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MotoGP race review, Sepang
Rossi wins and we have but one to go
(20/10/2008)
If this Malaysia place is so very high tech like everyone keeps telling me then why can't they run their race at a sensible hour? And before one of Yang di-Pertuan Agong's minions chirps up about timezones or lunar bicycles let me remind you all that we're living in the age of microchips, wireless technology and instant gravy. Timezones may have been a reasonable excuse back in the days when Shakespeare's son Christopher Columbus sailed his steamboat to plant the first ever potato and invent America guided only by the sound of the Northern Lights - but this is now - and I, for one, had to get up at the crack of sparrows to watch this race. Greenwich Mean Time anyone? +00.00hours?
We can all overlook the Aussie's having daft timings. As their haircut's suggest they're not long out of the trees and like to do everything upside down - but Malaysia? What's their excuse? Too much coconut husk if you ask me.
Onto the race and the MotoGP of Malaysia will easily go down in history as the second best event of the season. The best one being next week when this sorry year's finally over.
The conspiracy theory is, using the principles of Occam's razor, that by often pairing James Toseland and Dani Pedrosa so close together the famed cytoplasm attacking 'boredom virus' managed to mutate and then spread slowly and uninterestingly around the paddock like a batch of unobtrusive kelp. Eventually all have become consumed turning our once 'blue ribbon' event into the 'brown stained rag' that it sadly is today.
The other theory is, however, that the 800cc Honda rule is utterly crap and has taken all the fun out of the sport and buried it in Masumi Hamaneback's bamboo garden with a sack of posies. You chose.
The race ruining 800cc rules were decided by Honda back in 2006 to assist Dani Pedrosa win the 2007 world title.
The evil HRC had grown little Dani in test tube…but sadly left the cork in the top a touch too long whilst out on a karaoke night. So as the HRC staff belted out 'Moon Wiver' poor Dani was getting tight on space.
The result was a superb rider the size of a chipped pinhead with a flat, expressionless 'pushed up to the glass' face. Technology rocks…and still Malaysia can't sort their timing out. Did I tell you it was dark when I left bed? Even the owls were sleeping.
Anyway, by producing a rulebook that forced teams to produce monkey bikes it meant that the Spaniard was able to touch the floor with one leg without a stack of phonebooks. Furthermore Thumbelina's dreary 'wheels in, excitement out' technique could be capitalised on.
But it wasn't to be. Despite having better odds in his favour than the Harvard Globetrotters gambling ring Dani still managed to lose the 2007 title to Casey 'a very modest fanclub' Stoner.
It then became obvious that Pedrosa, despite HRC's best efforts in micro-organic technology, was wired up wrong. Worse than my Monster M600. Honda, in the style of their own people, had created Pedro's noodle to not respond to emotion meaning that, in theory at least, he could look directly at Alberto Puig's 'hair' and not laugh.
But laughing wasn't to be Dani's problem. After a long night listening once again to Alberto's monotone rendition of the time he levelled the field at San Marino Dani broke his programming and the misery emotion was created.
Imagine a world where your only emotion was utter misery. Imagine waking up each morning after a dismal night's sleep to be greeted by an overcast day you that know will be packed full of disappointment and despondency. Imagine knowing that you're the least popular globule of spewtom floating in the spittoon of life. Easy if you're Scottish I suppose but Pedrosa isn't - he's just sad.
Losing the 2007 title only increased Thumbina's ratchet depression. But 2008, and the heartache it's forced on us all, has left the Spaniard needing a 24 hours minder and is banned from buying rope in all European countries. What he needed in Malaysia was a tidy, lights-to-flag win - and thankfully he didn't get it.
It all started well for Pedrosa. He qualified fastest and, because of negative drag factors, comfortably led the way into turn one - the Spaniard was jumping the fence, hacking off the cuffs and heading deep into 'content country'.
The sheriff was on his tail though and this sheriff, like so many others, secretly enjoyed dressing up in women's clothes. It was, you'll have guessed, the unstoppable Rossi and Pedrosa's short lived de-frown was about to be re-farrowed.
It was all as predictable as Uccio is a fat waster. Champion Rossi stalked the venerable Pedrosa (retracing Alberto's steps) and then made his single decisive move (again retracing the technique of Alberto).
No one ever expected a fight back from Pedrosa. And that's exactly what we got - no fight back. Instead the SSRIs' were remotely pumped in and the race for the lead given up on handing yet another MotoGP victory for Rossi.
Perfect again. Race win and upsetting Dani.
But as the two headed off into the distance we were left pondering the fait of Casey Stoner. After entangling his problematic wazzledanger in the tyre warmer in what the Ducati team described afterwards as a 'totally innocent incident' the ex-champion found himself out of sorts and qualifying way down in twelfth position. But we know Casey. We know he's very fast and sulks a lot when he's not winning - a recipe for a charge to the front if ever we heard one. Except this is 2008. A season where gusting foliage or the smell of freshly cut grass can prove the highlight of any race.
Casey never made it to the front. Instead he found himself in a tight pack chasing for the final rostrum position. The pack was led by the new born crybaby on the scene Dovizioso and chased by Hayden, Stoner, Nakano and possibly a few other mid-field chumps that have been washed from my mind by the dishwater of time.
As Dozi was out front Hayden, not spurred on by the fact it wasn't Pedrosa in front of him, was showing less signs of making a move than KRJR after a hearty meal. Meanwhile Stoner was suffering from a poorly hand (not from a 'conversation' with his wife like most Aussie men) and was looking understandably uncomfortable. Finally, and after a career talk with Toni Elias, Shinners Nakano was having a really strong ride but still never looked likely to overtake anyone ever.
So a high speed stalemate? Maybe not…as I on purposely omitted one rider. One rider who's very puggled face can cause sloths to go on the rampage and milk to solidify. One rider who loves to fight with anyone…including himself when left alone for over an hour. One rider who is nothing short of the savoir of MotoGP -Lunatic Lorenzo!
Surely we could count on the Spaniard's solid gold nuggets to mix things up in his usual second half attack? Well no. He fell off. And he didn't even break a bone this time.
The only real excitement was to come from farmboy Nicky 'the fattest nation' Hayden attacking his successor Dovizioso in the final laps. It was quite good. But worth me writing about? Not really - I've done enough.
So that's it. There's now not long left to try to pretend we're all still interested. This stillborn season has really tested our mental powers of the millions of months it's seemingly been lasting…but we're entering the final corner folks and with rookie of the year and second place up for grabs there's a couple of possible overtaking manoeuvres on the horizon. I'm almost looking forward to the next race…
MotoGP race review, Sepang
Rossi wins and we have but one to go
(20/10/2008)
If this Malaysia place is so very high tech like everyone keeps telling me then why can't they run their race at a sensible hour? And before one of Yang di-Pertuan Agong's minions chirps up about timezones or lunar bicycles let me remind you all that we're living in the age of microchips, wireless technology and instant gravy. Timezones may have been a reasonable excuse back in the days when Shakespeare's son Christopher Columbus sailed his steamboat to plant the first ever potato and invent America guided only by the sound of the Northern Lights - but this is now - and I, for one, had to get up at the crack of sparrows to watch this race. Greenwich Mean Time anyone? +00.00hours?
We can all overlook the Aussie's having daft timings. As their haircut's suggest they're not long out of the trees and like to do everything upside down - but Malaysia? What's their excuse? Too much coconut husk if you ask me.
Onto the race and the MotoGP of Malaysia will easily go down in history as the second best event of the season. The best one being next week when this sorry year's finally over.
The conspiracy theory is, using the principles of Occam's razor, that by often pairing James Toseland and Dani Pedrosa so close together the famed cytoplasm attacking 'boredom virus' managed to mutate and then spread slowly and uninterestingly around the paddock like a batch of unobtrusive kelp. Eventually all have become consumed turning our once 'blue ribbon' event into the 'brown stained rag' that it sadly is today.
The other theory is, however, that the 800cc Honda rule is utterly crap and has taken all the fun out of the sport and buried it in Masumi Hamaneback's bamboo garden with a sack of posies. You chose.
The race ruining 800cc rules were decided by Honda back in 2006 to assist Dani Pedrosa win the 2007 world title.
The evil HRC had grown little Dani in test tube…but sadly left the cork in the top a touch too long whilst out on a karaoke night. So as the HRC staff belted out 'Moon Wiver' poor Dani was getting tight on space.
The result was a superb rider the size of a chipped pinhead with a flat, expressionless 'pushed up to the glass' face. Technology rocks…and still Malaysia can't sort their timing out. Did I tell you it was dark when I left bed? Even the owls were sleeping.
Anyway, by producing a rulebook that forced teams to produce monkey bikes it meant that the Spaniard was able to touch the floor with one leg without a stack of phonebooks. Furthermore Thumbelina's dreary 'wheels in, excitement out' technique could be capitalised on.
But it wasn't to be. Despite having better odds in his favour than the Harvard Globetrotters gambling ring Dani still managed to lose the 2007 title to Casey 'a very modest fanclub' Stoner.
It then became obvious that Pedrosa, despite HRC's best efforts in micro-organic technology, was wired up wrong. Worse than my Monster M600. Honda, in the style of their own people, had created Pedro's noodle to not respond to emotion meaning that, in theory at least, he could look directly at Alberto Puig's 'hair' and not laugh.
But laughing wasn't to be Dani's problem. After a long night listening once again to Alberto's monotone rendition of the time he levelled the field at San Marino Dani broke his programming and the misery emotion was created.
Imagine a world where your only emotion was utter misery. Imagine waking up each morning after a dismal night's sleep to be greeted by an overcast day you that know will be packed full of disappointment and despondency. Imagine knowing that you're the least popular globule of spewtom floating in the spittoon of life. Easy if you're Scottish I suppose but Pedrosa isn't - he's just sad.
Losing the 2007 title only increased Thumbina's ratchet depression. But 2008, and the heartache it's forced on us all, has left the Spaniard needing a 24 hours minder and is banned from buying rope in all European countries. What he needed in Malaysia was a tidy, lights-to-flag win - and thankfully he didn't get it.
It all started well for Pedrosa. He qualified fastest and, because of negative drag factors, comfortably led the way into turn one - the Spaniard was jumping the fence, hacking off the cuffs and heading deep into 'content country'.
The sheriff was on his tail though and this sheriff, like so many others, secretly enjoyed dressing up in women's clothes. It was, you'll have guessed, the unstoppable Rossi and Pedrosa's short lived de-frown was about to be re-farrowed.
It was all as predictable as Uccio is a fat waster. Champion Rossi stalked the venerable Pedrosa (retracing Alberto's steps) and then made his single decisive move (again retracing the technique of Alberto).
No one ever expected a fight back from Pedrosa. And that's exactly what we got - no fight back. Instead the SSRIs' were remotely pumped in and the race for the lead given up on handing yet another MotoGP victory for Rossi.
Perfect again. Race win and upsetting Dani.
But as the two headed off into the distance we were left pondering the fait of Casey Stoner. After entangling his problematic wazzledanger in the tyre warmer in what the Ducati team described afterwards as a 'totally innocent incident' the ex-champion found himself out of sorts and qualifying way down in twelfth position. But we know Casey. We know he's very fast and sulks a lot when he's not winning - a recipe for a charge to the front if ever we heard one. Except this is 2008. A season where gusting foliage or the smell of freshly cut grass can prove the highlight of any race.
Casey never made it to the front. Instead he found himself in a tight pack chasing for the final rostrum position. The pack was led by the new born crybaby on the scene Dovizioso and chased by Hayden, Stoner, Nakano and possibly a few other mid-field chumps that have been washed from my mind by the dishwater of time.
As Dozi was out front Hayden, not spurred on by the fact it wasn't Pedrosa in front of him, was showing less signs of making a move than KRJR after a hearty meal. Meanwhile Stoner was suffering from a poorly hand (not from a 'conversation' with his wife like most Aussie men) and was looking understandably uncomfortable. Finally, and after a career talk with Toni Elias, Shinners Nakano was having a really strong ride but still never looked likely to overtake anyone ever.
So a high speed stalemate? Maybe not…as I on purposely omitted one rider. One rider who's very puggled face can cause sloths to go on the rampage and milk to solidify. One rider who loves to fight with anyone…including himself when left alone for over an hour. One rider who is nothing short of the savoir of MotoGP -Lunatic Lorenzo!
Surely we could count on the Spaniard's solid gold nuggets to mix things up in his usual second half attack? Well no. He fell off. And he didn't even break a bone this time.
The only real excitement was to come from farmboy Nicky 'the fattest nation' Hayden attacking his successor Dovizioso in the final laps. It was quite good. But worth me writing about? Not really - I've done enough.
So that's it. There's now not long left to try to pretend we're all still interested. This stillborn season has really tested our mental powers of the millions of months it's seemingly been lasting…but we're entering the final corner folks and with rookie of the year and second place up for grabs there's a couple of possible overtaking manoeuvres on the horizon. I'm almost looking forward to the next race…
