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Splits. Loads of them everywhere. Take for instance the people who eat grapefruits. They can clearly be split into two types - the first, minority, type who for some reason enjoy the taste of battery acid and can open their eyes within 30 seconds of their first mouthful. Then there's the second group who want to like grapefruit to look good. Truthfully they hate the stuff. To them the fruit tastes like it's from the ExxonMobil spewage pipe and can only be even attempted with a few kilos of caster sugar. Worse still for group two the grapefruit seems to have an inbuilt defence system that squirts a fine stream of overly concentrated acid into their iris the moment the spoon is half-heartedly inserted. But this group of style-conscious halfwits persevere - because they think it makes them look clever.
In Brno we had a split. A double split in fact. Each with a divide so wide you could park Foggy's bloated head in it and still have space to open the door and let KRJR out.
Split 1: Stoner and Rossi
All weekend there were only ever two riders at the top. One was smiley and loved by all whereas the other was whiney and hated. Yes the Rossi/Stoner show was on and no one else was invited.
With the paring being first and second in every practice session and then in qualifying we were all hoping for another Laguna - not necessarily a great race but a chance to see Stoner crying again. But even before de-Puniet could write off another fairing Rossi and Stoner had a very artificial looking United Nations style 'shaking of the hands' media stunt to prove that superficially there were no hard feelings.
Onto the race and into the first corner though the continuity was abruptly halted as a rogue hooligan split the pairing allowing Stoner to make a break. By the time Rossi had set his visor to maximum tint and passed the returning radiant teeth of Hopkins Stoner had forged out a second lead.
Was it all over already? At Laguna Rossi used the cunning tactic of never letting Stoner's sulking expression out of his sights and ramming his didgeridoo into the Nevada desert at the first sign of a Fosters breakaway. But now things were different. Even those watching on the ultra-low-res MotoGP.com live feed could see there was fresh air (or as fresh as the air around Rossi could ever be) between the pairing.
Rossi clung onto Stoner. For the rest it was like trying to cling onto a soap sphere with freshly oiled hands.
By lap three the odd paring were already so far in front that the gap couldn't not be measured in time or in distance by any known terrestrial device. The other riders were mere bridesmaids. Fat, ugly bridesmaids in an awkward shade of maroon dress who couldn't hope to ride a bike.
Lap after lap the pairing raced on and, although Stoner looked comfortable at the front, you could almost sense something 'might' happen. On lap 16 something did happened. This made sure nothing more would happen. It was almost as if the God of Boredom himself (who sent his only son Dani to live on earth) needed to end proceedings to avoid another insult.
Stoner, like in the hazy days of past, lowsided into the gravel losing his championship hopes but finding a piece of his throttle housing from his 250 machine.
And that was it. By now Rossi was so far in front he could have hired James Ellison to win the rest of the race for him.
Spilt 2: Bridgestone and Michelin
No one likes the French. If I were to list the reasons I'd still be writing this drivel by the time Edwards finally retires. But today the Michelin riders had another reason to hate the snooty, garlic infused population.
To say the Michelin's were bad wouldn't even nearly do them the correct injustice. They were the 'Foggy Team Manager' of the tyre world. The impressive statistic that Bridgestone managed to claim the top eight positions becomes insignificant
when you realise that even Melandri beat every single Michelin rider. The very same Marco Melandri who so far this season has been as impressive as a gourmet baked potato.
The biggest sulk came from the least-biggest rider - Thumbelina Pedrosa. Realising that Rossi had landed the Bridgestone gig thanks to Dorna whereas he had been denied really hit home this weekend leaving him sourer in the face than ever. I wonder if he likes grapefruit?
Realising the immanent Michelin disaster Pedrosa and his special sugar daddy Alberto Puig tried to instigate an Alain Prost style pitlane strike before the race for all the Michelin riders on the dubious claims of 'safety'. The tyres weren't unsafe, just crap. Thankfully the other Michelin riders flipped the bird at Alberto and his mechanical droid and the race went ahead.
In the race Thumbelina used the tactic of shaking his head instead of racing. Like Sete who'd pioneered the tactic many years before him Pedrosa was left the laughing stock of the race. It's not often he makes people smile.
The rest of the race.
So odd was this race and the finishing order that I think we should have a quick round-up of the other finishers.
2nd. Elias
We at MGPN simply love simple Toni. However this season his miniature primate style hasn't looked so awesome at the back. But now that the corrupt baldy's gone and Alice Ducati have some new parts Toni's back. And how.
If there's one thing Elias loves it's chorizo. If there's something else then it's having a career saving 'one race wonder' - and this was his. Having qualified lowly he shot to the front like his career depended on it. Not that we, the humble TV viewer, saw anything of it live. Having missed the first Elias pass we were rewarded to a replay…that allowed us to miss the next one. And so on.
3rd. Capirossi
"Old, short, ugly and slow" is how many people thought Leaking Loris was before the season started. This superb podium slot shows he's certainly not that slow.
4th. Nakano
As a final groinal blow to Pedrosa the miniature Spaniard had to witness Honda's most consistently slow rider finish fourth on the same bike as himself - only using Bridgestone boots.
It was a great ride for Nakano who actually passed people this time.
5th. West
Has the freaking world gone mad? The very same Ant West who was beaten by an old geezer who'd won the 'replace Hoppers at Laguna' raffle suddenly produced a ride worth selling a kidney for. He even looked strong for a podium at one time. Can you imagine that? Kawasaki couldn't.
6th. Vermeulen
With his mind on Superbikes the new 'Colin of MotoGP' started well but faded to sixth blaming his tyres.
7th. Melandri
This is just odd.
8th. de Angelis
Should of shone. But sadly didn't.
9th. Dovizioso
Welcome home the very first Michelin runner. No doubt Dozi's checking the small-print of that contract he's signed at this very moment.
10th. Lorenzo
Carrying more injuries than the Xaus family unicycle team everyone's favourite golden loony was understandably subdued all weekend. He also had French rubber meaning there was not a chance to gather up enough speed for another Lorenzo-highside.
11th. Hopkins
Having been out since Assen Hoppers spectacularly qualified on the front row - the best of the rest. Up to second momentarily the Stateside hooligan was looking strong for a podium….but his tyre gamble, unlike his usual casino activities, didn't pay off.
12th. Guintoli
Blamed his tyres. Shame they were Bridgestone's or someone might have listened.
13th. Toseland
The front row starts and podium style races of Qatar seem a very long time ago for the Brit.
14th. Edwards
Ride around the problem? Not our Colin.
15th. Pedrosa
We laughed at him earlier - but take some time to laugh again.
16th. de Puniet
A gripless front tyre and a Randy de Puniet means only one thing. Carbon fragments. The smashing frog was at it again all weekend - and in the race too.
Splits. Loads of them everywhere. Take for instance the people who eat grapefruits. They can clearly be split into two types - the first, minority, type who for some reason enjoy the taste of battery acid and can open their eyes within 30 seconds of their first mouthful. Then there's the second group who want to like grapefruit to look good. Truthfully they hate the stuff. To them the fruit tastes like it's from the ExxonMobil spewage pipe and can only be even attempted with a few kilos of caster sugar. Worse still for group two the grapefruit seems to have an inbuilt defence system that squirts a fine stream of overly concentrated acid into their iris the moment the spoon is half-heartedly inserted. But this group of style-conscious halfwits persevere - because they think it makes them look clever.
In Brno we had a split. A double split in fact. Each with a divide so wide you could park Foggy's bloated head in it and still have space to open the door and let KRJR out.
Split 1: Stoner and Rossi
All weekend there were only ever two riders at the top. One was smiley and loved by all whereas the other was whiney and hated. Yes the Rossi/Stoner show was on and no one else was invited.
With the paring being first and second in every practice session and then in qualifying we were all hoping for another Laguna - not necessarily a great race but a chance to see Stoner crying again. But even before de-Puniet could write off another fairing Rossi and Stoner had a very artificial looking United Nations style 'shaking of the hands' media stunt to prove that superficially there were no hard feelings.
Onto the race and into the first corner though the continuity was abruptly halted as a rogue hooligan split the pairing allowing Stoner to make a break. By the time Rossi had set his visor to maximum tint and passed the returning radiant teeth of Hopkins Stoner had forged out a second lead.
Was it all over already? At Laguna Rossi used the cunning tactic of never letting Stoner's sulking expression out of his sights and ramming his didgeridoo into the Nevada desert at the first sign of a Fosters breakaway. But now things were different. Even those watching on the ultra-low-res MotoGP.com live feed could see there was fresh air (or as fresh as the air around Rossi could ever be) between the pairing.
Rossi clung onto Stoner. For the rest it was like trying to cling onto a soap sphere with freshly oiled hands.
By lap three the odd paring were already so far in front that the gap couldn't not be measured in time or in distance by any known terrestrial device. The other riders were mere bridesmaids. Fat, ugly bridesmaids in an awkward shade of maroon dress who couldn't hope to ride a bike.
Lap after lap the pairing raced on and, although Stoner looked comfortable at the front, you could almost sense something 'might' happen. On lap 16 something did happened. This made sure nothing more would happen. It was almost as if the God of Boredom himself (who sent his only son Dani to live on earth) needed to end proceedings to avoid another insult.
Stoner, like in the hazy days of past, lowsided into the gravel losing his championship hopes but finding a piece of his throttle housing from his 250 machine.
And that was it. By now Rossi was so far in front he could have hired James Ellison to win the rest of the race for him.
Spilt 2: Bridgestone and Michelin
No one likes the French. If I were to list the reasons I'd still be writing this drivel by the time Edwards finally retires. But today the Michelin riders had another reason to hate the snooty, garlic infused population.
To say the Michelin's were bad wouldn't even nearly do them the correct injustice. They were the 'Foggy Team Manager' of the tyre world. The impressive statistic that Bridgestone managed to claim the top eight positions becomes insignificant
when you realise that even Melandri beat every single Michelin rider. The very same Marco Melandri who so far this season has been as impressive as a gourmet baked potato.
The biggest sulk came from the least-biggest rider - Thumbelina Pedrosa. Realising that Rossi had landed the Bridgestone gig thanks to Dorna whereas he had been denied really hit home this weekend leaving him sourer in the face than ever. I wonder if he likes grapefruit?
Realising the immanent Michelin disaster Pedrosa and his special sugar daddy Alberto Puig tried to instigate an Alain Prost style pitlane strike before the race for all the Michelin riders on the dubious claims of 'safety'. The tyres weren't unsafe, just crap. Thankfully the other Michelin riders flipped the bird at Alberto and his mechanical droid and the race went ahead.
In the race Thumbelina used the tactic of shaking his head instead of racing. Like Sete who'd pioneered the tactic many years before him Pedrosa was left the laughing stock of the race. It's not often he makes people smile.
The rest of the race.
So odd was this race and the finishing order that I think we should have a quick round-up of the other finishers.
2nd. Elias
We at MGPN simply love simple Toni. However this season his miniature primate style hasn't looked so awesome at the back. But now that the corrupt baldy's gone and Alice Ducati have some new parts Toni's back. And how.
If there's one thing Elias loves it's chorizo. If there's something else then it's having a career saving 'one race wonder' - and this was his. Having qualified lowly he shot to the front like his career depended on it. Not that we, the humble TV viewer, saw anything of it live. Having missed the first Elias pass we were rewarded to a replay…that allowed us to miss the next one. And so on.
3rd. Capirossi
"Old, short, ugly and slow" is how many people thought Leaking Loris was before the season started. This superb podium slot shows he's certainly not that slow.
4th. Nakano
As a final groinal blow to Pedrosa the miniature Spaniard had to witness Honda's most consistently slow rider finish fourth on the same bike as himself - only using Bridgestone boots.
It was a great ride for Nakano who actually passed people this time.
5th. West
Has the freaking world gone mad? The very same Ant West who was beaten by an old geezer who'd won the 'replace Hoppers at Laguna' raffle suddenly produced a ride worth selling a kidney for. He even looked strong for a podium at one time. Can you imagine that? Kawasaki couldn't.
6th. Vermeulen
With his mind on Superbikes the new 'Colin of MotoGP' started well but faded to sixth blaming his tyres.
7th. Melandri
This is just odd.
8th. de Angelis
Should of shone. But sadly didn't.
9th. Dovizioso
Welcome home the very first Michelin runner. No doubt Dozi's checking the small-print of that contract he's signed at this very moment.
10th. Lorenzo
Carrying more injuries than the Xaus family unicycle team everyone's favourite golden loony was understandably subdued all weekend. He also had French rubber meaning there was not a chance to gather up enough speed for another Lorenzo-highside.
11th. Hopkins
Having been out since Assen Hoppers spectacularly qualified on the front row - the best of the rest. Up to second momentarily the Stateside hooligan was looking strong for a podium….but his tyre gamble, unlike his usual casino activities, didn't pay off.
12th. Guintoli
Blamed his tyres. Shame they were Bridgestone's or someone might have listened.
13th. Toseland
The front row starts and podium style races of Qatar seem a very long time ago for the Brit.
14th. Edwards
Ride around the problem? Not our Colin.
15th. Pedrosa
We laughed at him earlier - but take some time to laugh again.
16th. de Puniet
A gripless front tyre and a Randy de Puniet means only one thing. Carbon fragments. The smashing frog was at it again all weekend - and in the race too.
