one day?
Sheesh.
So what's a King to do?
Being a man of his county, a patriot if you will, you look to your homeland for motorage. That's what you do, if you're Kenny.
And how do I know he did this? Oh, we have sources. Lots of 'em, in fact. This is Soup, and here you will find a steaming cauldron that has many, many ingredients and spices and stuff. And our top-secret part-time operative and automotive claims adjuster Morf Kenford has been poking and prodding, you know, the way he does.
And he has Found Something.
Here's the deal: Kenny Roberts has indeed come home for Motivation. In this case, he has a famous US engine builder banging gaily away in the shop, making his new MotoGP masterpiece. And when you see the new bike, you'll know what I'm talking about. This is a ride powered by pure, Grade "A" Made in the U.S.A. BS. I mean, this engine is, like no other engine in racing, total and complete BS from the oil pan to the spark plugs.
BS, man. You know. Briggs and Stratton.
"The choice of Briggs is brilliant, really," explained our man Morf from an auto body shop somewhere in Middle America. "These guys make lightweight, reliable Four-Strokes and the things just run and run with a minimum of care. They can whip together a V4, V5, or Big-... single with an Industrial Air Filter with Pre-Cleaner, no problem. They can even put the Roberts logo that air cleaner for a modest fee, man. A very modest fee. It will be one bitchin' mill, and (chuckles) mow down the competition. Sorry. I had to say that."
I'm sorry, too. I'm sorry I had to fire his ..., and put a T.Rex head in his camper bunk for that comment. But hey, we have our standards. No, really.
We Do.
And so does King Kenny, and his new GP sensation that sounds like the gardener's favorite tool may just be the thing that will git Er Done, as those that favor American made BS in all its glory are known to say. And hey, this hot new mill won't even need that damn Pit Starter, for young Shane Byrne can pull the starter rope himself or have Kenny do it (which would be kind of classy).
Imagine that. Gettin' a tug from the Boss before you lay waste to the competition.
We are truly entering a brave new era. Before, a Briggs and Stratton engine would just be used to start the damn V5, or possible power the mechanics' blender. Now, it has the whole team's success riding on its inexpensive little lawn care technology. Shoot, it just might bring victory, too.
Hey, think I'm kidding?
Ha. Go to
www.briggsracing.com and see for yourself. The company has been preparing for this, and soon they will no longer be known for Pit Starters but the makers of Kenny's Rototiller from hell.
Plow on, my Liege.
