JPSLotus

I happen to have a bit of experience in this area of inquiry, because the last time I was on the turnpike I had an unexpected BM. That is, bowel movement. I had to stop unsafely on the side of the road and take a giant ..... But that's not the half of it. It looks like others had the same experience because I had to be careful not to step on turds as I looked for my space to take an ungodly dump. Oddly enough I saw a Hasidic Jew walking away pulling up his pants. Nobody likes to step on turds, I'm told. Well, it turns out, all those turds were there because nobody wanted to take a .... here:


Jersey Turnpike northbound. (NJDOT)
Many drivers stopping at the rest area expressed anger and dismay.

“I think that’s horrible, to know there’s no food or no bathroom is disgusting,” said Abby from South Jersey. “You don’t want to pull over in an unsafe place or on the highway if you have to go to the bathroom, it makes no sense.”

Another traveler frowned when told of the situation.

“It strikes me as, if it takes two years to like re-do a spot, that’s kind of ridiculous, especially along a major thoroughfare at an exit that’s close to where you’re going to be going into the city, it’s kind of like a last ditch effort if you have to go to the bathroom,” he said.

George, a Margate resident who visited the travel plaza, was also upset.

“I think it’s deplorable,” he said. “I mean Sandy was two-and-a-half years ago. I don’t know why they haven’t fixed it, I guess maybe there’s not enough money serving food. People get tired, they need a cup of coffee often while they’re driving, and it’s a shame it’s not available.”

Sylvia from Hackensack said, “I think it’s a commentary about the slow recovery from Sandy. It does stink.”

One driver looked visibly upset when told everything was closed.

“I actually would like to use the restroom right now, and the next place is 26 miles, I think it said. It’s not cool,” the driver said.

Harry from Bayonne said the situation will be especially difficult for truck drivers who visit the rest stop.

“It’s insane. What are these guys supposed to do when they pull in here, these truckers? I mean people, need a break,” he said.

Tom Feeney, a spokesman for the NJ Turnpike Authority, said in an email that the rebuilding of the food court has been delayed by insurance company and permitting issues, but the work should begin shortly.

“The temporary bathroom trailer was removed in preparation for construction. There is not enough room on the site to safely accommodate the bathrooms, parking and the construction site,” Feeney said. “We’ve had a sign lit up since last month telling people that there are no restrooms in the service area.”

The small electronic message sign was visible as drivers pulled off the highway into the rest area and Feeney also indicated on the Turnpike website “just to avoid any confusion, I’m going to have them add the words, ‘No restrooms available.'”



Read More: Worst rest stop on the New Jersey Turnpike - No food, no restrooms | http://nj1015.com/no-food-restrooms-at-one-nj-turnpike-rest-area/?trackback=tsmclip

I'd recommend pulling over on the side of the road and taking a .... in the woods rather than stop at any NJ Turnpike rest area. I'd also recommend planning a multiple .... stop if you happen to feel daring enough, and you decide to try some Roy Rogers at any of the rest stops.

But if you are inclined to stop at a rest area, I recommend the Thomas Edison. Make sure you bring gasoline to douse yourself in to remove all trace bacteria and the possible ebola that likes to live on the toilet seats.

JohnnyKnockdown said:

Sorry to completely ignore the private message system that is set up for personal exchange of information and the numerous other boards better designated for travel chat, but I happen to be planning a trip through the jersey turnpike. Can you give me some advice on which rest stop I should stop at to take a dump. Do you recommend the Thomas Edison Service area or do you think the Joyce Kilmer is better. I prefer toilets where my balls arent skimming the surface of the water

Thanks In Advance

Johnnyknockdown 4 star TriPS Advisor reviewer

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Why not avoid all that inconvenience?

http://www.incontinenceproducts.com.au/products/disposable-incontinence-products

Man diaper, your business is our business.

By the way jumque the correct acronym is IBM: involuntary bowel movement

Cool Blue said:

Why not avoid all that inconvenience?

http://www.incontinenceproducts.com.au/products/disposable-incontinence-products

Man diaper, your business is our business.

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I've been meaning to try those on my long rides. I figure it won't interrupt my ride plus the added benefit of extra comfort. Thanks for the recommendation.

Jumkie said:

I've been meaning to try those on my long rides. I figure it won't interrupt my ride plus the added benefit of extra comfort. Thanks for the recommendation.

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Just don't be tempted to piss in a coke bottle. It's amazing how many truck drivers end up in emergency rooms with their nobs sucked into one after the heat from the urine causes the glass to expand.

Oh, JKD, full disclosure: the only problem with my solution is you loose the opportunity to purchase a five dollar reach-around from a fellow traveler. Sorreeee.

Cool Blue said:

Oh, JKD, full disclosure: the only problem with my solution is you loose the opportunity to purchase a five dollar reach-around from a fellow traveler. Sorreeee.

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It is certainly a drawback. Sometimes we got to make some sacrifices I'm afraid.

JohnnyKnockdown said:

Cool Blue, Please stay on topic. We have a seperate gay thread to discuss reach arounds

Mods, please move Cool Blues post to the proper thread

http://motogpforum.com/motogp/17909-ultraiamman.html

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Fair play.
This has no place in a thread (of immaculate on-topic-ness ) about where to take a crap in the Jersey TP, posted in a motogp forum.

So, ok, I'll pick up on your scatological theme...

A bear and a rabbit happen to be taking a .... together. The bear looks at the rabbit and says: don't you hate how the .... sticks to your fur? To which the rabbit replies: "I don't have that problem".
So the bear wipes his arse with the rabbit.

Jumkie said:

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Well, on the basis of that reference I think it's well established that you will be joining me on the gay chaps thread.

Full Metal Jacket right? ....... brilliant.

At least that guy graduated? Unlike poor old Vincent d'Onofrio's character...

Went on to achieve a measure of greatness did Vincent. Bobby Goren in Law and Order (criminal intent) is one of my favourite prime time characters.

Actually, they could extend the franchise to L&O Rossi is a .....

See what I did there? Back on topic!

True story.

I went to a Rangers/Penguins playoff game at the Garden some years back. I'm a huge Penguins fan. It was a last minute plan where a buddy had good tickets, and we had an hour to get the next train that would get us there before the game started. Prior to leaving I had been eating BK Double Stackers........ was dyn-o-mite!

Anyway, we get to the Garden and grab food before heading in, and it happens to be another burger, only this one is pretty damn big. I scarf that down and we then go over to the Garden, get our Rangers towels to wave, and then get our seats. Next 3 hours is great hockey with a Pens victory which left me ecstatic.

We leave, and we're waiting in Penn Station.

I get that telltale gurgle in my stomach right when they announce the train is ready for boarding so I'm like damn.

We get on the train, and my stomach proceeds to start churning like a motherfuck. Now at the time, I had no idea there was even a bathroom on the train. So for the next 45 minutes to an hour, I proceed to engage in ...-clenching exercises to hold back the Tsunami of .... waiting to explode out of the dam that is my .... My friend asks if I am okay, to which I just don't even answer. The very act of answering felt like it might result in a catastrophic breach in the damn. Every jolt on the train car is enough for me to think I just got gut punched by Iron Mike Tyson. I was praying to God, Allah, Yahweh, Krishna, Buddha, Ahura Mazda, Zeus, and many more, to give me the strength to hold it all back.

Finally, we pull into the train station. I beeline for the exit to hit the bathroom, only to find the ....... bathroom is CLOSED. My reaction was nearly this....



So I start thinking about if anything is open with restrooms, but the only hope was Starbucks, and I looked at the time on my phone to realize they had closed 10 minutes earlier.

At this point my intestines are about to rupture and leak all the .... back into the bloodstream. I look down and see a white towel sticking out of my pocket. And an idea instantly comes to me.

I look at my friend and I go, "Give me your towel."

He hands it over with a knowing look in his eyes.

I look over to the darkened park across the street from the train station and tell him...



I flee across the street, and find some privacy out of the line of sight of any enterprising police officers looking for an easy arrest. I drop my pants and squat, and then proceed to unleash a Mount Vesuvius size pile of .... on the ground. It was as if the heavens opened, and accepted me. In that moment, I had attained Nirvana. The Ranger towels came in handy, and I wiped my ... with him, covering the Rangers logo in complete ...., which is exactly what I think of the team.

I pulled my pants back up, shook out a Marlboro and lit it up.

Then I went back to my friend, and he was like you good? I said "Yup, let's roll."

He just stares at me and goes, "I can't believe you did that, I am in awe."

I said, "When you gotta go, you gotta go."

To this day we still tell this story and say....

Ok, JSPL, your the king of .... man.
Seriously, that's a good story and brilliantly told.

Just to share, we have this expat thing in China called NFWC: Not Farting With Confidence. You get the odd occasion when a bit of the old e-coli inevitably gets mixed in with the "food". Used to be a couple of times a year but, seems to be less frequent these days...

Have had a few delightful experiences with the double tsunami: alternating and occasionally simultaneously vomiting and diarrhea. Oh yeh... Choice. If you don't get your rhythm right... yeh, 'nuff said.

You can kind of ride that out, but then you get 3 or 4 days when your digestive track is essentially a column of liquid ..... And that's the NFWC phase. You get the feeling like you want to fart but, no, very bad idea. If you can swing it, best idea is to stay in the hotel during that time, but if you fall asleep, well, things get dodgy. I actually had the pleasure of waking up in a pool of my own .... in a hotel bed one time.

They have a little card, in most hotels around the world these days, with a picture of a tree and a note encouraging you to use the towels and bedding for as long as possible to protect the environment, but if you want things refreshed, you just leave the card on a pile of whatever you want changed.

Still crippled with biliousness and stomach cramps and dehydrated to within an inch of my miserable life, I just pulled up the sheets, put the card on the pillow and staggered out into the street.

Sure enough, when I finally returned, it was all sorted. God bless em.

But anyway, that's when I invented the man diaper: you can feed one of the hotel hand towels down the front and out the back of your underpants and hey presto: Farting With Confidence; even if you nod off! I even had the idea that you could extend this idea into the public arena. In an aircraft for example. Although, I never actually tested that one. Maybe some day...

Oh damn that's ...... up but good Cool. Lol

JPSLotus said:

Oh damn that's ...... up but good Cool. Lol

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And all verifiably true... I'm pretty sure they have a row of plaques in the basement of the Central Hotel in Shanghai and I'm featured on one of 'em. Go and check, it's just off a Nanjing Lu, you can't miss it.

Hilarious stuff gentz.

I also have a ...... story. All I'll say is Devine Burger. Holy ....!

Jumkie said:

Hilarious stuff gentz.

I also have a ...... story. All I'll say is Devine Burger. Holy ....!

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Immaculate indigestion?

You crackers are too sensitive.
Eat more all you can eat chinese and develop some tolerance.

Motokitty said:

You crackers are too sensitive.
Eat more all you can eat chinese and develop some tolerance.

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Not true.

A Chinese food place gave me food poisoning that put me in the hospital for nearly a week, 10 years ago.