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Rossi, the robot and the Zombie
MotoGP race report: Mugello
(04/06/2007)
MotoGP is the two-wheeled version of Formula One. Last week some folk watched the Monaco GP - the standout race of the F1 year. This week MotoGP travelled to Mugello - arguably the standout race of its season. Can somebody then please explain to me why F1 gets the sponsorship money?
The race Mugello would be won by Casey Stoner. We all knew that before the event started. The last race in France was on a track that was slippery and twisty - not what you need when your bike likes longs straights and you're known to crash a lot. Surely Stoner was set for an education in MotoGP mediocrity? But, like all good Aussies, Casey refused any education and instead scored a superb podium finish.
With that in mind, and given we were at a power track, we all knew Casey would win to bring home the pasta and Fosters for team Ducati.
With qualifying was wetter than an incontinent haddock and with the oil seepage from the locals meant track friction was at a bare minimum. (On the upside the oil patches made great patterns in rain). This didn't bother Stoner - he qualified fastest.
Yup he was set for a win alright.
Second, and making the land down under more excited than free beer at a 'Crowded House' comeback gig, was billabong splashing expert Chris Vermeulen. Now much has been said about Vermin's wet weather skills - rumour has it that Vermin Senior chucked young Chris in a vat of cold water the moment he was born to 'keep him out of mischief' whilst he headed down the pub for a swift celebratory crate.
Third on the grid was Rossi. Questions were being mumbled of the Italian within the Yamaha camp, mainly "why is that fat kid still here?" Another mistake in qualifying whilst pushing his semi-nail Yam to the limit saw the smelling Italian fall. The crowd asked "Maybe Rossi should take a more conservatory approach"…then they remembered Colin Edwards and realised Rossi was doing the right thing.
Fourth on the grid and donning his frog suit was another wet weather expert - Olivier 'remember that race in China' Jacque. Now Jacque missed his home GP last time out through injury. However reports suggest that Olivier was actually given the all-clear to ride by Butcher Costa but chose not to. The Prost mafia were blamed.
Meanwhile, over at Monaco qualifying was complicated. New rules have ensured that no one really knows what's going on and that by qualifying poorly you can have more fuel in your car as an advantage. It's called 'forced excitement' and it doesn't work.
Race day was dry meaning Vermuelen and Jacque could pack their stuff for home.
The race started superbly. Race winner Stoner took the lead from Vermin who had ordered his mechanics to spit continuously on the circuit. Elsewhere all hell was breaking loose as word filtered through to the fans that the green pesto ice lollies had run out. On track too there was excitement as Pedrosa, Capirossi, Hopkins, Melandri and Rossi battled fiercer than three women left in the same room for an hour.
Then Capirossi burst through into the lead brushing aside his team-mate and sending the greasy crowd wild. Horrah! Leaky Loris Lionheart was back! Deep down everyone knew that Loris was a fighter and that the spirit and passion of the Italian crowd would carry him onwards and upwards for the victory.
Then he faded and was rubbish. Blimey, so much for passion eh?
Meanwhile, over at Monaco the race was over into the first corner. The cars went round and round and made a lot noise but didn't dare race. F1's most boring protégée Kimi Raikkonen got stuck midfield after failing to understand the qualifying rules. Despite being four seconds a lap faster than the car in front he wasn't able to make a pass.
Rossi, after a bad start, was still playing 'Ram-man' with Hopkins but the crowd always had Melandri…right? Surely the passion and all that crap would inspire Melandri to taste the olives of success? Yes…at first. The ever-random horse-faced Biaggi clone looked great in the opening laps but again faded and would finish behind his barking-mad team-meat Elias.
More worryingly when Melandri removed his helmet a big clump of hair fell out…
So with the 'vine tomato red' Capirossi gone, and the 'mozzarella white' Melandri also gone the crowd only had the 'Italian army yellow' Rossi left to cheer…and he'd fall off or make a stupid mistake…right? Wrong!
After his bad start Rossi methodically worked his way through the field and before you could say "God I hate that fat smug pillock in the Yamaha garage" Rossi had caught the leader Stoner.
Hang on! It wasn't the Stoner but instead the stone-faced miniature moody-spleen of Pedrosa. Somewhere and somehow the cast-in-Stoner script had gone wrong leaving the Konvict Kid as out of his depth with the leaders as an Aussie at book reading club.
So it was a straight battle between Pedrosa and Rossi. Rossi won. Pedrosa came second and proved that no matter how clever that little robot thing is Honda just can't program emotion.
Meanwhile, over at Monaco the race was still going. Kimi still wasn't gonna risk a pass.
The second half of the race was a tad dull. It would have looked awful if not for the awful looks of a certain Alex Barros. You can't keep a good zombie down - especially when he keeps unearthing himself.
The horrific sight of Barros lurking around began mid-race when his putrid odour started to haunt down a podium slot. At the time Hooligan Hopkins was pressuring race-not-winner Stoner for third but Hoppers, as hard as he is, didn't listen to the South-American folklore and stared directly into the Brazilian's visor. The Rizla Suzuki star's charge was over as he limped around mesmerised for fifth with a face as white as his teeth.
Surely the Zombie, riding the satellite d'Antin Primark Ducati, wouldn't pass the factory Ducati rider who's leading the championship? Wrong again. With his powerful Duke missile and eyes set so far back you could park a canoe in them Zombie Barros duffed up young Stoner and claimed his first silverware of the season.
Meanwhile, over at Monaco Lewis Hamilton in second was radioed the team orders that under no circumstances should he try to pass his team-mate Alonso who was leading the 'race'. He sat and drove around in second.
Elsewhere the usual suspects were as rubbish as ever with Team America taking top honours.
Hayden was lost midfield somewhere like a needle in a haystack. Edwards was even worse than that whilst Kenny Roberts Junior propped up the field like a concrete foundation.
But the standout ride of the day came from KR's new part-time helper monkey Kurtis Robert who proved he'd lost none of his old skills by retiring from the race for some reason.
So it all ended good for the Italians. They invaded the track and celebrated their winner as normal. They may have doubts about how long an Italian can keep winning and why they prefer to be with their mothers instead of alone with their wives…but those worries are all for another day. For the moment they just enjoyed the moment.
Meanwhile over at Monaco everyone went to the shop to buy some pro-plus and cigarettes and talk about the 'race' that didn't have one single overtaking manoeuvre.
The Brazilian started his motorcycle career late having to painstakingly wait for several years for the invention of the internal combustion engine. Last season, for the first time since records begun, Zombie Barros was given another cold shoulder from GP and told to haunt elsewhere…he chose the WSBK retirement home. At this point Zombie's career looked dead and buried - but that's exactly how he liked and amazingly landed a d'Antin GP ride for 2007 after swindling James 'the mug' Toseland out of the ride.
Everyone's young to Alex. A great redwood is a 'young redwood' to the zombie.
Results
1. Valentino Rossi ITA Fiat Yamaha Team (M) 42min 42.385 secs
2. Dani Pedrosa SPA Repsol Honda Team (M) 42min 45.459 secs
3. Alex Barros BRA Pramac d'Antin MotoGP (
42min 48.341 secs
4. Casey Stoner AUS Ducati Marlboro Team (
42min 48.397 secs
5. John Hopkins USA Rizla Suzuki MotoGP (
42min 55.629 secs
6. Toni Elias SPA Gresini Honda (
43min 1.640 secs
7. Loris Capirossi ITA Ducati Marlboro Team (
43min 2.031 secs
8. Chris Vermeulen AUS Rizla Suzuki MotoGP (
43min 5.195 secs
9. Marco Melandri ITA Gresini Honda (
43min 5.222 secs
10. Nicky Hayden USA Repsol Honda Team (M) 43min 6.798 secs
11. Alex Hofmann GER Pramac d'Antin MotoGP (
43min 7.166 secs
12. Colin Edwards USA Fiat Yamaha Team (M) 43min 10.386 secs
13. Shinya Nakano JPN Konica Minolta Honda (M) 43min 19.118 secs
14. Sylvain Guintoli FRA Dunlop Tech 3 Yamaha (D) 43min 27.483 secs
15. Makoto Tamada JPN Dunlop Tech 3 Yamaha (D) 43min 27.530 secs
16. Olivier Jacque FRA Kawasaki Racing Team (
43min 27.602 secs
17. Kenny Roberts USA Team Roberts (M) 44min 9.607 secs
DNF:
Carlos Checa SPA Honda LCR (M) 16min 59.065 secs (Crashed. It's good to have you back Carlos)
Kurtis Roberts USA Team Roberts (M) 6min 0.621 secs (Retired after six gruelling minutes)
Randy de Puniet FRA Kawasaki Racing Team (
2min 0.523 secs (For the Kwack mechanics this Crazy Frog is more annoying than the original)
Rossi, the robot and the Zombie
MotoGP race report: Mugello
(04/06/2007)
MotoGP is the two-wheeled version of Formula One. Last week some folk watched the Monaco GP - the standout race of the F1 year. This week MotoGP travelled to Mugello - arguably the standout race of its season. Can somebody then please explain to me why F1 gets the sponsorship money?
The race Mugello would be won by Casey Stoner. We all knew that before the event started. The last race in France was on a track that was slippery and twisty - not what you need when your bike likes longs straights and you're known to crash a lot. Surely Stoner was set for an education in MotoGP mediocrity? But, like all good Aussies, Casey refused any education and instead scored a superb podium finish.
With that in mind, and given we were at a power track, we all knew Casey would win to bring home the pasta and Fosters for team Ducati.
With qualifying was wetter than an incontinent haddock and with the oil seepage from the locals meant track friction was at a bare minimum. (On the upside the oil patches made great patterns in rain). This didn't bother Stoner - he qualified fastest.
Yup he was set for a win alright.
Second, and making the land down under more excited than free beer at a 'Crowded House' comeback gig, was billabong splashing expert Chris Vermeulen. Now much has been said about Vermin's wet weather skills - rumour has it that Vermin Senior chucked young Chris in a vat of cold water the moment he was born to 'keep him out of mischief' whilst he headed down the pub for a swift celebratory crate.
Third on the grid was Rossi. Questions were being mumbled of the Italian within the Yamaha camp, mainly "why is that fat kid still here?" Another mistake in qualifying whilst pushing his semi-nail Yam to the limit saw the smelling Italian fall. The crowd asked "Maybe Rossi should take a more conservatory approach"…then they remembered Colin Edwards and realised Rossi was doing the right thing.
Fourth on the grid and donning his frog suit was another wet weather expert - Olivier 'remember that race in China' Jacque. Now Jacque missed his home GP last time out through injury. However reports suggest that Olivier was actually given the all-clear to ride by Butcher Costa but chose not to. The Prost mafia were blamed.
Meanwhile, over at Monaco qualifying was complicated. New rules have ensured that no one really knows what's going on and that by qualifying poorly you can have more fuel in your car as an advantage. It's called 'forced excitement' and it doesn't work.
Race day was dry meaning Vermuelen and Jacque could pack their stuff for home.
The race started superbly. Race winner Stoner took the lead from Vermin who had ordered his mechanics to spit continuously on the circuit. Elsewhere all hell was breaking loose as word filtered through to the fans that the green pesto ice lollies had run out. On track too there was excitement as Pedrosa, Capirossi, Hopkins, Melandri and Rossi battled fiercer than three women left in the same room for an hour.
Then Capirossi burst through into the lead brushing aside his team-mate and sending the greasy crowd wild. Horrah! Leaky Loris Lionheart was back! Deep down everyone knew that Loris was a fighter and that the spirit and passion of the Italian crowd would carry him onwards and upwards for the victory.
Then he faded and was rubbish. Blimey, so much for passion eh?
Meanwhile, over at Monaco the race was over into the first corner. The cars went round and round and made a lot noise but didn't dare race. F1's most boring protégée Kimi Raikkonen got stuck midfield after failing to understand the qualifying rules. Despite being four seconds a lap faster than the car in front he wasn't able to make a pass.
Rossi, after a bad start, was still playing 'Ram-man' with Hopkins but the crowd always had Melandri…right? Surely the passion and all that crap would inspire Melandri to taste the olives of success? Yes…at first. The ever-random horse-faced Biaggi clone looked great in the opening laps but again faded and would finish behind his barking-mad team-meat Elias.
More worryingly when Melandri removed his helmet a big clump of hair fell out…
So with the 'vine tomato red' Capirossi gone, and the 'mozzarella white' Melandri also gone the crowd only had the 'Italian army yellow' Rossi left to cheer…and he'd fall off or make a stupid mistake…right? Wrong!
After his bad start Rossi methodically worked his way through the field and before you could say "God I hate that fat smug pillock in the Yamaha garage" Rossi had caught the leader Stoner.
Hang on! It wasn't the Stoner but instead the stone-faced miniature moody-spleen of Pedrosa. Somewhere and somehow the cast-in-Stoner script had gone wrong leaving the Konvict Kid as out of his depth with the leaders as an Aussie at book reading club.
So it was a straight battle between Pedrosa and Rossi. Rossi won. Pedrosa came second and proved that no matter how clever that little robot thing is Honda just can't program emotion.
Meanwhile, over at Monaco the race was still going. Kimi still wasn't gonna risk a pass.
The second half of the race was a tad dull. It would have looked awful if not for the awful looks of a certain Alex Barros. You can't keep a good zombie down - especially when he keeps unearthing himself.
The horrific sight of Barros lurking around began mid-race when his putrid odour started to haunt down a podium slot. At the time Hooligan Hopkins was pressuring race-not-winner Stoner for third but Hoppers, as hard as he is, didn't listen to the South-American folklore and stared directly into the Brazilian's visor. The Rizla Suzuki star's charge was over as he limped around mesmerised for fifth with a face as white as his teeth.
Surely the Zombie, riding the satellite d'Antin Primark Ducati, wouldn't pass the factory Ducati rider who's leading the championship? Wrong again. With his powerful Duke missile and eyes set so far back you could park a canoe in them Zombie Barros duffed up young Stoner and claimed his first silverware of the season.
Meanwhile, over at Monaco Lewis Hamilton in second was radioed the team orders that under no circumstances should he try to pass his team-mate Alonso who was leading the 'race'. He sat and drove around in second.
Elsewhere the usual suspects were as rubbish as ever with Team America taking top honours.
Hayden was lost midfield somewhere like a needle in a haystack. Edwards was even worse than that whilst Kenny Roberts Junior propped up the field like a concrete foundation.
But the standout ride of the day came from KR's new part-time helper monkey Kurtis Robert who proved he'd lost none of his old skills by retiring from the race for some reason.
So it all ended good for the Italians. They invaded the track and celebrated their winner as normal. They may have doubts about how long an Italian can keep winning and why they prefer to be with their mothers instead of alone with their wives…but those worries are all for another day. For the moment they just enjoyed the moment.
Meanwhile over at Monaco everyone went to the shop to buy some pro-plus and cigarettes and talk about the 'race' that didn't have one single overtaking manoeuvre.
The Brazilian started his motorcycle career late having to painstakingly wait for several years for the invention of the internal combustion engine. Last season, for the first time since records begun, Zombie Barros was given another cold shoulder from GP and told to haunt elsewhere…he chose the WSBK retirement home. At this point Zombie's career looked dead and buried - but that's exactly how he liked and amazingly landed a d'Antin GP ride for 2007 after swindling James 'the mug' Toseland out of the ride.
Everyone's young to Alex. A great redwood is a 'young redwood' to the zombie.
Results
1. Valentino Rossi ITA Fiat Yamaha Team (M) 42min 42.385 secs
2. Dani Pedrosa SPA Repsol Honda Team (M) 42min 45.459 secs
3. Alex Barros BRA Pramac d'Antin MotoGP (
4. Casey Stoner AUS Ducati Marlboro Team (
5. John Hopkins USA Rizla Suzuki MotoGP (
6. Toni Elias SPA Gresini Honda (
7. Loris Capirossi ITA Ducati Marlboro Team (
8. Chris Vermeulen AUS Rizla Suzuki MotoGP (
9. Marco Melandri ITA Gresini Honda (
10. Nicky Hayden USA Repsol Honda Team (M) 43min 6.798 secs
11. Alex Hofmann GER Pramac d'Antin MotoGP (
12. Colin Edwards USA Fiat Yamaha Team (M) 43min 10.386 secs
13. Shinya Nakano JPN Konica Minolta Honda (M) 43min 19.118 secs
14. Sylvain Guintoli FRA Dunlop Tech 3 Yamaha (D) 43min 27.483 secs
15. Makoto Tamada JPN Dunlop Tech 3 Yamaha (D) 43min 27.530 secs
16. Olivier Jacque FRA Kawasaki Racing Team (
17. Kenny Roberts USA Team Roberts (M) 44min 9.607 secs
DNF:
Carlos Checa SPA Honda LCR (M) 16min 59.065 secs (Crashed. It's good to have you back Carlos)
Kurtis Roberts USA Team Roberts (M) 6min 0.621 secs (Retired after six gruelling minutes)
Randy de Puniet FRA Kawasaki Racing Team (
